squishy's author log

Reminiscent

 I'm stuck in these memories of us. I can't move on from the past no matter how hard I try. These memories of us are hard to accept that they are just that- memories. They can never come to fruition again. Though these memories have brought me happiness in the past, looking back only brings me pain now. Looking back at these memories only brings tears to my eyes.

I clung to those memories so desperately, longing to feel the happiness those memories gave me. You gave me promises and sweet words. I latched onto those sweet words to have some semblance of the consistency and relationship I had with Kenny. Since you encouraged me to step away from the relationship I had with him, I wanted you to replace his place in our friendship.

You gave me hope only to crush that hope to smithereens barely three months later. I grasped onto that hand you held out to me so strongly; I never wanted to let go. Your hand was like a flashlight in the midst of a dark cave, shining hope in dark times. You gave me cherished memories. These times I dearly missed them because they became part of my routine. Wake up, eat, go to school, do my homework, call you or the archons group chat, shower, eat, call again, sleep, and repeat. That was my routine for a few months.

Though I look upon these memories with fond eyes, I am not foolish enough to believe they can all be recreated once again. Too much has changed between us. Your mindset and feelings for me have changed as well. The Javier I adore wouldn't have blocked me for his goal of being an academic weapon. This change is killing me.

I wish we could go back. I wish we could turn back time. Turn back time to those treasured memories of mine. Those times in which we could talk for hours at a time. Before, i didn't need to desperately pine for you with no hope of you reciprocating my feelings. Back then, I didn't shed tears for you so often. Everyday used to be sunshine and rainbows with you. You were my favorite person above everyone else. I looked forward to spending time with more than anyone. You could never fail to leave a smile on my face. I was just happy to be with you with no words said between us.

I miss when we were wholeheartedly lovers. I miss when you thought you could be my lover. My heart misses you when you still loved me. It missed you when you weren't over me. This heart of mine wants to have even a mere semblance of the past. This heart of mine aches to have even a sliver of the past happen again. It yearns for you to tell me that you love me again. Desperately, I miss when I was always happy with you, rather than usually angry and bitter at you.