The French Formula (LSD, #3)

Extra: Get Up (I Feel Like Being A) Sex Machine

Extra: Get Up (I Feel Like Being A) Sex Machine

"What's that, Doc?"

"It's my latest invention: Doc's Super Duper Fishing Rod. It detects the biggest fish in miles around, it sends out high-frequency fishy love songs to attract it, then it shoots the fish in a barrel, and finally, it cuts the fish into fish cakes and fish sticks, ready to fry. The only thing I haven't worked out yet is how the rod can prepare the chips and the vinegar that goes with it."

"And all those bells and other gadgets?"

"When I'm fishing, I like to relax, drink a cold beer, daydream about handsome mermaids who step on board to kiss me... so the fishing rod has a system of warning me when I have a really big fish on the hook."

"A really big fish? As big as the fisherman's tale about selling G.O.D. or other dope? Or do you finally accept you're just a big fish in a small pond?"

Doc doesn't answer. He looks around, at the Atlantic Ocean (not really a small pond), at the seagulls on the roof of the bridge of our rented fishing boat, at the horizon, at the bright sun, at his empty bottle...

"Get up, get on up. Get me another beer. This one has mysteriously vaporised. Right on, right on. The way I like this is the way it is: freezing cold. I'm getting a fever and a cold sweat."

"And those empty bottles? Can I take them to the fridge?"

"Yeah! Go ahead!"

I get up and walk to the little fridge next to the bridge: "How will you survive without me, Doc? You'll have to learn to drive your wheelchair by yourself and get your own beers. I can't stay on the scene forever. Today is my last day here in Brest. Tomorrow, I have another mission."

"Don't worry about me. My leg is healing quickly. In a few days, they'll change this plaster for one that allows me to walk. I'm not sure if I can also dance with it, but I'll find out soon enough."

I open the two bottles of beer and give one to my friend: "I like this day. It was a good idea of you to go fishing. The ocean is beautiful, no stress, no competition, no bets, no—"

"No bets? And I wanted to bet with you who will catch the biggest fish today. I have a hunch I will win. Well, I have Doc's Super Duper Fishing Rod, which makes losing impossible... so perhaps you're right; it wouldn't be fair."

I laugh: "If it's so important for you, I don't mind betting on who catches the biggest fish. The loser pays for tonight's dinner. Deal?"

"Deal."

I look at my simple fishing rod. I look at the 30 kilos of barbed wire, condensers and duct tape on the railing in front of Doc. Winning this bet is so easy, I almost feel ashamed about it. But it's just dinner, not his life, that's on the line.

There's something else on the line, on my line. I hardly noticed it, but I've caught a small fish: "Look, Doc. I've caught one."

Doc looks with disdain: "That's a fish? It's a red herring. If it's not bigger than a 5 euro banknote, you should throw it back into the sea."

I take my wallet and compare: "Almost as big as a 5 euro banknote, which is noted. A catch is a catch, a red herring is a fish, and I'm leading the race. As long as you don't catch anything bigger, I win."

"How did the Games end? Which country finished first in the medal race?", Doc wants to know.

"There was one last medal ceremony at the closing ceremony this afternoon: the Hide-and-Seek. Do you remember that all the spectators had to donate, and the highest donation per capita of each country would win? Monaco won the gold medal; the Prince and his wife each donated one million euros, and they threatened to raise the national income taxes to 5% if all the other millionaire inhabitants from their country wouldn't follow their example. Liechtenstein won the silver medal, same tactics: only 38.000 inhabitants and the highest average income per capita in the world. The third place was almost for Germany, but the counting closed at 24:00 on Saturday night and my colleague The Nerd hacked the bank account of the European Games and discovered that one extra donation of 12.345.678,90 euros of Luxembourg tax money at 23:50 was just enough to take over the bronze medal from our neighbours. It might be expensive, but you'll get quality back.