under pressure || kavetham ||

extra - whos the one in despair now?

"i dont wanna feel better, nobody is ever going to love me like that again."

cheries note - this episode is based off of the song "feel better" by Penelope scott

summary; alhaitham commits suicide, leaving kaveh in despair. how do people expect kaveh to just move on?

kavehs point of view

"but someone loved me, someone fucking loved me and i fucking loved them too!"

"kaveh, please--"

"goddammit, i was worth something! am i supposed to get over it? i loved him!"

"i know, i know."

"no you dont, tighnari. you've never lost someone who you loved. it is not something you get over so quickly!"

tighnari doesnt understand. not at all. every memory haitham and i had, every happy moment, sad moment, we went through it all together. my dear haitham, why have you left me?

--

4 days ago

finally, i can relax. all of those commisons coming in are much too stressful. i just want to see my haitham, safe and sound.

for once, i didn't forget my keys. upon opening the door, it was quiet. too quiet, even for alhaitham.

"hello?"

"helloooo??"

"haitham?"

"im home!"

".... haitham?"

how strange. i know hes not at the akademiya, so where is he?

his room, nope. my room, nope. kitchen, not even close. where did that rascal go? the bathroom doors open, so wherever could he be?

i pause mid-step. what was this? as i read the suspicious paper, my hands trembled and tears had fallen all over the now wet page.

"my dearest kaveh,

there mustn't be a single worry in your mind. i didn't deserve you. kaveh, you are perfect. i know that. still, i couldn't help but be greedy. i took you for myself. you were mine. keyword; were. forgive me for this sin i have commited.

it was not you, not at all. you, darling, were not the problem in question. i shouldn't be allowed to live, knowing that you are too perfect for me. you were mine, yet you will always be in my heart.

i will miss you dearly, kavi. do not grieve for me. i am yet one of the lowly peasants in your life. i thank the archons that we could be together the rest of my remaining life.

your warmth, the love you showed me, i will not forget it. i hope to see you in celestia when it is your time as well, kaveh.  do not join me so early. try your best to live your life as if i never had existed.

im proud of you. i am sorry for not keeping my promise. please find another partner to love who will truly love you. do not think of me when with them.

i will watch over you from above, remember that. i have left every last thing i had ever owned in my life where it is. you may use it and enter my room as you please.

i love you, kaveh.

-written with every part of me that can love you to my fullest ability,

your beloved haitham."

this couldnt be true. he didnt leave me, no. this has to be a sick joke. please, haitham. hug me from behind and kiss the top of my head whike whispering 'you fell for it.'

please tell me its april fools. he had loved me from every part of him that could. he even left me his stuff, i cant right now.

this house makes me sick. i have to go outside for some fresh air. he couldn't leave me. no, we had planned to spend time with eachother tonight. this is all a joke.

a very sick one at that. i storm out of my house, sliding against the front door while ugly crying, my face in my hands. he couldn't have left this world. he couldnt have.

that means there is no more trace of him living. he will never come back. he has gone to celestia. alhaitham will never see me again. i will never see alhaitham again. this is a feeling i had never wished to experience.

i just want someone to take all the pain away. no one is ever going to love me exactly like he did. no one is like alhaitham. he was incomparable. he was a great man, why did you take your life, haitham?

was there ever a time you thought about how i felt?! you're a selfish man, haitham. but that still doesnt change the fact i loved you, and i still do.

guess this makes it "i love you too."

cheries note - you had you dose of fluff, now there is angst. hahah. i think i did better writing this one than the others. THE ANGST JUST COMES TO ME HAHAHAHAHAHHS

no but fr i did so much better writinh this