Secret little

Movie night

We had just had food and I kinda wished I could be small but with Lumi being here it wasn't possible. It felt difficult at times with her not knowing about it because sometimes I forgot and nearly slipped but then realised I didn't tell her. It broke the heart of little me every time but I felt them knowing was a risk to us so I decided it would be better to suppress it than to lose them because I was a little. Sometimes I wished I wasn't then my life would be easier, having a secret like this is stressful especially when you have been together for over a year.

When I found out I was a little which wasn't immediately, it caused me to be anxious sometimes because I was worried that someone would find out. 

They suggested a movie after we ate so now we are just picking one to watch.

"How about How to train your dragon?" she questioned and I wasn't sure what to say since I watched that when I was little so I wasn't sure how I would react.

I didn't know what to say in this moment because I loved the movies but I knew that it was too much of a risk and wished that they just knew but I couldn't say one word about it. The fear was too much to handle. I just nodded and smiled so they put it on, I just had to try my hardest not to be small which is easier said than done right now. 

"I got snacks, what would you like, we have chocolate, sweets and crisps, I even got your favourite," they told me.

I was half in hald out of little space and I'm surprised but glad they didn't notice. I was usually more cuddly and I was very quiet. I stimmed a lot more but I guess they just thought it was my autism that was causing it so thought nothing of it. That made me happy since maybe I wouldn't be found out but I still had to be kinda careful because in some ways it is noticeable, at least with me and I can't let anyone find it out. If they did I would lose them maybe or worse.

I realised they asked me what I wanted so I quietly mumbled chocolate and they passed it to me. It was one that I liked and could eat, I mean of course it was because they wouldn't give me something that I couldn't eat. They got something as well and we started eating our snacks as we watched the movie. I got comfy and snuggled against them. It felt nice not to watch movies alone but with someone, I always found a way to avoid it.

I didn't want them to be sad by rejecting another time. I felt I could stay in my older mental state but I believed in myself more than I should of. I managed so many times to not be little in front of them though and had plenty of practice to hide it. It was never easy but this time was harder. I tried as best as I could though which wasn't easy. I went to the bathroom half way through to have a break from hiding my little self.

It was exhausting and I needed some time to collect myself. When I was ready I went back to them.

"You ok Phoenix?" they asked which brought me out of being small.

"Yeah I'm ok," I sat back down with them and was safe.

I didn't have any incident during the rest of the time that I might be small which was a relief. When it was over we put the snacks away and started to get ready for bed. I got into my comfy PJ's before going to the bathroom to use the toilet, do self care and brush my teeth. Once I was ready I climbed in bed. Today was really exhausting and even with having an hour nap today I was really tired. I usually took two or three naps. I didn't even have the energy to read before bed and ended up falling asleep.

I wasn't that too deep in sleep that I didn't feel Lumi cuddling beside me, placing another blanket on me so I don't get cold and giving me a forehead kiss.

"Goodnight baby," they whispered.

Making me small all over again but I was going to sleep so it didn't matter. It isn't that obvious then and they would sleep too so I wasn't worried about it. I just let myself be small as I fell into a deeper and deeper sleep. It felt nice and I felt very calm. My mind was blank and I felt safe in the arms of Lumi, feeling like the bad dreams couldn't get me.