unrequited love • tee higgins

006

THE MOON

trigger warning: this chapter contains sensitive topics. (self-harm)

march 20, 2022

it's been exactly a week since i read justin's letter. i know his intent was definitely not this, but it somehow is having this affect on me.

every time i've showered, i cut myself. if it weren't for the wounds healing, i wouldn't know which ones were done on which day.

i heard a knock at the door, so i quickly finished getting dressed and left my bathroom. i didn't have time to clean it up.

i opened the door and a package was sitting there. i rushed for no reason, i grabbed the package and closed the door.

i set it on the kitchen counter, reading the label and knowing it isn't mine.

i walked back into my room, which emily was sitting on my bed. i walk past her and close my bathroom door, not knowing how much "evidence" i left out.

"do you have any plans for today?" emily asks me, she doesn't seem like she knows anything.

"i'm going over to jamar's that's it though." i say grabbing a pair of shoes out of closet.

"okay, have fun." emily said walking out of my room.

🦋

once i arrived at jamar's house, i took my shoes off and sat down on the couch. he grabbed a bottle of water for me from the kitchen.

he sat down on the couch too, but he just looked at me, awkwardly. this definitely wasn't like him.

"what's wrong?" i ask, not liking the vibes in the room at the moment.

he looked away from me and sighed, he looked back at me and i wished he didn't. his eyes were glossy.

"why do you do that?" he asks, his voicing not maintaining a smooth sound, it was shaky.

"do what?" i ask oblivious to what he means.

"why do you hurt yourself, lily?" he asked, he started crying. the entire time i've known jamar i have never seen him cry tears of sadness, not even after losing the superbowl.

i struggled to find the right words to say. were their any in the first place? every time i opened my mouth to say something, i shut it again.

him crying made me cry too. how does he even know about this?

"how do you know?" i ask, the tears streaming down my face now.

"i had my suspicions, then emily told me." he said. "we're both worried about you, lils." he said.

"please stop doing it, lily. please." he said, he looked at me with his glossy brown eyes and i realized how selfish it was.

i did it to hurt myself, i didn't realize i was hurting other people too. imagine if sam found out.

"i'll stop." i say, and i mean it. if this is the outcome just for 2 minutes of satisfaction, i don't ever want to do it again.

"are you mad at emily for telling me?" jamar asked.

"no," i said. "if she didn't, i probably still would do it. and honestly, i hated myself for doing it." i say. i feel like it makes no sense.

if i hate doing something so much, why did i still chose to do it?

"you can talk to me about anything that bothers you, lily." jamar said. i know this, i always have, but reassurance was nice.

"what made you want to do it?" he asked, "what was bothering you?"

"i dated this guy in college, and it was very complicated." i said, not really knowing how to explain it.

"i was so focused on my future and everything i wanted that i didn't realize what i had right in front of me." i said. "he was the sweetest most loving human imaginable and i pushed him away because i was afraid, afraid of falling in love and not following my dreams." i said.

"if he wouldn't support your dreams, then he wasn't the one." jamar said. "who is he?"

"justin fields he had dreams of his own." i said.

i know jamar had questions, but he knew now wasn't the time for them. "i got this letter last week, and it made me so confused." i say pulling up a picture of the letter.

"i didn't know what to feel and i guess doing it made me feel something." i say as he read the letter.

jamar handed me my phone back and wrapped his arms around me. he rubbed my back with his thumb.

jamar and i don't have moments like this often, or ever really. it made me realize how grateful i am to have him in my life.

her never judged me for anything, and would drop anything to help me in a heartbeat.

i can't help but wonder. if he knew what he said would go straight to my head, what would he say instead?

i met jamar at the perfect time in my life. i had just moved into my apartment, and i was nervous out of my mind.

he made me feel comfortable, like everything will be alright without even saying anything.

he was like a lifeline for me in this moment, i needed someone and he was there and never for a second did he make me doubt that.

"thank you, jamar." i said during the hug. i wasn't saying thank you for anything is particular, i was saying thank you for everything, for existing, for always being there.

"of course, lils." he replied. "i'll always be here for you." he said.

"i would do anything for you." jamar said, and i knew he meant that in so many ways. "if i could give you the moon, i would give you the moon." he said.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

jamar and lily's friendship was something i really wanted to focus on bc i think it's so cute