still, none the wiser (poetry)

friend

(TW suicide + self harm mentions)

it didn't hurt me as much as it should've.

it didn't hurt me as much as you hurt

yourself.

but i cried for you, you know.

there are people who cried for you.

¤¤¤¤

i knew you were in pain.

you wore those bracelets everywhere.

do you still remember that day when we

were skating together at the park

2 summers ago, 2 lifetimes ago?

you asked me if i was wearing a long sleeve

shirt

"for no reason"

or if i didn't have enough bracelets to cover

them up.

them being the hate, the hurt, the cuts.

i told you no reason because i had no

reason.

i didn't even glance in my closet that

morning as i grabbed the black turtle neck.

you shrugged and then said

"we will get better."

you said we.

as if you couldn't stand the thought of

having to do it alone.

¤¤¤¤

we hung out the week before you couldn't

take it anymore.

i still remember dropping you off at your

house that day and waiting to drive away

until we saw you get inside.

there are people who would wait for you

much, much longer.

i don't know what made you so desperately

sad or fearful or angry that night.

it scares me that people can ever have that

much hurt.

it kills me that you had that much hurt.

there are no words to simply say

any of this.

there were no words that could

simply help you, and i

have to keep reminding myself of that

or else i can't breathe.

you should've just screamed at me

that you couldn't breathe.

i could give you air.

i could give you it all, friend, trust me.

just live.

live and be scarred and live and

be afraid and live and be in the dark.

just.

live.

we will get better.

-V