Close Association (Sebastian Moy v Regie Macalino)

Words and Actions

Hi guys. 

Firstly, so sorry for not updating yesterday, I had my essay submission deadline, basically like 3 essays to submit and it was hectic girl. However, I know how it feels when the chapter doesn't drop so I'll try make 2 chapters this week for y'all. 

Also I can't believe we are on the road to 1000. I am so grateful tbh, I have such wonderful and kindhearted readers, I adore you all. To the people who have been tirelessly motivating me and advertising this book on your socials, thanks so much, I have no words. Remember kindness goes a long way, especially to strangers.  All through last week we were at #8 for nsb, a whole week. You guys. I adore you.

Also watching the boys on tour is really giving me joy, let's send them good vibes. I've been streaming misery on repeat my YTM is done with me lol.

Love and light to y'all this week.

*******

He tried looking into his eyes, but found no comfort there. Although Darren was seating next to him, he'd done that thing where he usually shut his emotions. Which meant he'd really really fucked up this time.

gods. 

Had Justin not threatened him, he would not have come and he'd never have been privileged to hear the confession that Darren just made. Thinking about it filled his blood with strong emotions. To have his unrequited love requited after so so long healed something in his soul and he hoped desperately that he'd not lose it just as he'd acquired it. Why he'd fought with him, he couldn't even remember, wrong place wrong time maybe? He'd been so overwhelmed by his emotions from the whole camping debacle, then he'd been jarred by how being in close proximity with Darren made him feel calm. It had only served as a reminder that he was pining for something that could never be his. Frustrated with himself, he'd gone to get his things, and when his eyes landed on toasty, he thought he would return it to its owner and then maybe he'd gather his courage and they could solve their issues. Unfortunately before he could resolve all his emotions, Darren had caught him and he'd lashed out, self sabotaging once again.

gods.

He'd been a self righteous jerk, even he couldn't forgiven himself. Yet the part of him that now knew Darren loved him, wouldn't quit so easily. He'd always thought it cheesy when the characters on TV shows had this moment, but here he was being cheesy as fuck.

"Dar?" he called, and saw those dark eyes that usually looked at him with softness harden.

"What do you want Ryan?" there was none of the usual teasing softness there either.

It was all falling into place now, the way Darren was always extra sus with him, the way he'd always go to him when he needed comfort, how he always known to make his favorite meal when he was feeling low, and those eyes. He'd always received the soft gaze so he'd missed the meaning behind it When Darren spoke to him, it was in soft teasing tones, and sometimes pain but it had never been as indifferent as it was now. 

"Dar," he said reaching out to clasp their hands together, but Darren moved away and it hurt more than it should have.

Trying not to falter, he tried again.

"Dar, I'm sorry. I know I've really hurt you and not just physically. I know I'm a total mess and yes, you do deserve better, Lord knows you do, but I'm still selfishly asking you for a chance."

Darren looked at him in confusion, his nose scrunching in that little way and Ryan had to suppress his need to hold him that was threatening to overwhelm him. 

"What are you saying?" 

"I'm asking you to be my jam," he paused, thinking it was ironic that that's what came to his mind after hating it for months,  "date me."

Darren's breath hitched, he stumbled as if he'd forgotten he was seated, then stood and moved away from Ryan. 

"You...are you messing with me again?" he asked, Ryan could see a wide look in his eyes.

"No..."

"I've made peace ok, I know you won't ever love me. In fact I've made peace with being the object of your hate but Ryan if you think I'll let you mess with me."

gods, this was worse than he'd thought. "I promise I'm not..."

Darren chuckled, an ugly sarcastic chuckle that made the hairs on the back of Ryan's neck stand.

"So you want me to believe that you're asking me out because you just discovered you're feeling for me?"

"Yes...well not the discovered part because I've known for a while but, Darren, isn't it obvious?"

Darren stood still for a moment, his eyes wary, then he burst out laughing again. 

"I swear you almost had me, until you said it'd been a while." 

"Dar..." Ryan moved, he felt compelled to do something. By then Darren was seating on the floor, his head in his hands laughing but Ryan could hear little sobs.

"I swear it D, I've loved you for so long. I swear. Didn't you tell?" he added reaching out to lift Darren's eyes to his. He wanted to get through to him, he could tell he was losing him.

Darren looked at him, sighed and smiled sadly. "The only thing I can tell Ryan, is that you hate me, you hate me enough to regret our night together..."

"It wasn't you..." but Darren wasn't having it. 

"You hate me enough that my presence triggers your fight instinct. That's what I've known for years. Years. Despite that my feelings for you stubbornly refused to wane, even when I saw you brightening up with Regie, when you're cold gazes and your biting words were reserved only for me, I loved you. I dreamt and I still do if I'm being honest of the day you'll reciprocate my feelings. Of the day you'll look at me the way you look at Regie but Ryan , my feelings will not be toyed with, not even by you."

Ryan saw the resolve set in his eyes and he desperately tried to stop the inevitable.

"Don't you hear me D , I love you too, I love you sweetheart. Please listen to me, give me a chance."

He chuckled again, standing slowly. 

"I want to believe you Ryan, with all of me I do, but your words just don't match your feelings." 

He'd done this, he'd self-sabotaged so bad it had boomeranged to someone else and he was bearing the fruits of his labor. As he watched the love of his love walk out on him, he let the tears he'd been fighting freely flow.

*******

See you guys soon, this was a bit heavy to write but yeah, Darren deserves better.