Kiss Your Crϋe Goodbye (A Kiss & Mӧtley tale)

Chapter 5- See what Happened Was....( Diary Entry)

-Welcome to my Diary (An entry)-

I was rescued.... rescued, from being raped.... very, very nearly was. I was drunk....so fucking drunk and that only made things worse. I lied to myself in a way, I lie to myself every day.... every painful moment of my existence. ANYONE who's ever been close to me or gotten close, gets hurt....and I get hurt more....

Anyway, I woke up sometime after my attack.... the last thing I vaguely recall.... was that scent of leather, lemon and vodka, a feeling of strangely feeling safe and the numbers '1313' tattooed on my rescuers hand. I woke up, no fucking clue where I was....and felt sheer fear....screaming, screaming really that Gene and Paul, 'THEY' were going to get me, its only a matter of time....only a matter of time. It took so long, to be somewhat aware.... a while actually and imagine when at last I became aware enough, I learned my rescuer of all people was Mick Mars, the man they refer to as the 'alien', 'emotionless', the resident guitarist of the world's most notorious band: Mӧtley Crϋe. I didn't understand why he was there.....at the bar apparently, and he'd been coming to see me during my hospital stay. Apparently, I was out for 2 weeks, was physically restrained due to my night terrors/nightmares...so I wouldn't hurt myself, I WANT to.... i deserve this....

But Mick? I don't know what to make of him. I do know he's NOTHING like what I thought or is he? I didn't deserve him being so kind, him saving me from that guy.... if gene and Paul find out, there is no telling what they'd do to Mick. Mick tried, TRIED to tell me he wanted to do something right, NO that he wouldn't hurt me, that I didn't deserve my trauma, that nothing was my fault, that he UNDERSTOOD, that too I didn't trust him. He really didn't seem to take it personally, and now...I know I dreamed about him, I dream about him still. It won't stop.... he didn't hurt me, he said he never would.... i don't know why he makes me feel safe.... I am scared, still running. He came by, he kept coming by after my awakening...Mick did, I had terrors, panic attacks, had my wrists restrained, and he tried to talk to me, he took my mind for the briefest of moments off things, for a second in time.....and then I have once again, run away....days have passed since I last saw the hospital or my rescuer. I don't trust the kindness, I don't trust HIM...I trust no one, because....as I told Mick the rug always, always FUCKING IS PULLED OUT FROM UNDERNEATH ME. I have no doubt, somehow Gene and Paul are keeping tabs on me...where I go and what I do.

I've changed hotels, a room in the back.... a dark corner, in the shadows where no one can hear my screams....i have my drumsticks, I practice....i find my ways, I have managed to sneak out to a music store near the strip and play drums. I hear whispers, I hear rumors...every sight and every noise....and the tears they roll, I am crying now.... the rain is falling....and I am sure my handwriting is unreadable...ink smeared, its thundering right now....i am scared, hoping by writing that will distract me, it's the middle of the night....i think. I assume it is.... i don't see daylight, then again...what do I know?

Unbidden now....my thoughts are coming back around to Mick Mars; I think he'd said something about my brother's death NOT being my fault. When it sure the hell is...I wasn't there, I didn't try hard enough to save him, hell I can't save myself now. My brother though John, was severely depressed.... drugs and other health issues being the cause physically.... but growing up we'd been close. He was still my best friend but then came Paul Stanley.... then Kiss....and Gene and slowly...or faster than I realized, I was cut off from everyone and everything...from the only person that has ever loved me. Paul told me it was MY fault.... but then, the band.... always the band, I wasn't FOX, I was worthless, they always found something....to give me to do, a way to manipulate, HURT me...LIE. still, my brother died alone....my fucking fault.

I know I am all over the fucking place.... it's not like anyone will ever read this, I HOPE. Or I am gone when they do....i can feel it, swollen eyes.... tears, and still so very tired. All I know now, is hiding, running....and I can't out run Kiss, my past...my pain or the fact despite how it happened or who was the father....the fact, I lost my baby....i killed my baby, I made Paul mad....and I miscarried, I think he slapped me....but the yelling...the words....i can't talk of it anymore....

I trust Fox, the only one I can trust.... or...maybe I don't? I mean, he IS my friend, but I have worried about him, so I know, he'd tried to warn me after all what feels like a lifetime ago. I miss having a friend, a place to belong.... like a band, I've never really belonged in one I feel. I mean sure, I worked with Alice Cooper, Sabbath, Lita Ford....then I guess I felt wanted or at least or something like that, talented...worth SOMETHING. Then I met Paul Stanley, and it all started to go to hell.

The nightmares haven't stopped, I've tried.... I've TRIED to not sleep....to make them stop, they won't and then on the heels of THAT. Are the dreams of my rescuer, one Mick Mars. Always him.... patient, kind.... gentle, firm.... LISTENING to me.... kissing me, holding me....us happy, me pregnant with his child....me hiding the truth of my pregnancy from him or so I think, Mick seems to KNOW shit, he DOES. I dream too of him getting hurt because of me....and then those feelings of being safe, being wanted...fought for.

There is a dream above all others of Mick, that REALLY has me bawling now. In the dream, I am watching myself... (Weird), anyway I see he and I....my stomach enormous, my seeming to be sleeping....and I note I spy a metal band on his finger and a matching one on mine.... Mick seems to be rubbing my belly, keeping our.... daughter calm, talking to her....and to me....

"I can feel you move princess, my little sapphire. I never.... thought I would feel this, to feel you move inside your mother, to feel LOVED...to want to love. And now here we are. You are just like your mother.... always moving, energetic.... kind, funny...smart.... PERFECT in every way. And it took him so long to believe this and I would have waited for a lifetime more than I must be HERE in this moment. You almost here...true there are still storms.... but your mother, he's changed my world...my life....so much more than he truly realizes. I never have been married before, have ever wanted to be until I found him, and I was determined to be there for him, to listen.... because I wanted to.... he is worth everything...so are you princess, never forget that. It's not that long ago, that he ran.... with you, because of THEM...those that still hurt him...but I protect you both with every fiber of my being.... the storm princess will pass. If it wasn't for your mother.... I....wouldn't be here, the band.... wouldn't be here. My meeting him, the dear one that is your mother has also led....to Your Aunt Nikki finding love.... your mother having a family.... sleep now sweet girl, and no... you never have to hide...run, I will always love and protect you...you and your mother.... which is why I want you to be named Erica for my love."

I can now barely see the paper.... from...what I just wrote.... i must go.... can't breathe....

-So ends this entry-

Yeah, so after I wrote that entry, I fucking had a panic attack and passed out for I don't know how long.... hours...days, time didn't have any meaning then after all. That dream by the way. It did come true.... I never thought it would at one point and it's hard to believe I ever thought that. And I would come one day to find out, that.... Mick while I ran from the hospital, that HE Ran into Fox aka Eric Carr and that led to Mick finding me and rescuing me yet again....in a different way. Things weren't easy and they would not be for some time to come...but again, I didn't see things or want to.... that I had feelings for Mick....that I would...fall for him, fall for MY alien.

A/N: A Diary entry.... sorry if you do happen to need tissues. Things are being set in motion for things to come, with Eric Carr making more than just a cameo.... for the Fox to find his mate in one Nikki Sixx, a life changing destiny coming for Eric...for the drama and more trauma and love.... lots of things are in store. Stay tuned!