North Star

35 | existential crisis

2011

How did a child wrap their head around having to help their sick father with using the toilet because he was too weak to go by himself and there was no one else at home to help him? I had no idea and I could have gone my entire life without that knowledge.

After helping him back into bed and asking if he needed anything else, I slipped out of the room and into the kitchen, which was about the furthest away I could get without up and leaving the house entirely. The edge of the counter became burned into my palm as I clutched in, trying not to fall to my knees. I couldn't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. It was exhausting being in this house, but it wasn't like I had anywhere else to go. School was just as exhausting too, so even getting away for eight hours five days a week didn't help either.

As soon as Kanani returned home from class, I booked it out of there as fast as my feet could carry me. Running had become as necessary as breathing once I realized how much it helped to plunge the rest of the world into silence. But besides that, fresh air was good for the soul and I hadn't been getting enough of it lately otherwise.

My path eventually took me down the main road, and I stopped at 7-Eleven to grab something to eat before I headed back home. Our family had survived the past week almost exclusively off of Chinese takeout and, as delicious as it was, I needed something else in my system. 7-Eleven food wasn't the pinnacle of culinary excellence by any means, but it would do for now.

Someone called my name as I was looking through the musubi case with a melting Slurpee in my hands.

Spinning around to find Aiko walking down the aisle toward me was a surprise. The last time I saw her was her last day of school a few days before the Class of 2010's graduation, which felt like a lifetime ago, even though it had only been about a year and a half. Since I had caught a stomach bug the day before, I couldn't make it to the actual ceremony, which always felt like such a shame because Aiko was one of the few fellow students who paid attention to me and liked me for me, not because I was someone else's sister.

"Hi!" Aiko enveloped me in a crushing hug. It was the first time I had been touched in weeks. "I was hoping to run into you."

"What are you doing out here?" I asked, pulling away. As far as I knew, she had gone to the continental US for school and most of her family lived in Kuliouou.

"Oh, I fly back to New York in a few days, but I went to Bellows with a few friends." She hooked her thumb over her shoulder at a small group picking drinks out of the back. Now that she mentioned it, I could see the swimsuit peeking out from under her tank top. "Can't tell you how much I missed seeing actual blue water. But hey, you look so good! How's school been?"

Instead of admitting the truth, I fingered the ends of my hair, which had gone curly and frizzy from sweat. Even though I was damn near drenched in it, it didn't seem to deter Aiko. "That's just the runner's high making me look like I still have color to my face."

She laughed. "Who knew people in Hawai'i had a winter shade?"

Glancing down at my arm, I noticed how pale I had gotten compared to the normal warm, light brown shade I typically sported year-round. It had been a while since I'd gone for a swim. Was losing all of my golden hue a result of the nearing winter season or because I didn't have a reason to step out into the sun anymore? That probably wasn't the answer she wanted.

"I don't want to keep you away from your friends," I said, slowly backing away.

Her hand shot out to keep me in place. "Oh, don't worry about them. Seriously, how have you been? I've been thinking about you."