To Grieve, Learn and Let Go (Pedro Pascal/Joel Miller Inspired Story)

Family Loss

"How are you holding up?"

"Hmm? Oh, y-yeah. I'm holding up the best way I can." I had been withholding so many tears for the past hour. Losing loved ones is something I've always had to experience. Always the heartaches, the tears, the vulnerability. I've never had a break and I don't think I ever will. I have such bad luck.

It is July 13, 2019. We just ended my grandmother's funeral and are now at my grandparent's house. I had just lost my grandmother a few weeks ago to liver failure. I had lost my grandfather three months prior to diabetes. I lost two of the most important people in my life. My grandparents raised me for 17 years after my mother abandoned me when I was ten years old. My heart hurts so much knowing that I'll never see their faces or hear their loving and caring voices again. Only pictures and memories of them will serve as a remembrance of their love and care for me.

I feel a gentle hand go on my shoulder "I'm sorry for your loss." Nicole has been my best friend since kindergarten. She knew my grandparents very well. They treated her like she was their own. Telling by her solemn voice, she too was feeling the effects of my loss. "Losing family just when things are leading you in the right direction, can really dampen one's spirit."

"I'm drenched at this point. My grandparents are gone and feel absolutely numb. I have no one."

I wipe a tear off my cheek, as I think of the pain of not being able to witness their happy smiles and showering me with good wishes as I take a big step toward getting a bachelor's degree.

I graduated from a community college in the Bronx with a degree in Education two weeks ago. Within two months, I'll transfer to UCLA, and I have been preparing for the big move for a while now. My grandparents have been helping me save money so that I can afford to live there. But the money that I have been saving up has been used for funeral expenses and I have only $2,500 to my name. I need to save what I have in case I need to pay other university expenses. I already paid to have my meal plan and dorm set. The boba shop I've been working at for the past four years doesn't have a franchise for me to transfer and continue employment. I have been saving up money for driving lessons but that also was used for funeral expenses. I'm at my worst and I don't know where things will end up.

Close relatives and friends are roaming around the house, grieving in their own ways. Their dark clothes and drowned-out faces match their gloominess and sadness. Some are drinking the pain away. Some are smoking their pain away. And some are eating the pain away with baked mac and cheese, collard greens, candied yams, glazed ham, fried cabbage, BBQ chicken and red velvet cake. Soul food is to nourish both a sad and happy soul, as my grandfather would say. Some are using humor and memories to cope.

Sharice, a childhood friend of my grandmother comes up to me, drying her tear-covered face, and I try so hard not to burst out in tears. "Mariana, just know that your grandmother loved you very much and is watching over you. She was a gem."

"Thanks, Mrs. Williams. And I loved her as much as she loved me."

"I'm so sorry you're going through this. If you need anything, you can always call me."

"Thanks, Mrs. Williams. I'll be sure to." I can hear her sniffle as she walks away and heads to the kitchen to join the rest of the mourners.

My grandparents had a lot of friends and seeing them all gathered here is bittersweet. Nearly all of my family on my mother's side have either passed away or moved to a different country, leaving me with no other relatives to rely on. As for my father's side of the family, I haven't been in contact with them ever since my mother's passing. I do recall my dad calling a few times but then the calls stopped all of a sudden. All I remember of my dad is his nose and that he'd call me Mia. I only have one picture of him holding me as a baby.

Nicole sits down beside me, pressing her cheek against mine. Her body heat is warming up my body. "I wish I could take the pain away from you, Mari."

I sob. "It stings so much! I can still smell and feel their presence."

"It's because they're still here, Mari. They may not be here physically but in spirit, they are."

"I don't know what to do! And I just sold the house! The oldest house ever to exist since 1865." This house has existed since Black people had to face racial injustice and violence. "I won't have a place to stay starting tomorrow. This house is the only place where I felt comfortable and safe. My entire childhood and my early adulthood have all been in this house."

"This house has memories. Not a lot of people can leave their childhood home. It's tough. I wish I could let you stay at my place, but you know that my landlord has put a strict no Roommate policy and I can get kicked out if they see you staying with me. But you can stay at the hotel where I work!"

I scoff. "The four-star hotel that I can't afford, Nicole? For two months? I can't."

"I'll be more than happy to help you out. I get discounts for any three guests! I can help you pay half of the expenses."

"N-no, Nicky. I can find an Airbnb to stay in."

"Mari, I really don't mind! My boss is chill, so it won't be any problem. You have money to save before your big move and I'm willing to help out in any way possible." Nicky has always been there for me. At times I can't believe she's been my only best friend. But this favor she's giving me is way too much for me and I would want to pay her back somehow.

"Okay, I promise once I get enough money saved up working, I'll pay you back."

She hugs me, squeezing me as she rubs her cheek affectionately on mine. "Sounds good. But take your time."

"I have two days to pack the rest of my stuff. Then the house will finally be empty."

"It's going to be bittersweet. It's not going to be easy. I'll help you pack."