Oops...I Did It Again

Operation in Progress

To start things off for this one, I'd like to say that the American health system sucks. Like who even thought of that? Paying horrendous amounts of money just to be allowed to live is just wrong. Ok I know that's rich coming from someone that kills other people for a living but come on...

But to get to the actual story here. This contract was for a young woman, named Lauren for this story, that spent quite a bit of time in the hospital and was late on her payments. The director of that very hospital contacted me regarding the collection of the rest of the money. At first I thought that he must have mixed some numbers up. After all I didn't offer debt collection (just so you know: I still don't). I tried telling him this multiple times unfortunately to no avail. He eventually became frustrated and after having a bit of a temper tantrum (toddler style of course) he finally understood what it is I could offer him. After some more discussion we finally agreed on that poor woman's death. He gave me a name and a few other necessary details about her (he takes his confidentiality obligations very serious I guess) I was on my way to plan everything just right.

However, as you can probably guess that never works for me... I knew that before anything else, I needed to learn this poor souls' routine for day to day life. Let me tell you that this woman was no lazy ass. She got up quite early in the morning to start with some light exercise. While she looked like a goddess when she got up at that kind of hour I still looked like a homeless man living under some bridge in the Bronx. While she looked like she barely broke a sweat during her workout I looked like an exploded fire hydrant. I was horrible. I have never felt so bad in my life but at least now I have somewhat of a good morning routine. So I guess there's that.

But back to the story.

It took me two maybe three weeks to get a decent understanding of her schedule and maybe another week to work with that knowledge and fit my plans to it. She got up early, did a workout at the gym, went to work at around 7:30, took her first break at around 9:45, lunchbreak from 12:30 to 2 and then she worked through to 6. After that she went into some restaurant, sometimes Italian or Mexican, sometimes Chinese or Indian. It changed from day to day but you won't hear me complaining about that. Every once in a while she would fit some extra workouts after work in. The gym she was doing this in was one of those fancy expensive ones with 24-hour access and let me tell you just how fancy this was: as I said 24/7 access, they also had a 24-hour spa with massages, hot tubs and sauna, there was food catering and an in-gym health & dietary specialist to assist you with your exercise and food plans. I don't know how this woman could afford this and not pay for her hospital bills but I guess we will never know.

My first thought for executing this contract was waiting for her to finish one of those late night workout sessions. I would spend some inside the gym to keep an eye on her and while I'm already there I might as well get my own workout done, the place is expensive enough so why not make good use of it.

So with this plan in mind I went into the building one night. The first time I entered I was just blown away. It looked and smelled according to how much it costs to be a member. I saw Lauren getting some cardio in on the treadmill so I chose one of the machines to train your arms that wasn't too far from her so I could see whenever she would leave. She ran for about one hour and after that chose to do some more cardio with one of those rowing machines. We stayed at the gym for maybe two or three hours. I must say that this was one of the best workout experiences I've ever had. When Lauren was all packed up and leaving the gym I quickly followed and got my trusty little knife ready.

Oh, I haven't told you what I wanted to do to her right? My plan was to just stab her where I knew it would be working: the inner thigh. It's one of those places on the body where there is a major artery and if you get stabbed there it's probably just a matter of minutes until you've lost too much blood. The only difficulty was getting to that spot. I mean I couldn't just walk up to her, grab her leg and shove the knife in. How weird would that be. So no, that wasn't going to work. So I decided to be clumsy me. Bump into her and when she is distracted just stab it in.

Any idea what happened? Did it work? Of course not! Do you even know me? When she left the gym I was walking after her but took a shortcut so I could be walking into her when she was near her car. That part worked out quite alright. It's what happened after that that didn't work, not in the slightest. You see, when I did bump into her I was too clumsy for my own good. I dropped the knife, meaning that I could do it. Luckily she didn't even realise that she was about to die. She didn't see the blade (and to be honest neither did I. I have no idea where that thing went) so she just apologised as did I and we went our separate ways.

I guess no one is surprised that I couldn't do it on the first attempt. But guess what? Number 2 was an absolute success, that is if you consider her dying the success not me actually doing it by the plan. But let me tell you of her passing. My second try was just as simple as the first one. I wanted to get her on an open street. Now I am the first to admit that I don't always things through to the end but this time I really didn't think ahead. As I said I wanted to get her just out in the open world and I still wanted to go through with the stabbing but I gave up on the idea with the leg. Just stabbing would be sufficient enough. So again after a long day of work she was leaving to go for another late night workout session. She was in full workout gear already as was I. When I was close enough to her I started running towards her, knife in hand and ready to pounce. Unfortunately, she realised this and started to run as well. What is the only thing to do in that situation? Exactly, running faster. So that's what I did or at least tried. Don't get me wrong, I did speed up but so did Lauren. Remember when I said that I sometimes don't think ahead? Yeah, so what I didn't take into consideration was that Lauren used to be an athlete a runner to be exact meaning she had a lot of stamina. I know, I know, I should've seen that one coming (or leaving I guess) with all the workouts and the amount of time she spent on the treadmill. Well I didn't. Sue me.

Back to the story. We were probably running for about 15 or 20 minutes when she stopped all of a sudden. At first I thought that she was out of breath and I my chance had come but then she started vomiting blood and eventually collapsed onto the pavement. She looked like she was in excruciating pain and got more pale by the second. It was actually quite scary to witness. I heard some people around me call for help either to bystanders or 911. But unfortunately for poor Lauren it took the ambulance way too long to arrive and she bled to death in the middle of the street.

Now you might be wondering what caused all of this. Let me tell you what one of my contacts in the ER told me later that day. Apparently the surgeon in charge of her surgery was lacking a fundamental skill that is taught to children quite early on in their academic careers. That skill is called counting. He didn't count all the equipment he used when operating on Lauren. He left some clamps and other little things inside her that since she got the all green for working out and exercising had been moving around damaging her organs bit by bit. That caused some internal bleeding which eventually got so bad that it ruptured organs and tissue making her spit it out all at once after our game of tag.