Alter Ego Stand up

Stand up by Shiratori Kurumi

After Miyu got off the stage, Kurumi quickly got up to continue the "comedy" show, I guess?

Kurumi took the microphone and did a sound check. "Testing, testing, is this thing on?" The microphone screeched, stunning everyone in the room. "Yep, it works, sorry about that."

Kurumi took a deep breath and started with what she understood about stand-up comedy.

"Hello, everyone. How are you?... You don't need to answer that question, it's clear you're going to say 'fine.' If someone says otherwise, well, I'm sorry, this is stand-up, not therapy. I don't really care how you are; it's just the pretense of politeness. I have to assume you're fine, though, or why would you be here? Although, I wouldn't be surprised if Rondo fans were a bit emo."

"But anyway, that's not important. Maybe I should start by introducing myself. Hi, everyone, I'm Kurumi Shiratori, and today I'm going to kill you... with laughter. Very informal greeting. So 'Gokigenyou,' so the Charwoman will see that I'm acting like a lady."

"Who are you calling Chairwoman?"

"You see that? She loves me... I don't mean in a romantic sense, more like in a friendship sense. Haruna ('Chairwoman' to her friends) only has eyes for Aoi, and sometimes Miyu. Or was it the other way around? But who wouldn't have eyes for Aoi? Raise your hand, Aoi. Well, we all know who Aoi is here."

"I don't," said a person from the audience.

"That's easily fixed. Security! Take him out; he doesn't deserve to be here. But the thing is, even I would check her out, Aoi, you should have been born a guy... Just kidding, Aoi. I love you, never change."

"Speaking of love, the one I would date would be Miiko... Of course, if she had been born a man... well, or me... but not both. It would be amazing to have Miiko as a wife. I lose my keys, and she helps me; she loves mysteries. 'The mystery of the missing keys' sounds like a Sherlock Holmes chapter. I can already hear myself saying, 'Elementary, my dear Takeshita.' I know Holmes never actually said that, before some Holmes canon expert jumps on me."

"Speaking of classic books, Miyu already gave us her dose of literary laughs, but I wonder, why didn't she mention the Divine Comedy? What's so funny about that work? I read it thinking I was going to laugh, and it didn't make me chuckle once. It seems more like a tragedy. Why not call it 'The Divine Tragedy' instead? That way, we avoid confusing readers."

"Maybe it's just not my style. I'm more into fantasy. Are there classic fantasy books? You'll say, 'Of course! The Lord of the Rings.' A whole story to throw a ring into a volcano. Couldn't they just destroy it or melt it? That way they would have saved some mileage. People, if you see a ring, for the love of all that is good, don't touch it, you never know when you'll have to face a dark lord."

Another fantasy classic, "The Chronicles of Narnia". Has anyone read it? Those who raised their hand, don't be liars, nobody read that book, everyone knows the story from the movies. I'm sure no one here knew it was a book. But what can we say about this story? A magical wardrobe that serves as a portal? Why a wardrobe? Isn't something else easier... I don't know... a refrigerator? It would be more appropriate, since the witch plunged Narnia into an eternal winter. What I do appreciate about Lewis is the simplicity of his titles "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe". I don't think anyone would think it's not a story about a lion, a witch and a wardrobe with that title.

And speaking of Lewis, did anyone understand "Alice in Wonderland"? I only understood that the Queen of Hearts wanted to roll heads... literally. I wonder if the poor woman managed to cut any off. The good thing is that she had a great tribute in the song "Queen of Hearts" by Juice Newton. But no one knows that song, unless they've played GTA San Andreas, in which case, I'll stay at home if that person thinks of grabbing a steering wheel.

But let's leave books, they're boring, especially if you're forced to read them in class. Yes, literature teacher, I already understand that you can go crazy reading so many books. So why do you force me to read books? Does the education system want me to end up like Don Quixote, shooting at windmills? Children don't care about the Odyssey, it's more of an "Iliad" and an "Odyssey" to read it. They don't care about Ujimasa's life either.

Well, they could choose better books. I'm not asking them to force themselves to read "The Hunger Games" or "Fifty Shades of Grey". I hope they never dare to read the latter. Even the Bible is more exciting than "Genji No Monogatari". Jesus, the best fictional character. Well, it is fantasy... Not true! Long live Christ the King! Don't get mad, Miyu. She's very religious. Amen, gentlemen, Jesus is with us. Well, if Jesus were alive, I don't think he would be in a club called "Alter Ego"... Yes, I'm going to hell.

But look, time's up. You do lose time when you do comedy. I suppose I'll have to go "In Search of Lost Time".

One last thing, I hope Alter Ego invites me again, you know I work at a bar. And yes, I'm very young to work at a bar, so what? Sure, everyone judges me, but does no one say anything to Phineas and Ferb for building a roller coaster in their backyard? The thing is, once while I was working, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Spaniard came into the bar. And I said to them, "Is this a joke?"

Thanks for listening, I hope you had a good time. As a future android once said, "Hasta la vista, baby."

"Her life is a comedy," Nagisa said.

"I think she is the comedy," Aoi said.

"Indeed, it is a comedy," Miyu said.

"Don't be like Kurumi-san, Miyu-san, there's no need to reference memes," Haruna said.