neighborly

twenty five - beer ponging

trigger warning : sexual assault mentions + abuse. again, not graphic nor described but still!

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"You have nineteen freckles on your face." I tell Roman counting them as we laid on the beach.

We had just left the doctors, slightly argued about him paying for my therapy but I ended up accepting because he wasn't budging..

"I didn't know that." Roman said to me, but his mind somewhere else.

"Liliana?"

"Yeah?" I look at him.

"I .. I didn't know it was that bad."

"What?"

"Like I thought you got groped or some shit, I didn't know you got ..."

"Oh." Is all I said, because this wasn't his fault. I downplayed the experience in my head more for myself than anyone else. "Yeah, it was pretty bad."

"Can you, I mean do you want to tell me what happened?" Roman fiddled with my fingers, "So I can help you."

I bit back my tears, " Yeah so .."

This would help me. I had never ever told anyone before, so I guess this is progress?

"I was seventeen, and I didn't exactly hate my life which was surprising for that age. I lived with my mom, she was, I hate to curse the dead but a bitch."

"My dad left when I was younger, and she always was a little selfish about that. I don't know why he left? But I don't think he liked me, well back then."

"My mom was ... mean to me. That's an understatement of a lifetime but I think you got it. I never really came home? Hence, why I can down vodka shots like water. She had a new boyfriend every week, each shitter than the last. "

"The month this all happened, his name was Ben and oh my god I hated him. I remember that morning I woke up and was so excited because that man wouldn't be home whenever he was I had to wear no makeup, long sleeves and sweatpants. I know clothes don't provoke people, but I did it more for myself."

"Wait did he ..." Roman trails off.

"No no he didn't. He just made shitty comments about me, and I learned to appear as unattractive as I could around him."

"Well that day he wasn't there, so godforbid I wore a T-shirt and some leggings. I went downstairs and I was getting myself water, and then my mom came down. She was sober, she always was. How a person can be so bad without being under the influence is crazy, it just meant I got no good parts of her ever."

"She looked at my outfit and was like why are you wearing that. I got confused so I asked her what she meant and then she asked me if I was trying to provoke her boyfriend by dressing like a slut. I didn't want a fight so I told her honestly I was sorry and I didn't know Ben was going to be here today."

"She got pissed still, I tried to walk past her and she pushed me. I fell hard on my hand, but I just got over it and got up but then she started rambling shit about how I was disrespectful to her and then she told me to get out."

"It was kind of random, but oh well. I didn't cry as I packed my stuff, I just did and then left an hour later. I guess that's when it sunk in and I wandered around for a little."

"I texted my boyfriend at the time." I don't mention to Roman that this was Jake, because he would go crazy. "He didn't respond, so I just wandered around."