Sight Unseen

Chapter 9

As Luna walked, dry leaves and sticks crunched under her feet. Yeonjun followed close behind her. Despite the campus being busy, this small, wooded area right beside the walking path was silent and still. Yeonjun could hear Luna breathing hard as they walked.

Suddenly, Luna stopped. "This is it," she whispered. "This is the tree I saw in the photo of the crime scene," she clarified. She placed her tan hand on the distinctive looking tree with the split trunk. Beneath the tree, someone had placed a small, white plastic cross.

Luna had expected to cry when she reached the spot where her beloved friend had lost her life, but instead of sadness, the overwhelming feeling she had was rage. Ever since Carly's death, Luna had carried the burden of guilt for not having called the authorities sooner. She often wondered if she could have saved Carly's life had she reported her disappearance sooner. But at this moment, all of that negative energy that she felt toward herself came pouring out against the murderer.

Why have I blamed myself and not the person who's really to blame here --- the killer! she thought for the first time since the murder. Had it not been for him, Carly would be there right now. Luna reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out a worn scrap of newspaper. It contained the image of the man who had killed Carly. He was a white man of about 50 with a severely receding hairline. His cheeks bore pock marks, presumably left from some kind of childhood illness. The overall effect of the pock marks was that they gave his cheeks the look of a pineapple rind. Luna took some comfort in his ugliness. He looked to have travelled a rough and rocky road, which, for some reason, made Luna glad. She hoped fervently that his jail sentence would be long and painful. In that moment, she threw out everything she had been taught about restorative justice. She didn't want him to be restored. She wished for revenge.

"I wish I could stab that asshole 22 times --- twice for every time he stabbed her," she said. "I want to avenge each and every wound two-fold," she declared, shaking her fist to a silent God.

Yeonjun did not comment, but rather asked, "Are you ready for your music?" as he searched his phone for the rage playlist he and Luna had created.

"Hit it!" Luna answered, taking in a deep breath.

Yeonjun began the 30-minute playlist of scream metal. Per her therapist's instructions, she put a time-limit on the playlist to remind herself that she would not be stuck in the same feeling forever. This rage would have an endpoint.

As the aggressive screaming of the music played, Luna lent her own screams to it. She picked up a tree branch and swung it wildly around herself, at moments hitting it against the trunks of nearby trees. Yeonjun took a self-protective step back. At one point, Luna fell to the ground and tore at the dead leaves and the earth beneath them. Yeonjun did not interfere with her grief or attempt to comfort her. For her part, Luna allowed herself to pour out the graphic and disturbing images that she usually had tried to stuff down. Even though it was excruciating, she pictured Carly's body lying on that very ground. She rested her forehead against the cold earth beneath her.

Eventually, her thoughts began to drift away from these macabre and disturbing images. It was just what her therapist had told her would happen. She had said that when her thoughts finally began to wander, that meant she was done with the exercise for that day. It didn't mean she wouldn't have to repeat it again, perhaps many times. It just meant that, for that moment, her body was done.

When the scream metal music ended, Yeonjun put on a second playlist of Adele music. Adele had been Carly's favorite artist. She was best known on their floor as the girl who sang Adele songs loudly and rather badly during every shower. Carly had been advised many times that her singing left something to be desired, but she would not be deterred. She sang the songs with such conviction that one might have believed she had written them herself.

Luna, in fact, had a very good voice, but she did not sing along today. Instead, she sat on the ground with her head between her knees. The utter exhaustion had taken some of the fury she initially felt upon seeing the scene of the crime. All of the gruesome ways she had invented in her head for killing or punishing the murderer had quieted due to her having poured them out in her physical lament. In that moment, she came to a quiet acceptance that she would never get payback, and in fact, she didn't need to. She determined that the perpetrator no longer owed her anything. He would face God and give an account of his deeds, and she knew that God, in His mercy, would forgive him, despite his heinous acts. She decided for her own sake to strike out the debt he owed her for taking her friend and stealing her sense of security. She decided that she would no longer be held by the image of some kind of restitution from him that would never come.

Instead, she would seek healing and find ways to live in a way that would honor Carly's memory. Luna looked up when she heard Yeonjun opening a bottle of coconut rum. They had brought it because it had been Carly's favorite drink. Yeonjun had mentioned how, in Korea, they often took soju to a gravesite and toasted the deceased. Luna thought she could use a stiff drink right about now.

He poured out three shots of rum and handed one to Luna. He kept one for himself and set the other one on the ground.

Luna held up the shot glass and said, "Carly, this is for you, girl. You were my favorite badass. You never let anyone shut you up. You never gave away your joy. I hope you can see me here with my man, Yeonjun. We're here to honor you, girl." Touching her glass to Yeonjun's she said, "To Carly."

"To Carly," he whispered as they both downed the shots.

Luna began to cough. "God, that tastes like hand sanitizer and sugar," she complained. "God only knows why she liked this."

"Her taste in drinks could have been better," Yeonjun agreed, taking a drink of water, and passing the bottle on to Luna.

Luna took Carly's shot and poured it onto the ground. She finally stood, grabbing the split-truck tree for stability. Luna and Yeonjun walked quietly out of the woods.

Later at their hotel room, Luna took a long, hot bath and put on her "Coco" pajamas. She emerged from the bathroom with her hair dripping wet. Yeonjun sat her down and blow-dried her hair, lifting each section with his fingers and massaging her scalp as well.

When she lay down, she turned to her side. Yeonjun crawled into bed beside her and turned on his side as well to face her back. He wrapped his arms around her and gently patted the top of her head.

"Jal haesso," he whispered, congratulating Luna in Korean on a job well done. He continued to rhythmically pat her head repeating his praise until he heard Luna begin to snore softly. Yeonjun remained with his face pressed to Luna's back the rest of the night. He slept very little, but instead spent most of the time wondering if the relief of dropping this heavy weight she had been carrying would translate into any difference in their relationship.

He acknowledged his self-doubt and body image issues. He owned those as fully his. However, he still felt that the pull he felt toward her was not disordered, but a very natural thing. Who wouldn't hold tight when they found someone like her? And yet, she had resisted any labels or commitments in the past. Luna would never be held down, but he hoped that she might find a way to at least assure him that she was around for the long-haul.

But for now, Yeonjun reveled in the beauty of being able to hold her in her sleep without her longing to break free. His breath began to follow the rhythm of hers as he held her with no thought of what the morning would bring.