Secret little

Little alone

My partner went out so I was alone. I never liked it cause the bad thoughts were always lurking in my mind which made me slip into little space. They didnt know I was a little though and I never said too afraid to say. I was worried they would leave me and it to be too much for them. I just looked after myself cause I just felt they would get bothered at having to look after me. I ended up becoming little though maybe half an hour after they left. I didn't mean to slip I managed to hide it for a while.

It is just that I am alone and I know they won't see then so I didn't have to worry if I was being little right now. I always supressed it whenever they were here which wasn't easy and it affected my autism a lot more since I got more overwhelmed then but I just gave other reasons for why it happened. So far they hadn't noticed that I was which made me feel relieved and I always reminded myself what could happen if they were to find out. They already have to deal with the fact that I have sensory issues, they don't need me being little on top of that.

I got good at taking care of myself, it was hard at first but I got the hang of it eventually when I looked at a few videos of other littles without caregivers. I wasn't sure why I had slipped today but I always tried to look out for the triggers so that I could avoid them when Lumi was here. It wasn't always possible but I tried my hardest to because I knew the entire relationship could break if my secret were to be seen. I don't think being little was avoidable today since it has been all over the place when I left my mum's house. 

I guess today was stressful after I left my home. My family so angry with me for leaving. I know they hate me and it makes me feel so sad. I slipped because I got the bad thoughts again. I felt scared, not sure if I could be strong enough. Another reason I didn't tell Lumi is because I didnt want them to worry about me while they were out. I got my sippy and paci that I took with me. I hid them in my suitcase along with my little clothes so Lumi doesn't find them.

I made myself some angel milky and sucked on my paci as I waited for it to be heated up enough. When it was done I put it in my favourite little bottle. I had two of them a unicorn one and a starry one. I liked the unicorn one more cause unicorns are my favourite animal. I went back up to our room and got a comfy blankie. They said I could use their laptop if I was careful. I logged into my account and went on Netflix. I went on my little show list. I decided to watch doc mcstuffins it was what I loved to watch the most out of all of them.

I took out my paci and started drinking my angel milk as I watched it. The warmth of the drink calmed me down and made me feel smaller as I drank it so I was non verbal at this point. I made sure to be careful and put the bottle aside when I was finished. I lay down with my unicorn stuffie and watched the screen as I put my paci back in. I closed my eyes and fell asleep feeling better and the thoughts now just a whisper in the back of my mind.

Time skip 1 hour later

I woke up to the sound of a Motor roller and didn't think much of it because I was still half asleep from my nap. Then I realised that Lumi was back. I got a bit panicked and I closed down netflix completely before putting the laptop away. I got my bottle and paci before going to the bathroom. I needed the toilet so I sorted that first before cleaning both my bottle and Paci. It didn't take me long since I was used to hiding it by now. I rushed to our room and put the things away again and I put my blanket back where it was. 

I was done as soon as Lumi opened the door and I felt relieved calming quickly. 

"Hi love," she greeted and I smiled.

I went to the kitchen with her and helped put away the things she had gotten from the shops. She got sweets which I made a mental note not to eat otherwise my secret would definitely be exposed. We decided to start making food then and I was trying to get back into my non-regressed mind. 

"You ok?" Lumi asked me seeming worried.

"Of course, lets get started on food," I got the ingredients and equipment we needed.

Lumi looked unsure but I gave a small smile which seemed to convince her that everything was ok.