February
2 years ago
Life moved slow, like a bicycle that lost its second wheel. Chan felt like his life currently reflected that imagery.
A barely functioning bicycle, with a rusty chain and a barely functioning break. He felt like he'd lost all self-control and will and wit. It seemed that they all went along with Renée. All those traits dancing the tango teasingly alongside her. Their happy laughter resembled mocking sounds.
He had countless abstract dreams like that.
Or ones where he rides a bicycle with only one wheel, and he never makes it to where he wants to go. He often wakes up in a cold sweat, chest constricted and throat dry, like he was about to die in his dream. Then maybe he'd burst into tears.
He found himself doing that every so often. Finding time to cry before the morning alarm rang; during his shower; before bed– that is, if he decided he needed any sleep at all.
He felt completely lost without Renée. He didn't realize just how dependent he'd been on her until she left.
The Valentine's season had passed, and he was grateful for the ending of a holiday that served to only put a heavier damper on his mood. It was another holiday that mocked him, reminding him of better times.
Renée was always such a romantic, a sucker for all things love and romance. To honor the holiday, she never failed to wear a pink and white set. A quirk she picked up from elementary school that she'd never let die. It gave her an excuse to show off her fashion sense and her ability to work such bold colors in effortless styling.
And as the romantic she was, she never failed to offer a cute little gesture. Last year, she offered a pink frosted cupcake along with a kiss on Chan's cheeks.
“This would have been breakfast in bed if I wasn't throwing my head out trying to memorize the plot of silence of the lambs last night. But I promise, I'll make it up to you tonight.” Her cheeks pushing out as she gave a rosy smile before running off to her morning lecture.
He didn't realize it then, but he was living his best life compared to this one where he had cold waffles for breakfast during his morning commute. No pink and white cupcakes or outfits in sight to commemorate the occasion.
Then they'd make slow sweet love on Chan's sheets because that was practically demanded of the holiday. Renée's plush lips would be stained with dark chocolate and wine, and he'd feel her needy whines resonate from the depths of his stomach. Which would be clenching in a warm heat in response to her body.
Now the smell of her had completely disappeared from his sheets. None of the ridiculously expensive hair treatment she insisted she needed, or perfume or the passion they shared remained. Now the sheets were colder and smelt like loneliness. Again mocking.
Jessica added fuel to the fire with her constant chirps and questions.
“I miss double dates. Say, how about we have one over zoom call? That'll be interesting, huh?”
“With her schedules and the timezone difference. I doubt that would fly, Jess.”
“Aww, worth a shot, though. I can't imagine being apart for so long, no one should be alone, on Valentine's Day no less.” Jessica shook his head, and Felix clicked his teeth at her with playful spite.
Chan wondered when Renée would finally fess up and tell Jessica the truth. That they were excited over, it was a done deal. It filled him with so much anxiety to keep the lie around to essentially the whole group.
The lie Renée had chosen to prolong was both a hope he held on to and a spear to the heart.
Was she struggling to come to terms with the end of their relationship as well? Keeping the lie because she was holding on to that last thread. The wedding was long over, after all. Telling everyone the truth would do not much damage now.
Or was the breakup too meagre of an issue to even address? Renée had long gone with her career that she didn't need to finalize her goodbyes. That'd she'd never come back. Not as Chan's girlfriend. Not as Chan's friend. Not even as their friend.
Chan recoiled. This lie was driving him mad. And Jessica's rants. He knew she noticed something off in his energy but was none the wiser, assuming that the distance was putting a damper on his mood. Luckily, Dustin was all the wiser, pulled him aside one of the days and asked with the upmost kindness.
“Are you alright?”
Chan felt seen. Exposed, by none other than Dustin, who had the emotional intelligence of a saint.
“So-so.”
“So-so? Is it about Renée?”
Chan let out an ironic laugh. “Yes, it's about Renée. I miss her.” That wasn't a lie.
Dustin let out a sound as if he knew it all along. “Ahh. Long distance, huh? Is the communication a battle?”
“I guess so.”
“I'm no expert on long-distance relationships. Hey, Lord knows I've tried and failed. But all I can say is to hang in there. The years you've known each other should have laid out a solid foundation for the relationship. So hold on to that.”
“I'm scared that this is the end.” He confessed. “Maybe the foundation we had was always a little shaky from the start.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know Renée. She doesn't mind being on her own, being away from me. She told me from the start that I can't give want she wants…" He voice faltered a bit. He paused, stuffed his hands into his hoodie. “What if it's finally time to let go?”
“Do you want to let her go?”
“No, I want her. But what if she that's what she wants?”
“I don't see why you think about the possible negative possibilities. All I know is that you're two very different people. I think acknowledging that is important. But differences in a relationship aren't always a sign or a plan. Maybe it's a sign to sit down and work a way around it. Find what's best for you both.”
“I'm not sure if she's willing to sacrifice some parts of herself for me. As I'm willing.”
“Did she say so?”
“No… She didn't but…"
“You assumed?”
“I didn't assume. That's a very black-and-white way of putting it. It was implied, and I'm just playing along with the options I've been given.”
“This sounds like an issue of communication. You have to sit down, call her up. Have a long discussion and talk it over. Tell her about your fears and worries. In a relationship, making your own conclusions is always a bad idea. Unless you are unsure, do you want to end things with her?”
Things are already over.
“I want her regardless. Regardless of whether I get my ideal future or not. That's selfish of me, but it is how I feel.”
“Then there goes your answer.”
Chan laughed. The advice came a bit too late. “I don't think it's that simple.” He gave anyway.
“Are you doubting my advice? I'm a married man for crying out loud.” His expression was smug.
“You won't stop bringing that up, will you?”
“I am married, after all, aren't I?” He teased.
If he knew, maybe he'd have held on to her harder, begged her to stay. Change his ideals for her. But it's too late. He went with the latter and took the opposite. He let himself go and immersed himself into work.
YOU ARE READING
Mistake || Bangchan
Random[ON HOLD] Christopher and Renée were always seen as the ultimate power couple, and were bound to ride off into the sunset... That was until they broke up. Now, they have been rebranded as bestfriends. Renée is now known to Christopher as his pal, h...
