Back and Forth (A Castle Fanfiction)

Defining Family

The next morning, when Kate woke to an empty bed some time around four in the morning, she debated for a half second whether to get up or deal with it later. It only took a half of a second for her to realize that, if Rick was up, it could only mean one thing. She then rose and started toward the front room where she knew she would find her writer and his daughter on the couch reading a child's book as he tried to sooth the girl back to sleep. She didn't think Alexis would be asleep by the time she got out there, however, and she definitely didn't think Rick would be too. At this sight, a smile dawned on her lips.

After she saw this, she slowly strolled up before the writer, one hand on her stomach, the other on his shoulder as she lightly whispered, "Rick." He remained unaffected. "Rick," she said slightly louder. Nothing. She then leaned in, whispering, "The baby's coming."

He instantly shot up, "What?"

"Nothing," Kate said, "You just fell asleep."

"What- what time is it," he questioned.

"Late. Why don't you let me take Alexis to bed while you go back to the room."

"No, no. I got it. You just take care of this one," Rick replied, placing his hand on her stomach, arching himself upward to kiss her softly.

Kate then gently smiled before the two heard Alexis coo softly, "Daddy? Mommy?" Their eyes both instantly reverted to her.

Rick was the first to correct, "It's Kate, sweetheart. Mommy's not here."

"But- you said Kate was my new mommy."

Instantly, Kate's shocked stare went to her writer. "No, Alexis, I asked you if you would be okay with that someday." The tired girl then just nodded and said okay, half asleep by the time she asked her father to take her to bed.

When Rick got downstairs, his once fatigued girlfriend was now wide awake, sitting on the chair, waiting for him in her newly woven web of wrath. Before he was even within her sight, knowing he was on the steps within hearing range, she told him, "So, you talked to Alexis about our future before you talked to me, huh?"

"Kate, that's- I just- I just wanted to know what she thought of you. That's all."

"That's all," Kate questioned, finally turning her head toward him. "I'm not an idiot, Rick. If you wanted to know what she thought of me, all you would need to do is watch her run into my arms every day when I get back from work. I don't care if you want to think about a future, I don't mind that you're planning for something more permanent than our current situation, I just- if you're going to talk about all of that, I should be the person you talk to about it, not Alexis, and not anyone else. Especially not Alexis, because the last thing I need is your ex-wife freaking out because her daughter is calling me mommy when we aren't even married."

"I didn't think she was going to do that," the writer explained.

"Did you even think at all before asking Alexis about us?"

He sighed, "Yes, Kate. All I've been doing is thinking. And despite what you seem to think, I did nothing wrong here."

"You did nothing wrong?"

"No, I didn't."

"You basically promised your daughter I would be in her life full time for the rest of my life."

"And? Is that such a horrible thing?"

"Yes!" With this, she managed to silence them both. She managed to shock the writer entirely. She managed to completely infuriate him as well and completely silence him. This wasn't her intention, but she didn't know how to calm this down or fix the problem she had created. In thinking about the young girl upstairs, however, the girl who was trying to sleep, Kate breathed and said more rationally, "Yes, Rick. I'm-... I'm not... capable of making that promise, and neither are you. I can't promise anything to that little girl, and I'm not ready to be-... her mother. I'm not- I'm not ready."

The writer sighed. "Kate, in he her eyes, you've been her mother for over a month now."

With closed eyes, trying to fight back the pain that idea caused her, Kate told the writer, "I know. But- I don't think I'm ready to be."

Seeing her in the state she was brought a smile to his face, one filled with experience, one filled with the memories of the thoughts going through Kate's head. He then asked, "Do you really think I was ready to be her father when she was born? Do you think any parent was ready to be a parent when their kids were born?"

"This is different, Rick."

"Yeah, you're right. The rest of us had to be parents the moment those newborns were in our arms. You didn't have to be Alexis' mother. You didn't have to care about her or take care of her at all. You didn't have to talk to her daily, make breakfast with her, take her to the park, read books to her or anything like that. You didn't have to love her, Kate, but you do, and she loves you too. This is different. You didn't have to do any of this, but you did. You did because you knew you were ready to step up and care for the girl whose mother abandoned her. You knew you were ready to give her everything she needed. You knew you were ready to be her mother."

He then paused for a second to see that she knew he was right by the simple expression on her face which to anyone else would seem absolutely blank. He then continued, "I know it doesn't seem like it, Kate, but you became Alexis' mother the first morning you made breakfast with her. To her, you are her mother, and to me, you've already been better to her than Meredith ever was. But if you disagree, if you really aren't ready for that, then I swear to you, I will never bring any of this up again until you tell me you're ready for it. I will set all of this straight with my daughter and none of this will ever happen again. You just have to look me in the eyes and honestly tell me you aren't ready."

Just as the writer expected, Kate went dormant as she meditated on his words for a short moment. She just watched him as her mind spun, reeling with thoughts, swirling with 'what if's, 'but maybe's, and 'or's. She just watched the blue pools staring back at her as she tried hard to figure out what to do. she loved Alexis, but she didn't think she was ready to be anything to her more than what she already was. The question was, however, what was she?

Instead of telling her writer she wasn't ready, Kate chose another route. "I don't know if I can do this, Rick."

"You can," he told her, "You've been doing it for five weeks now without a single kink."

"No, I mean, I don't know if I can be... a part of a family again. I mean, I love you, and I love Alexis, and I know I'm ready to be her mother as much as I am ready to be Henry's mom, but- being a family again... that just feels like-... like I would be... horrible at it."

Rick looked into her golden eyes and watched her for a moment. she seemed petrified deep down beneath these stone layers she had built up. "Kate, I-... we are already a family. With or without a ring on your finger, with or without Alexis calling you 'mommy', we already are a family. This baby," he said, taking a set closer and putting his hand of her stomach, "he makes us a family. Love makes us a family. Paperwork doesn't. A title doesn't. Love does. And I'm not going to stop loving you if you don't want Alexis calling you her mom. I'm not going to stop loving you if you aren't ready to make anything official. I love you, and to me, that's all that matters. That's family, Kate, and that's why I would never ever do anything to intentionally hurt you. I love you."

Now, tears had formed a glassy film over the woman's eyes as she watched the writer's lips utter the exact words she needed most to hear. He somehow knew exactly what to say to her to burst that fear from the inside. He somehow held the key to everything she wanted desperately to keep hidden and locked away. He somehow managed to be everything she felt she didn't deserve. With flooding emotions pouring out onto the surface of her cheek in a single tear which Rick gently stroked away, Kate swallowed hard, doing her best to come off strong as she asked, "So, she really wanted me to be her mom?"

"More than you could possibly imagine," the writer replied, forcing a single chuckle to pass over Kate's quivering lip.

She then looked into his eyes, allowing him to see her soul as she told him, "This is just- the hormones are making me- I'm not..."

"I know," he said with a smile. "So, why don't we turn around and go back to bed, alright?" With a pleasant smile, relief in her chest, Kate nodded allowed him to guide them back to their bedroom in their home where she finally knew their family could live in a happily ever after day-dream for now until the second shoe dropped and beyond.