Stalked psychosis: memories from the same dream

memory 7

     Just trying to listen to music was a battle, every time a new song played in the playlist, there was a chance of it being thrown into the next mix. I didn't understand everything I was hearing, I was hearing it but I wasn't listening, I didn't know how. I thought everything was about me, everything. I would hear, 'Pretend like you didn't fuck all my friends', ' All my friends fucking hate you', along with names of the people I knew at the time of me working at the beach restaurant in song titles. I was more than confused because I had only ever done anything with the guy driving the jeep, which could have not happened, more than boring. But I'll digress. Still hadn't had sex with anyone, and He still knew that, letting me know He knew that by throwing songs up with the title virgin, first time. I couldn't escape it. 

     I went to the gynecologists' office, to get my birth control updated and she asked for a partner number like they always do, and I lied like we always do and said 'two', not to many, not zero. my phone was in the office with me. The appointment ended and I went home to workout, after about 20 minutes of boxing I took a break and scrolled on the newest video app, a joke/fun video came up with a trendy song of a girl saying she told her gyno she had two people she slept with, but the caption said she had zero. I pushed for it in my head to just be a weird coincidence, it had been months of us talking. 

     The restaurant job I had after the beach house was another seafood restaurant where I met this girl, Dayna and Kathleen, I had worked there for about a year and never got to close to Kathleen, but Dayna was my trainer and she was odd. I liked her, we could shit talk and we would always have a good reply or new story to follow. Kathleen was more preppy. nothing wrong with it, she was nice, I just had to use a different part of my personality to keep conversations going. Kathleen and I had done more hyper-feminine things like get out lips done with a vile and go our own ways after. It was surface level but she was nice. One day, the rich kid had come in, walked straight past me and straight to Kathleen. No new behavior. Giving me the information that they were friends. Later on once this started, I got songs with the name Kathleen, in the titles. It still wasn't real. Kathleen had invited me to the river in the town up with her friends, most the time if its not specified it's a co-ed group, with I had assumed it was. I never went because I had a job during the daytime. Even later on, more recently in the two year escapade, I got songs like River, Melbourne, Northside, frequently. Giving me geographical locations I didn't want to believe. I had eventually guessed He was the kid from the party, the message, and my first workplace, and the backseat of that ratty old jeep. I put Him with both groups of people, and red string to the North-East connection yet. I was trying to be smart in what I believed.

     I mentioned to my phone, just talking out loud, alone, in my room, or my car, or in private, about the lookalike at the pool that didn't make sense, the physical builds didn't match, the hair was different, and I never saw His eyes so I don't trust myself to believe anything. no one believed me, so I didn't want to believe Him. Songs like girl in red, girl face down in a pool, blood in the water, and my head spun when I thought about all the times He put Himself in front of me for nothing. Was He just trying to watch me? He never acted on impulse, or made a weird move, or even said anything to me...and He wouldn't give me any further explanation other than the bare minimum to understand 'who'.

 I couldn't count the number of times I'd get something along the lines of you know me, I know you, I see you, I would beg for more answers, just to scroll throw every playlist so I could see Him say something tangible. Always saying, "If I know who you are, you could unblock me and message me, or text me...". Just to be out of playlists to read, no answers, and just going to sleep and waking up disappointed with no messages on my phone. but 'I knew you'.