Don't Let Me Drown (Oli Sykes Fan Fic) COMPLETE

FALLEN OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH

I was trying to stick to being positive, but a few days before November 20; Oli's birthday, I started to really question why I hadn't heard from him in so long. I got the feeling that I had been forgotten about - deliberately or otherwise. I wondered if maybe Oli had just kept me around because he thought the girls liked me, or maybe he thought after time I would sleep with him or something... maybe the girls had told him everything I'd said about not wanting to be with him and he hated me for it? I blamed myself entirely, whatever his reasons were. So many theories and thoughts went through my mind about why our friendship had failed and it was hard to shut them out. I was devastated that he'd just ghosted me after I felt like we'd built such a nice friendship. Maybe it was never that special to him? Maybe I was just a distraction or something? I hated those thoughts, but they were more than likely true. Even if everything I assumed were just things I made up in my own head, I was genuinely upset because I really did miss him. I went to bed early to try and forget about it all, but I'd be lying if I said I did.

As if the world was giving me a signal, Oli posted on Instagram that night. It was late and I didn't see the post until the following morning, but it happened never-the-less. He had posted a photo of what looked like blood, pills and the word 'die' across it. It wasn't like what he usually posted, but I guess it sort of was in line with his image and brand. The lyrics in the songs he wrote had a tendency to be quite depressing and death related, so I assumed that maybe it was something to do with a new song, like a cryptic clue or something. I didn't double-tap the picture because the truth was the image was kind of confronting and I didn't exactly like seeing blood and pills. Upon further investigation, I noticed that in the ungodly hours of that morning he had replied to some of the comments on the post and they didn't sound like him at all. There were statements like "Fuck you", "Go to hell", and then some concerning comments he'd written that said "I don't want to be saved." and "You're going to die." It sounded angry and well, quite honestly, suicidal. I knew I wasn't Oli's best friend by any means, and I didn't know him that well, but he definitely never came across as either of those things to me. He always seemed peaceful, easy going and caring, and he always seemed happy, even if it was in a quiet and shy kind of way. I didn't know why Oli hadn't spoken to me since the day he left London, but his post had me a little worried  and I wanted to let him know that I was there if he needed anything. It probably wasn't the smartest thing to say to someone who appeared so angry, but I sent him a DM saying I was here if he ever wanted to chat. My intuition was on alert and I just felt like something wasn't right so I wanted to extend an olive branch.

That afternoon, I called Behati and told her about the post. She said it was probably just song lyrics or building his brand, that 'depressing shit' was the vibe he was going for, but I still felt like something was off. My intuition was rarely wrong about things like this. She knew we hadn't spoken since he went back to Sheffield but I didn't tell her that I'd sent Oli a DM and he'd never responded to it. I also finally confided in her about how much I missed him, even though I knew she would lecture me about it. 
"I actually feel really sad about everything that's happened." I exhaled loudly. I didn't really want to admit it to her, but I couldn't pretend I didn't care anymore. I missed his company a lot more than I thought I would. "I think about him all the time, Be. I miss him so much." I admitted. Behati made an 'aww' sound like she understood. "I don't know on what level, but I wish I didn't just let him walk away like I did." I admitted. I regretted that day so much, even though I tried to not think about it. I should have said something, anything, but I just let him leave without a single word. I looked at the yellow flower I had pressed and thought about how it seemed to bring us together all those weeks ago. He had really meant a lot to me, more than I realised.

I noticed the following day that Oli had seen my DM on Instagram. He hadn't replied, but he'd definitely seen it. I felt a little hurt that he had just ignored it, but I still felt like something was going on. Surely he didn't hate me that much to give me the cold shoulder? All I could fathom was that the girls had told him everything I'd said to them in private, but even then, I scoured back over every word and every comment... I'd only ever said nice things about him, hadn't I? If I was on chatting terms with any of Oli's band mates, I would have asked if everything was OK and tried to get some answers, but I couldn't even DM them since none of them were following me. I actually wondered if he'd asked them not to. That's when I remembered Tom. He had emailed me. I had his email address. I immediately sent him an email, skating around the topic of asking if Oli was OK and if he was doing anything for his Birthday. He replied just a few hours later with a short, generic message that he had obviously sent to other people as it started with 'Hey guys' rather than an personalised greeting. The message said that he was planning a party for Oli's birthday but that they were calling it off because Oli was sick. That seemed odd since his birthday wasn't for another few days, but I just replied saying I hoped he was feeling better soon. I can't explain why, but I just felt like something was wrong. Even Tom's reply was strange. I didn't know if it was something I did, or if Oli was genuinely sick, but I felt weird about everything considering we were all so friendly just a month earlier. 

I was sitting on the couch just staring at my pressed flower in deep thought about what was going on, thinking about what Tom had said about Oli being sick, and I decided to send the flower to him. I would say it was a birthday present, but really, I was hoping that if he was sick and feeling down in the dumps that maybe it would cheer him up, even just a bit. I hoped that even though it would get there a day or two late, that maybe it would mean something to him that I'd sent it... maybe it would cheer him up. Maybe he wouldn't just completely forget about me. He would more than likely though just think it was the lamest present ever and wonder what the hell he was supposed to do with it. I headed to the local shops to buy wrapping paper and a card and when I got home, I bubble-wrapped the framed flower and wrote inside the card:

"I found this in Hyde Park on Tuesday... it was the last one of it's kind still alive. The one you picked for me seemed to bring me happiness and calm, so I hope this one will do the same for you. Happy Birthday x"

As I went to address the parcel, I realised I didn't have an address so I emailed Tom again, explaining that I wanted to send a present and that I needed Oli's address. He didn't make any small talk in his reply, but simply sent me a PO box address which seemed a bit generic. I guess that made sense though, it was probably so he didn't ever have to give out his actual address to anyone. He probably had loads of crazed fans and stalkers. I was beginning to feel a bit like one myself. Maybe it was lame, and maybe it was even too much to send a gift to someone that possibly wanted nothing to do with me anymore, but I felt like it was the right thing to do so the following day I dropped the gift in a post box.

When November 20 rolled around, I hadn't heard from Oli. He still hadn't posted anything on Instagram since the 'die' image and it was almost like he had fallen off the face of the earth. I was semi-expecting some kind of 'thank you' for the gift in the days after, but there had been nothing. It surely would have been there by now, unless he hadn't checked his mail. Maybe it was lost in the post? Maybe it had just scared him right off? Whatever it was, I still sent him a DM that simply said "Happy Birthday" on the day, and this time not only did he not reply, he also didn't see it. It was like he had completely disappeared.

What the hell was going on?