unrequited love • tee higgins

005

GUILT

trigger warning: this chapter contains sensitive topics. (self-harm)

march 14, 2022

"i love you," he said. "no, i'm in love you with, lily." you may be wondering who this is. his name is justin fields. sound familiar? it is the same justin fields that is a quarterback for the chicago bears.

this happened years ago, back when i was in college.

you may be wondering, he sounds like he loves me, why aren't i with him today? great question.

i couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with this person, when i pictured my future, he wasn't in it.

little did i know, he planned to propose to me later that day. that only proved my point that a relationship like this wasn't right for me.

at the time, my life was one that others could only dream of having. i was dating justin fields, who was deeply in love with me, i had perfect grades, a giant group of friends, i had it all.

obviously, that so called group of friends was the fakest group of people you could ever meet. but justin, he was a montage.

considering how highly i am speaking of him, you may still be confused. let me put this in simple terms.

i broke his heart cause he was nice.

he was like a ray of sunshine, i was like midnight rain. he wanted a bride, i was making my own name.

i had places to go, and being engaged to a potential nfl player doesn't let me do those things.

all these years later, he's stayed the same and all of me changed, for the better actually.

i gave that life away, because i didn't want it. i love the life i have now, living in cincinnati. but why did i feel a sting in my chest when i read the letter he sent me this morning?

🦋

dear lily hubbard,

i know it's been a long time. i should've written this sooner, but this is the first time i can think about you without it ripping my heart out.

i know, and you know, that you weren't down for forever and that's fine. but i loved you like i've never loved anyone before.

i hope this is your address, i remember you told me this was the apartment you wanted to buy before we broke up.

i miss you lily, i really do. i know you didn't love me, or maybe you did, but if i showed up at your doorstep would you turn me away?

i know you've changed, would you love me now? i just want to go back to the times when we were young and happy together, or at least i was happy.

i remember when we had those arguments in your garage, and i can't help but think that is what sabotaged our relationship.

you would always tell me that you were in love with your future and you wouldn't let anything get in the way of that.

i wonder how different we both are from the scared little kids who had those arguments.

so let me say this, lily. i really hope you're happy, and you found your guy you are going to spend the rest of your life with.

i wish you nothing but the best, despite how things ended.

i hope you took your bad deal and made a royal flush. i don't know if i'll see you again someday, i miss you. and i hope that you're ok.

-justin fields

i blinked back a couple of tears once i finished reading his letter. i realized that i did do everything i told him and myself that i would, and i'm proud of myself for following my dreams.

but, what if i would've stayed with him. what if i would've let myself love him? this letter is single handedly haunting all of my what if's.

he didn't put a return address, or a phone number so i have no way of responding to him, and i am pretty sure he did that on purpose.

somehow, all these contradictory feelings rose back up that i pushed to the back of my mind years ago.

i know i'm the one who pushed him away, so i feel guilty for that, all the other feelings aren't ones that i can put my hand on.

i have to view this letter as closure, but considering some of the things said, i just can't and it's making me very frustrated.

i don't know what to feel, but i need to feel something.

i go into the shower and turn on the hot water, just a little bit too hot to where it doesn't completely burn my skin, but it sends shivers down my spine.

once i finish my shower, i keep the water running once i get out. it's steamy, and it feels nice.

i grab my eyelash scissors, the ones that i rarely use because i never wear false lashes and i sit on the toilet seat.

the metal scissors feel uncomfortable against my skin. i start poking the inside of my thigh with the scissors, leaving little holes in my skin.

i took her towel and swiped the blood as it trickled from my skin.

tears rolled down my cheeks and i felt satisfied, i was feeling something. i wiped the scissors off and put them away.

i hate that i do this to myself, i don't do it often but i hate it. i don't know how to not do it. it's like an addiction, some use drugs, other use alcohol, some use this.

i'm not okay, and i know that. i feel so scattered. my emotions are too much to decipher.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

if you are anyone you know is struggling with similar things, everything is gonna be fine, you can talk to someone and get some help. it's okay not to be okay, and you don't have to be ashamed of that