under pressure || kavetham ||

one - acceptance?

"its not love, i swear! i guess it might be closer to despair."

summary ; alhaitham discovers how he feels about kaveh, while kaveh is being clumsy as always. all he is doing is look pretty and alhaitham panicks. feeling this peculiar emotion, he doesn't know how to react.
but of course, haitham is still in denial.
as they say, denial is a river in Egypt.

....

alhaithams point of view

the bright rays of sunshine shower across my face like droplets of snow, melting into my skin. the birds chirping a song dissolve into the morning light. such a wonderful way to wake up, right?

no. not at all. instead of the beautiful sound of the birds chirping, i hear my useless excuse for a roommate. okay— maybe useless is a bit absurd. how about.. irritable! yes, irritable was the word!

he was dropping plates and mugs, and for archons sake, i dont want to know what else he was doing. it was the same every morning. breaking something then apologizing quickly, and leaving but keeping his designs sprawled all over the floor.

he left a mess everywhere. i get it, hes clumsy as celestia, but ive never seen someone this clumsy!

my legs moved on their own, leading my to my closet. i put on my overly tight black shirt, added with some accessories. as the acting grand sage, i needed to be at the akademiya early. kaveh was ruining this record.

after putting on my clothes, i trudge to the kitchen. seeing a panicked kaveh and broken glass everywhere. blood was smeared on his foot and hand, but it was as if he didn't even know. all he was focused on was picking up the glass shards.

"kaveh, what the hell are you doing?"
i crossed my arms, looking him up and down. his white shirt was also stained with blood. he was such a mess.

"i- uhm— i dropped my plate but its fine! ill pick the shards up in no time so you'll have the kitchen floor spotless. thats what youve always wanted, havent you?" he smiled confidently, as if he was winning this by hurting himself even more. he was stepping on a glass shard. HIS FOOT WAS INSIDE OF THE SHARD AND HE HAD NO REACTION. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM??

"yes, but please. take those fucking shards out of your body. your shirt is also tainted with blood, what will the akademiya think of this behavior from our beloved architect? im sure they'll replace you, given the fact you can't even bring your plate to the coffee table." i spoke, recieving a scoff in reply. what? i was only speaking the truth.

"you dont own me. i'll do what i want and ill damn well keep these shards in me if i please!" he pulled them out quickly, an audible wince following from out his mouth.

"you should get that bandaged." i dont know why, but it hurt to see him hurt. it was as if i was the one expierencing the pain myself. is this what empathy feels like? if so, delete it from my emotional experience.

no, it wasnt empathy.. if it wasnt that, what could it be? ive read several books, yet none of them described a feeling like this. it felt as if my chest was closing up at the sight of seeing him hurt. kaveh was an unpredictable human being. youll never know if he actually felt the pain, or if he didnt. he was so difficult to read.

even so, he was also way too easy to read. the next thing i knew, he denied my request and walked out the door. what if his foot bled out? what if they thought kaveh had murdered someone because of the blood on him?

wait— why am i worried in the first place? hes going to be fine. he was a metal suitcase to smack people with, im sure he'll protect himself. RIGHT?..

by worrying, i was going to be late. and by being late, would ruin my reputation as the grand sage. if i ruin my reputation as the grand sage, the akademiya will put me down to scribe. and if im put down to a scribe, no one will respect me. if no one will respect me, my life is over. so i can't be late. i just cant.

i speed walk out of the house and catch up the blood-smeared kaveh. "don't blame me if they accuse you of murder." i mutter, earning a glare from the golden blonde.

"they would never, for your information." once he said that, it was as if all of the archons were on his side at once. his blonde hair mixed with the sunlight perfectly, leaving a bright gold and grey hue at the top of his head. his crimson red eyes had shone like never before. he was truly handcrafted by the gods of celestia themselves.

i mustve been staring for quite a while because the ethereal boy says "alhaitham, is there something on my face? youve been looking at it for so long we're 10 minutes late."

10.. 10 minutes.. 10 MINUTES LATE?! i knew it, i knew it. i would get us late and my life would be ruined. im such a wreck, why did i wake up like this? oh gosh..

whatever cyno told me the other day about feeling a bit more on edge when with kaveh meant i probably had feelings for him? yeah, i think he was right.

but, i cant love him. i have no sense of empathy and all i do is hurt him. it would be wrong.

what if, all of this is just a lie? i dont have feelings for kaveh, at least thats what i want to think.

i had never felt this way before, it was so odd. is this was cyno felt towards tighnari? im disgusted with myself. how could i love kaveh? the architect ive hated for many years. this mist be a sick joke.

its not love. it has to be something closer to sadness and anxiety. i dont want to know what i am feeling. i just don't want it to be love.