I've been putting a strain on me and Gabriel's relationship. Lately, I've been feeling like the world's crumbling on top of me and I can't do anything about it. I take a look at myself in the mirror, realizing that I'm in reality and not in my imaginary world. I'm in a world where I didn't shower, didn't eat, didn't bother to clean my room, didn't bother to drink water, and haven't left her room in weeks. Gabriel has been visiting but every visit turned our relationship into something worse. I don't understand why I was feeling this heavy weight on my chest. I guess we'll never know why. Dean and Sam have been trying to motivate me by doing the things I loved but, I felt nothing. More and more despair filled my insides and I couldn't take it. I break down crying, not understanding why I felt like this. I have the best family and the best boyfriend ever.
I hear my door open but I don't care to see who it is. The person closes the door, drops whatever they had on my bed, and quickly embraced me. It just caused me to cry even more. I then recognized the smell of candy. It was Gabriel.
"Gabe...," I whimper.
"You don't have to speak. Don't need to talk to me. Baby, I already know," he softly says to me.
He pulls me into his lap and cradles me like a baby. He kisses my forehead as I cry into his chest. He's always so gentle with me even when I'm like this. Thoughts came rushing through and caused more tears. He held me tightly as if I was going to slip away.
"The shadows in your head, They've got you down again. Got you feelin' low," he continues as he kisses my forehead a few times.
He then carefully picked me up and carried me to bed. I was crying like a baby. I felt as if I continued, I'd lose my voice. My throat was hurting but it just kept coming. Gabriel started humming a song, calming me down slightly. He searches for some clean clothes in my closet. He then went to my bathroom and started the bath. He placed the outfit he managed to find on the counter and then approached me. He shows me a sad smile. He sits down next to me.
"But it's time to rest, now. Let it all melt now. Wipe your tears," he tells me as he gently wipes away the continuous streams of tears, "I'm here now."
He kisses my cheeks gently as if he was scared he'd break me. He then helps me to remove my clothing and I became self-conscious about my body. Gabriel reassured me that even with all my flaws, he'd never stop loving me. He takes me into the bridal position and carries me carefully to the bath. I sat in the same clothing for weeks and haven't even touched the shower. Gabriel checks the water before carefully sitting me down. I couldn't help but feel useless. I'm literally like a fucking baby. Gabriel notices my expression and sighs sadly.
"I know you're telling yourself that you're useless. But trust me, Starlight, I don't mind taking care of my lady. You deserve princess treatment, even when you feel icky," he comforts.
He squirts my favorite bubble solution into the water and lets me play around to form them. As I was, he rolled his sleeves up and grabbed my clean towel. I was feeling quite better. And just like a baby, he bathed me. He continued to hum the song which eased me further. It felt nice to be cleaned. The warm water was making me tired and I think Gabriel noticed. He picks me up gently, wrapping the towel around me. Gabriel tells me to stand and dry myself as he drains the bath water. I slowly begin to do as he says and even that simple task felt like a lot of effort. I managed to do it but for me, it took too long. He dresses me and tells me positive things about my body as he does. His voice was like vanilla, sweet and simple. He kisses my nose and I had the littlest of courage to brush my teeth. He smiles at me and after I was done, he tells me he was proud.
He carries me back to my bed. He removed his shirt and pants. He joins me and with his angel powers, turns off the lights. Gabriel loves to play with my hair cause he knows it makes me sleepy. We exchanged no more words at this time. I was tired but couldn't fall asleep.
"The sun's already set, now. Won't you go to sleep, now? I'll see you in your dreams," he whispers to me.
"I'm scared," I whimper.
"Don't be. 'Cause I'm right here. Darlin', I'm right here," he continued.
He pulls me in closer so now that my head was resting on his chest. I listen to his breathing to match it. It was one thing he taught me back when we first started dating. Matching my breathing throw away some of that heavy feeling but still wasn't enough.
"Close your pretty eyes, my butterfly. Baby, have no fear," he whispers to me.
I was worried about what could happen to our relationship if I continued this way. But, my eyes did manage to grow heavy and close. Gabriel returns to the humming that echoed through his chest. He still was playing with my hair, in hopes, I'd fall asleep. I was growing more tired by the second. The bath had done its work and now, Gabriel's humming was affecting me. He brought the covers up to my shoulders as I started to shake due to how cold I was. He places yet another gentle kiss on my forehead. Little by little, I grew the hope that Gabriel wasn't going anywhere even if I am like this. He loves me and would sacrifice a lot if it meant he'd be with me forever. His hand that was playing with my hair moved to my back where he started drawing circles. He knew my weak spots.
His heartbeat and breathing ceased as I entered into a deeper sleep. He was still humming as far as I remember. He kisses my forehead a few times as he still hums. Forehead kisses make me feel so special. He knows that and always gives me as many as he can. I haven't felt this calm and peaceful in weeks. I needed this. My relationship with the love of my life wasn't going to waste and joy sparked in my heart. I know I'll get out of this and I know I have a bright future ahead of me. Before entering REM sleep, I remember Gabriel saying a few last words.
"Remember, my dear. You're strong, You're loved. You're beautiful, so beautiful And you belong here on Earth," he says, "Heaven is not going anywhere. I love you beyond every galaxy and universe Dad has created, Starlight."
Remember, you're not alone. You're not weak. You're just trying your hardest to beat it. Ending your story short isn't the solution. You have a bright future. You'll experience a lot that could hurt you but it will make you appreciate time itself. Call your local hotlines and seek help. Let's be those who make an impact on the world. You are loved deeply by me even if I don't know you. This battle is hard but you will defeat it. ❤️
