You learn as a child what "no" means
Sometimes it's because of consequences
Or just because they said so.
No is heard even when one might not want to hear it
But is reminded it's not up to them.
No means no and that's final.
So why did you forget?
when you grabbed that condom off your night stand and slid it in your pockets along with many other dirty secrets?
Wile I was on the phone with you telling you how much my first time means to me,
Telling you tonight just wasn't the right night.
Told me you understood and just wanted to see me.
The word No has so much power until it doesn't.
Every time I repeated it the more you took from it.
I told you I wasn't ready,
But you already took the wrapper off.
Asked me if I were going to be wasteful.
As if I asked for this?
I even sat there explaining why I didn't want to, trying to bargain my no.
I shouldn't of even had to cry out my whys
"No, because I fucking said so. "
But Your complaining suddenly became more important over my rights.
So It wasn't rape because I stopped saying no?
But It wasn't consensual because the word "yes" never left my mouth.
Told myself you didn't know any better because I laid there still.
As if after 18 years you didn't know the difference between being guilted into it and wanting it.
Gave you credit for stopping when my tears started.
But in reality me crying was probably just a turn off.
Because you knew how I felt going into it and you never even hesitated.
Took years for me to finally begin to stop blaming myself.
So mad with myself because I lost touch with what "no" really meant to me.
Like my "no" was invalid as soon as it slipped off my tongue.
Lost all meaning after moments wile being in bed.
As if it had an expiration date.
I blamed me because I gave In to your guilt.
Felt so dirty and gross for laying down to you.
As if I were some easy slut that wanted it.
You don't see the nights were I lay in showers still trying to get the dirt of your touch off of me.
You weren't there when I lost all emotions when it involved anything sexual.
Turned me into this person who gave herself up for a inch of attention.
No means no and I swear to god all of my no's meant it.
So why did I forget it?
When you crawled out of my bed like the snake that you are
Why did I forget the importance of my no.
You even had me fooled.
As a woman we are taught to be strong
Because you men are weak.
Weak minded and short fused.
I will always remember in vivid detail my first time,
And how everything was opposite from what I wanted.
You continued because I never screamed it.
Having to remind myself that no doesn't lose its meaning by volume.
You've taken so much from me,
But you no longer get to have the satisfaction of being a clean label.
I am no longer the monster
You are.
Because you knew what no meant, and you still carried on anyway.
