Empress of Self-Ruin

Chapter 33: Misery Loves Company

Thirty minutes later, completely cleaned up and healed, I found myself eating and drinking with Priestess Maria at the terrace cafe. It was located in the inn's courtyard, beautifully illuminated by multiple lamps and serenaded in the black of night.

Café Terrace at Night, was it? That painting by Van Gogh.

Except this area was not a street, but a backyard, and it was one of the inn's busiest spots this time of day. There wasn't much wind that night, and so, despite the cold weather, there were a handful of men and women enjoying a romantic night out or just spending their weekend with friends. Because of that, I purposely chose a secluded spot at the corner, near the railing, overlooking the river. Far enough away that I could tune the noise out. It was pretty nice; the cold, fresh air and the white noise of the other people.

The priestess ordered a cup of chamomile tea, and I ordered the strongest bottle of alcohol in the house for myself. I doubted it would have much effect on me, but I needed a distraction. The burning sensation in my throat every time I took a sip of the damn thing seemed to be able to do the job.

Thankfully, Priestess Maria didn't comment on my choice of drink, and for once, she was sensible enough to notice that I wasn't in the mood for more idle chat and just kept to herself.

Still, I was grateful for the company. It helped me pretend that all was well—that I wasn't completely alone—that two men didn't just kidnap and plan on selling me, and that I hadn't just murdered them and left their corpses inside a hut—or that I wasn't living in a bizarre world that was connected to another novel.

Hah... There's a lot to take in. I'm not sure if my brain can process everything.

The pudding I had ordered had a cherry on it. Not my favorite. And I wasn't actually hungry. After witnessing such a gruesome sight, I doubted I would feel hungry anytime soon, but I forced myself through it regardless. They say that eating was important for maintaining one's mental health.

I was lost in my own thoughts, moving the pudding around the plate with a spoon. Then suddenly I heard that voice in my head.

How does it feel?

How does it feel? Taking the life out of someone with your own hands?

It sounded too much like Hanbyeol's voice.

After all, it would be a very shocking experience for Park Hanbyeol who had never even killed an animal in her life.

I mean, how many women in Korea would shoot a wild boar if you handed them a gun?

Most of them would be intimidated by the fact that they would have to kill a living being—even if you told them the wild boar hurt farmers' homes and caused casualties.

But what I did earlier...

I had slaughtered a man and hadn't even given him a quick death. I let him bleed out, and yes, I had been completely aware of it.

The first stab had not been voluntary—I had only tried to hurt him. It was self-defense.

But the second stab was intentional, and I was surprised that even now I still didn't feel bad about it.

And from the third one, I had stopped feeling anything and just let my instincts take over.

For a moment, I hadn't even felt human anymore.

It was like something else had grabbed control over me.

Anger...

Anger had overcome me and I didn't care anymore. I was just defending myself against someone who was trying to harm me.