Not the End

15 - Moving On

My legs are taking me to Tsahik's tent to see my mother, but I feel ten feet behind my body. I feel like I could drift away, the only thing tethering me to the ground is the bags of my belongings slung over my shoulders. Eventually I find myself right outside the hut. Closing my eyes, I take a slow breath. Time to say goodbye.

My feet move forward, softly stepping into the tent I have come to know all too well. I may never see this place again. Drying my cheeks I take a deep breath, my mother is in the same place she has been for days now, Tsahik is in the main tent, unaware of my presence. I kneel in front of my mother's weak body, it is amazing how different she looks, her tall, strong, body I have always known lies helpless on a cot. I have never seen her look frail, or fragile in any capacity, I do not want to remember her like this. 

The tears well in my eyes again as I take her hand in mine, it feels cold, not like dead-cold, just cold. She has never felt cold, she has always been warm and comforting, my body shudders at this unfamiliar, unsettling feeling. I gently lay her hand back on the cot, placing my own hands in my lap. 

"Mother..." I whisper, just loud enough for her to hear. If she can hear me. "I do not understand what has happened to you. I wish you were awake to hear this, but I do not have time." I swallow, taking in a shaky breath. "I have found a mate, whom I love. He is very good to me, and his family..." I cannot waste any time sugarcoating this. "We have to leave, tomorrow." My eyes flicker across her face, hoping, but also fearing any sort of reaction, but her face doesn't move, the only movement is her slow, steady breathing. "I do not know if I will ever come back. You have to understand, it is the only way." My voice breaks, I drop my head and wipe my tears, clearing my throat. "Kata is strong enough now, -she does not need me anymore. I am so sorry to leave you like this." My eyes trail across her whole body, I see her in front of me, but it doesn't feel like she is here. 

"I pray Eywa will wake you soon, from whatever this is. You will come out of this stronger." I sniff and close my eyes, trying to steady my breathing. "You will be okay without me. You need to be strong. Please fight whatever this is. Kata may not need me, but she needs you. Aada and Lono need you. I need you." It takes all my power to hold my tears in. "Mama, I cannot lose you too." I hold my breath, staring at her face, but still, no reaction or movement at all. Both a disappointment and relief.

>><<

I make sure to dry my tears and to put on a brave face before going back. I need to be strong. I stare at the cold, hard rock beneath my feet as I make my way to the Sully's. My head is buzzing, yet empty, too exhausted to think. My gaze is pulled up to someone walking in my direction.

"He went back to the house." Lo'ak speaks as he walks right past me, not even bothering to look at me. I watch him stop at a table with some gear on it, looks like stuff for cleaning Jake's guns. 

"Okay." I say after a little too long if a pause. I thought I would have kept walking towards the tent, but my body is stuck here, staring at Lo'ak. He continues his work for a minute before realizing I haven't moved.

"Why are you still here?" He tried to say it nicely, but it came out piercing. I open my mouth to respond, but honestly, I don't have an answer. He sighs, clearly bothered by my presence. He still hasn't looked at me.

"Lo'ak." I say softly, failing to hide the pain in my voice. He huffs and turns his head toward me. 

"I didn't mean it like that." He says, setting whatever he is holding back on the table. I keep staring in confusion. "I just, I don't understand why you are always trying to like, "connect" with me or whatever. You always try to act like you care about me." I scoff weakly, stepping towards him.