The Choreographer

Chapter 3

TRIGGERWARNING: Mention of panic attack and self harm
Y/n POV

My heart was beating out of my chest after I closed the heavy door of the office. My knees were shaking and I felt like throwing up. I left the building and it was raining slightly but I didn't mind. The rain felt nice on my skin, clear my mind and smelled fresh. In this moment the realization hit me. I had a mental breakdown in Chan's arms and my face was in his fucking chest. And I acted like it was completely normal to cry in a strangers arms or like it didn't happen at all. My mind couldn't take this and I started freaking out. I felt a panic attack building up and walked faster to reach my condo.

Just as I closed my door, the tears spilled out of my eyes and my breath fastened. The voices of my parents took over my mind and all I could hear was them telling me what a failure I was and that I was useless and no one cared if I cried. It took a while until I could calm down again. My clouded mind cleared and I started to think again. Every time this happened was a torture, it brought back memories that I wanted to forget forever but I just accepted my fate and decided to go to sleep. I didn't think about the interview and I didn't want to.

Brushing my teeth, I looked in the mirror and saw a monster. The monster my parents saw and the monster I believed to be. An ugly, worthless monster. The dark thoughts from earlier came back again and this time I wasn't able to suppress them. With shaky hands I took the razor blade from the counter and grazed it slowly over my wrist. A little blood started oozing out of the cuts but the pain felt good. Because I deserved to feel pain. I only cut myself again for three times and I set the blade aside again. Under the tap, I let water run over my forearm to wash the blood away and with a few pieces of toilet paper, I pressed on the cuts to stop the bleeding. After that I went to bed and shortly after I fell asleep.

With a scream, I woke up in the middle of the night. The nightmares have gotten worse over the past few days. I could still remember the distorted faces of my parents, hitting me and spitting in my face while telling me over and over again to just go and die. I hastily grab my phone and plug my headphones in. Only after a bit of searching through my favorite playlist,I found my comfort song. Levanter. The song is so fitting for my situation because my parents hate me just because I want to be myself. But I don't care what they think, at least that's what I try to convince myself of. I just need to let go and then I can be free and fly. What I need to do is moving on. As much as I listened to the song and understood it's message, I couldn't move on until this day and I don't know when the day comes and my suffering in the past is over.

While listening to the song my mind couldn't help but wander to Bang Chan. I was wondering what he was doing and what he thought of me. I mean, who wouldn't want his idol to think good about themself ? The only thing I could do, was waiting for a response from the company. This moment may be tomorrow or may be in one week. One of my biggest weaknesses was patience. While I had so much of it when it comes to learning and teaching a choreography, I didn't have it when I needed to wait for responses or a certain day. I glanced at my alarm clock which showed 2 am. Soon after the tiredness and exhaustion took over and I fell into a deep slumber again.

At 8 o'clock in the morning, the alarm clock woke me up. After I fell asleep again, I didn't had a nightmare again but only dreamt of sparkly, brown eyes. Doing my morning routine in the bathroom, I looked in the mirror while brushing my teeth. This time, I felt happier, not like last night. I soon finished my business in the bathroom and went to my walk-in closet to choose an outfit for the day. While going through my clothes, I decided to wear all black today. It was never a bad decision to wear black, you look slimmer and it goes with everything. To add some color, I picked the jacket with a few color elements and white sneakers. When I finished dressing, I looked in my body mirror to check the outfit again. I put my hair in a high ponytail and grabbed a black purse to add the finishing touch. I was satisfied with the result, as I am always conscious about my fashion.

With one last look in the mirror, I grabbed my big training bag and left my condo with a smile on my face.

When I reached my car in the parking lot, I threw my sports bag on the back seat and got in. I started the car to go to my volleyball practice on 9 a.m. But before I reached there, I stopped at my favorite café and got myself an iced americano with vanilla syrup and a croissant and 3 churros. The rest of the ride, I was listening to some K-Pop. While I was jamming to Cheers by Seventeen, I pulled up into the parking space in front of the gym where the practice will be held. I finished my coffee and took one last bite from my croissant and packed the remaining two churros in my bag, so I could eat them immediately after practice.

With a smile, I entered the gym and went into the lockerrooms to get changed into my training clothes.

Author's comment: A longer chapter this time. Let me know your thoughts.