TLC stories/oneshots/quotes

These are all canon/j

HOLY SHUT TWO POSTS TODAY?!?!?! incorrect quotes, enjoy Lol

Ryan: I know you snuck out last night, Dean/scuba

Scott: play dumb!

Dean/Scuba: who's dean?

Scott: NOT THAT DUMB!?

The squad is trying to con some random guy
Ryan: Um,Scuba, why are you pretending I'm this guy's family?
Scuba: We need money!
Ryan: You're scamming him?
Scuba: I was thinking more like flat-out stealing from him?
Ryan: What?! No way!
Scuba: Why not? We already stole Scott!
Scott: Hey guys
Ryan: No, we didn't. Scott can think and talk for themself, they can do whatever they want!
Scott: I wanna steal

Ryan: What's a word thats a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?
Scott: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-
Scuba: Smad.

Ryan: What's something you guys are better than Scott at?
Scuba: Mario Kart.
Ronan: Yeah, video games.
Jack: Emotional vulnerability.

Ryan: Is having a penis fun?
Scott: It has its ups and downs.
Scuba: Sometimes it's a little hard.
Ronan: It's a pain in the ass.
Jack: Oh, Jesus, fuck, guys, come on.

Ryan: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything?
Scott: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies
Jack: Socks are Feetie Heaties
Ronan: Forks are Stabby Grabbies
Scott: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties
Jack: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies
Ronan: Stamps are Lickie Stickies
Scuba, annoyed: You are disappointments

Ryan, trying to convince Jack to join the group: You know... I thought it'd be good to have someone come along who's really... strong!
Scott: And loud!
Scuba: And grumpy!
Ronan: And oblivious to reality!
Jack:

Ryan: Bridge the generation gap by combining old and new slang into one!
Scott: Tubular AF!
Scuba: Mood to the max!
Ronan, annoyed: Groovy, I hate it.
Jack, just as annoyed: If she breathes, she's a square.

Ryan, walking into their house: Hello, people who do not live here.
Scott: Hey.
Scuba: Hi.
Kelly: Hello.
Sharky: Hey!
Ryan: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!
Ronan: We were out of Doritos.

Ryan: We need to distract these guys
Scott: Leave it to me
Scott: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.
Scuba, Kelly, and Sharky: *Immediately begin arguing*
Ronan, watching in horror: Oh this. I don't like this. I don't like this at all.

Ryan: Dumbest scar stories, go!
Scott: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.
Scuba: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it.
Kelly: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade.
Sharky: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn.
Ronan:
Ronan: I have emotional scars.

Ryan: Croissants: dropped
Scott: Road: works ahead
Scuba: BBQ sauce: on my titties
Kelly: Shavacado: fre
Sharky: Miss Keisha: fuckin dead
Ronan:
Ronan, grumpy: I didn't understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.

Ryan: Everytime I hear someone talking about updog, I'm torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete their joke.
Scott: Okay, but what is updog?
Scuba: Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.
Kelly: Not, that's a hot dog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.
Sharky: No, that's an update. You're thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.
Ronan: Surely, that's Uppsala, where's updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.
Ryan: That's Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventionally used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proofs.
Kelly: You're thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.
Scuba: No, that's an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.
Scott: What's a henway??
Ryan: Oh, about five pounds.

Ryan: Just be yourself.
Scott: 'Be myself'? Ryan, I have one day to win Scuba over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?
Kelly: Couple weeks.
Sharky: Six months.
Ronan: Jury's still out.
Scott: See, Ryan?
Scott: 'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that?

*Squad reactions to being told 'I love you'*
Ryan: Thanks fam!
Scott: oh no
Scuba: *cries* I love you too
Kelly: Sounds fake but okay
Sharky: *A flustered mess*
Ronan: can i get a refund

Ryan: *Posts a super low-quality image to the group chat*
Scott: If I had a dollar for every pixel in this image, I'd have 15 cents
Ryan: If I had a dollar for every ounce of rage I felt in my body after I read this text, I would have enough money to buy a cannon to fire at you
Scuba: Actually I did the math, Scott would have $225, not $0.15.
Scott: Fam I'm right here....
Kelly: If I had a dollar I would buy a can of soda :)
Ryan: while you're there could you buy me an apply juice please?
Kelly: Sorry I only have a dollar
Ryan: :(
Scuba: Hey I just realized my friend is right, Scott would have $22,500 because it's a dollar for every pixel, not a cent
Kelly: If I had $22,500 I would buy a can of soda and an apply juice
Scuba: You can buy anything you want with $22,500
Sharky: Yeah and they want soda and apply juice
Scuba: Apply juice to what
Ronan: Directly to the forehead
Scott: Great chat everyone

Ryan: Scott... How do I begin to explain Scott?
Scuba: Scott is flawless.
Kelly: I hear their hair's insured for $10,000.
Sharky: I hear they do car commercials... in Japan.
Ronan: One time they punched me in the face... it was awesome.

Ryan: I CAN'T DO IT!
Scott, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!
Ryan: I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE
Scuba: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.
Ryan:
Ryan: I appreciate it,
Ryan: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-
Kelly: Ryan-
Ryan: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!
Sharky: Ryan we gotta-
Ryan: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.
Ryan: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'
Ryan, motioning to Ronan: NOT FUCKING THIS

*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker*
Ryan: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.
Everyone:
Scott: ...I did. I broke it.
Ryan: No. No you didn't. Scuba?
Scuba: Don't look at me. Look at Kelly.
Kelly: What?! I didn't break it.
Scuba: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Kelly: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Scuba: Suspicious.
Kelly: No, it's not!
Sharky: If it matters, probably not, but Ronan was the last one to use it.
Ronan: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Sharky: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Ronan: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Sharky!
Scott: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Ryan.
Ryan: No! Who broke it!?
Everyone:
Sharky: Ryan... Scuba's been awfully quiet.
Scuba: rEALLY?!
*Everyone starts arguing*
Ryan, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.
Ryan: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
Ryan:
Ryan: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

*The squad right before Ryan's wedding*
Scott: Well I have to go, I have a wedding to attend.
Scuba: Wait... Oh! I have a wedding to attend too!
Kelly: Oh, I have a wedding to attend as well
Sharky: I THINK WE ALL HAVE WEDDINGS TO ATTEND
Ronan, panicked: I THINK I HAVE A WEDDING TO OFFICIATE

*The squad is over at Ryan's house*
Scott: Ohhhh, we each get our own oven?
Ryan: ... N-No...
Ryan, laughing: How many ovens do you think I have???
Scott, motioning to their kitchen: Three, I thought!
Scuba: I see a-
Ryan, motioning to one device: This is a microwave.
Scott: Oh, well I-
Ryan: Hey wait wait, actually- hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*
Ryan, amazed: Its got a bake setting!
Kelly: Ohoho, you learn something new every day!
Sharky: Do we- Do we roshambo for who gets to pick first?
Ryan: Now I've just discovered I have more ovens than I thought, we don't have to roshambo nothin!
Ryan: I am someone who owns four ovens...
Ryan, louder and way too happy: I am someone... who owns FOUR OVENS...
Ryan: I didn't know I was so rich with ovens...
Ronan, pointing to another appliance: Also the toaster oven!
Ryan:
Scott: Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- Five ovens!
Ryan:
Ryan, fucking ECSTATIC: I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS FIVE OVENS

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