Oops...I Did It Again

Hygiene Is Important

Let me tell you the story of my first ever contract. This was about five years ago.

I was hired to kill a violent husband that we will call Brad. Brad kept beating his wife, let's call her Diane, and his little daughter, we'll name her Becky. Diane and Becky had been living in this hell for quite some time now and Diane decided that enough would be enough. I have no idea how she found me since I didn't promote myself anywhere yet. And let's be honest, as a hitman traditional advertising in newspapers or on billboards isn't going to work. Imagine seeing a giant billboard next to the highway advertising "Katy Pierce – The hitman you never knew you needed! No returns or refunds possible". That would be very subtle wouldn't it? And that wouldn't possibly raise any suspicion, right?

But back to the story. Diane approached me online and after some back and forth we agreed on the murder of her husband.

When I started preparing the final minutes of Brad I had absolutely no idea what I should expect. It was my very first kill after all and by all means I was far from experienced. My plan was to stab him somehow. So I started following him around for like a week. In the morning he went to work in his car, always going way above the speed limit. Trying to keep up with him turned out to be quite dangerous actually. I nearly crashed at least three times and I may or may not have been the cause for one or two crashes. Okay seven. There were seven accidents that I caused.

Brad worked for a towing company meaning that he was on the road almost all the time... I guess people in this town really didn't know how to park. When working his driving habits didn't seem to change so there might have been some more accidents with me following but for my own sanity I won't count them. He worked for a few hours and then he went to a bar where he would stay at least four yours getting wasted on the cheapest liquor they served. He drank the cheapest and because I am a classy lady I chose also the cheapest because I was really broke. I can guarantee you though that the cheapest stuff gets you drunk the fastest. That might have made executing the plan I had slightly difficult. The first time I tried stabbing Brad it was in the alleyway behind the so called "New Irish Pub" in the middle of the night. I was quite drunk because stupid me didn't remember that I actually had a job to do once I saw any alcohol. So you can probably imagine how I was stumbling around trying to find my knife I was carrying somewhere on my body. I had to stop walking to search my entire body and I mean ENTIRE body. Once I found the object of desire the victim of my desire was nowhere to be found. So defeated I decided to go find my car but luckily for everyone else I couldn't find my way back to the parking lot and just took a taxi back home.

The second time I planned on killing Brad was once again in the middle of the night in another alleyway behind a different bar. This time I was clever enough not to drink but that didn't stop me from failing again. Whereas last time I at least had the knife on me even if it took me a solid ten minutes to find it, this time I didn't take it with me in the first place and so attempt number two was a great failure too.

For the third try I decided against the night and planned on doing something I saw in the TV show. I wanted to kill him in broad daylight when he's surrounded by as many people as possible. Lucky for me he decided to take his family to a theme park and theme parks are known for hosting large crowds of people. I wanted to do this very sneakily: walk into him, have the knife in hand stab him in the stomach while I bump into him. To me that sounded like a very simple but effective plan. The crowd would help me get away from the scene as fast as I would be there. What I didn't plan on was that if I could blend in with the huge mass of people so could Brad.

So once I was close enough to start executing my plan someone else ran into me and I lost sight of my target. I kept looking around but I couldn't find them anywhere. Feeling very sad I then went and stood in line for the biggest rollercoaster to lighten my mood.

Hey don't make that face... I paid a lot of money to get into that park might as well have fun. Don't tell me you wouldn't do the same!

Now we're getting to the part where he actually died. The way he left this world is rather hilarious if not even ridiculous. After all my attempts to end his life the thing that actually did the job was his own poor hygiene.

This horrible man died because of an ingrown toenail. Now that doesn't sound like a deadly disease however it can be quite dangerous. The thing with his toenail is that the nail kept irritating the skin when he was walking a lot in the theme park. It got so bad that the irritation turned into an inflammation then caused the area to produce a lot of pus. When he kept walking more the capsule in which the pus is kept inside the injury popped and had blood poisoning as a result which eventually lead to Brad's death.

This ridiculous turn of events was very good because Diane and Becky were freed from this horrible man and I didn't get questioned by the police if I was to blame but I still kind of got my first kill on the scoreboard. And if I tell you I got it on the scoreboard I mean that. I got messages from other people in my work field complementing me on this genius way of poisoning someone so slowly. I guess nobody heard about the toenail doing the job but, hey, if life tosses you a free "get out of jail"-card, quite literally might I add, you absolutely do not question it.