The French Formula (LSD, #3)

18. I'm The Man

I'm The Man

I have a mission here: my country, Luxembourg, needs to take its place as the number one of the most influential countries of Europe, perhaps even of the world. If I can make it happen, I'll be the best spy ever. I won't get a medal for it, but I do have a plan to win a gold medal. It requires preparation. All the pieces of the puzzle must fall in the right spot at the same time. It won't be easy, but, hey, that's what makes the spy business the most interesting category of sports. That's why I like my job so much. I'm good at this game. No pain, no gain. If the stakes are high, reaching your goal makes the satisfaction even higher. No drug or drunkenness can get you so high.

During my night shift, I have the time and the spiPhone to prepare my mission. I start by sending a message to #1, The Boss: «Sorry I didn't send reports. It's not important what I say. All that matters is what I do. I have all the information and also the key to success, but I have to keep it a secret for one more day. I can do this. Trust me. All I need from you is your permission to run this show. Can I give orders, for tomorrow only, to #3, The Diplomat, and #4, The Agent? Do you trust me?»

It takes a while, but then I get the desired answer: «Permission granted. If you fail, you're fired. #4, The Agent, is still missing in action, by the way.»

That's my second move. I tell my spiPhone: "Lovely Sweet Dear. Record Message. To: Samy Naceri — Daniel Morales. Urgent. Start Message. I need the beautiful lady here for a mission, room 472, Pharmaceutical Wing, Academic Hospital, Brest, today at 12:00. I count on your help. Stop Message. Send Message."

Two seconds later I receive the answer: «Impossible. She's hardly halfway paying my tip.»

«Give her a discount. You owe me a favour.»

«Okay.»

The next step consists of a secret message with instructions for #3, The Diplomat. Half an hour later, I get the reply: «Action taken as instructed. Good luck.»

The rest of the night, I study the rules of today's Bar Sweeping Game again, making sure the referees won't interrupt my plan. When the victims of a car accident come in, I assist the medics. Our quick and efficient action saves the lives of a mother and her six-year-old daughter. It makes me feel great to be part of such a team.

The European Games are coming to an end. We have two more games, which are the Bar Sweeping (perfect for a Saturday night like today) and the Fifty Fiancées Find Fitting First-class Fierce FireFighter Final. The only rule for the FireFighter Final is: the participants may not leave the stage, and all the others may not enter the stage. It's going to be the final, and I expect the organization has prepared a surprise.

Bar Sweeping is another story. The setting is a pub, complete with a pool table, a dartboard, a TV with important football matches, and two teams of four happy loving couples each. The rules are simple: the men try to stay in the bar as long as possible, while the women of the other team convince them to go home. Violence is forbidden. The women should convince the men with words, arguments, while the men can defend their wish to stay a little longer.

The distinguished gentleman who tried to bribe us before the final of the Pillow Fight said something about England winning the Bar Sweeping. I'm not sure if that's 'arranged' or if that's because they are by far the best team. In every country of the world, bars are popular, but in England, the pubs are more a community centre and a meeting place for the neighbourhood than a place for people who want to get drunk because they don't have any social life in other places. That's why English women train daily in dragging their men home from the pub. For every euro you bet on England to win this game, the bookmakers pay you € 0,80 back. Nobody believes another country will win the gold medal in this discipline.