To Grieve, Learn and Let Go (Pedro Pascal/Joel Miller Inspired Story)

Health

"Hmm, try to take in one more breath, Mariana."

I inhale as much air as possible and exhale. In a matter of seconds, I become winded, and I start coughing. My lungs feel tight and so does my chest and it's hard for me to breathe. I grab my inhaler from my jean pocket and use it.

My doctor puts the tube and peak flow away, disposing them in a bin. She fills a plastic cup with water and gives it to me. Her face shows concern as she turns her entire body to me in her wheeled chair. "Mariana, it seems that you've not been taking your medications. How many days have you missed?"

I take a few gulps and stop coughing. "I've only missed a day." I toss the empty cup into the bin beside me.

"A missed day can affect you. What happened?"

"I've been mourning the loss of my grandmother and haven't had enough strength to take my meds."

"So, it's been more than a day?"

"Um- probably a week and a half."

"I see." Hanging around her necklace is a stethoscope. She brings the earpiece of a stethoscope to her ears and asks me to breathe in and out. I do so and she presses the round flat metal piece of it to the lower, middle and upper parts of my back and chest. It's hard for me to take in this many breaths because of how tight my chest feels. I can hear the pool of mucus and wheezing from my lungs through my ears. I've always hated the sounds of it. It's like hearing a dying monster clawing out of a thick dark cave. By the time she's done, the medicine has kicked in and the wheezing has stopped.

She takes the earpieces out of her ears and sighs. "You have a lot of mucus build up. The muscles in your lungs are inflamed."

"But I felt fine before."

"You can feel fine one day but feel horrible the next day. Your records show that you've been hospitalized more than ten times this year and many more throughout your life."

I lie back in the chair as I recall all of the hospitalizations I've endured. When I was a child, my grandparents would have me miss weeks of school because almost every single molecule in a classroom would trigger an asthma attack. I missed out on most school trips. I didn't get to have or get to sleep overs that much. The biggest asthma attack I had was at the age of fifteen and it was triggered because I caught the biggest flu that was passed down to me by a classmate in History class. These memories are not pleasant. After I turned sixteen and my grandparents got older and their health started declining, I had to go to the emergency room on my own. I was alone, terrified and wondering if I was going to die. I'm getting chills just by the thought of dying from an asthma attack and not having my inhaler with me to save me.

"Doctor I've had severe asthma since I was ten years old and have managed to survive all attacks." I'm putting on an invisible shield to protect my worries.

"Mariana, it's not just about surviving, it's about not taking your condition seriously." She says in a lighthearted way. "Asthma is a dangerous disease that can mask even the mildest of symptoms. Your asthma is long term."

"I've heard many whose asthma have gone away as they got older."

"Asthma can affect people differently no matter the age of the person. You're twenty-seven. You're young, but asthma can be fatal to young people like you and I."

I can't deny that my asthma is deadly. Having asthma is like breathing through a straw and it's unbearable and uncomfortable. There are communities that are affected by many health threats that are beyond asthma. Each day I suffer and each day I wish for my asthma to be gone so I can live a comfortable life without worry. This disease is so burdensome.

"I understand, doctor. I'll take my meds regularly. Since I'm going to be living in a different state, what are some things I should look out for?"

There's a pamphlet on the desk and she picks it up and gives it to me. I open it and there are pages of instructions and information about my condition.

"Asthma can be triggered in many different ways. Environment, allergens, weight, stress, anxiety, and much more. Inside the pamphlet are a list of triggers and ways to prevent asthma attacks. There are also instructions on what to do before, during and after an asthma attack. I'll prescribe you a new set of medications and an inhaler.

"I'm going to be living on campus, which will have me do a lot of walking than usual. What do I do then, if something happens? What if I come across something that will give me a reaction and get into an attack?"

"I was going to say that it's best to not live by yourself but since you'll be living with roommates, you won't have that problem. If an inhaler doesn't work, you can use an EpiPen, which I'll prescribe to you. In the meantime, Mariana, I advise you to not skip your medications. They can save your life."

***

I'm at the pharmacy and waiting in line to put in my prescription. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by what was said to me. I only have one life to live. I don't have many chances when it comes to my health. I've been playing with my health like it meant nothing to me and my doctor had given me a reality check. At least now I know that even with age, asthma can sometimes never go away.

"Next!" The person in front of me steps forward.

It won't take long to take care of this customer, so I take out my phone to check my work schedule for next week. The boba shop I work at hasn't posted the schedule yet and it's Friday afternoon. I told them that I would be back by July 15th, which is a Monday, and today is July 19th. They usually post it on Thursday mornings. I had been out of work for the past two weeks because of my grandmother's passing. It's making me worry.

The screen opens and I see that the new schedule has been posted but my name is not on the schedule. I start to panic, and I text my manager. I'm next in line and I hand the pharmacist the white slip. The pharmacist tells me it will take fifteen minutes for my meds to be ready and to have a seat. I take the available seat in the waiting area, and I look at my phone anxiously. I see three little bubbles on the message, increasing my anxiety.

Finally, I see a text from my manager.

Hi Mariana. Unfortunately, you will not be working for us anymore. Although we're aware of your condition, you've been calling out sick more than usual and it's been affecting not only your performance but the functioning of the shop.

I'm shattered. Not only did they fire me, but they fired me knowing that I had just suffered a loss. They knew I had a disability and were aware of that when they interviewed me and hired me. I even made my availability to only part time because I knew that working full time would trigger my asthma attacks.

I give them a reply, explaining all that has happened and what they were aware of. I give them all of the evidence to prove that the firing me was discriminatory and unlawful. If they had felt that my disability was going to impact the shop, then they should've thought twice before hiring me. All they could have just been honest and said was that my family loss and asthma attack was an inconvenience to them.

They gave more excuses and then took back their words and tried to negotiate by putting me back on the schedule and giving me more hours. I give my last two cents before demanding them to give me the remaining PTO pay. This is the last they'll hear from me.  I wonder what else is going to get thrown at me.