• deep down the rabbit hole. ▓ suguru niragi centered

oasis. ; 17

trigger warning ; self harming behaviour

the way home, i felt like i was flying over the roofs. i felt the freedom of the wind, and once again, with all these horrible things in the borderlands, there was something that nothing in the real world could give— true freedom. running over rooftops, feeling the small raindrops on your face, looking up into the clouded sky... it was beautiful.

at a particularly high house i had trouble climbing up, the wind swept through my clothes, and i spread my arms. the strong wind tugged at me, trying to push me over, but i didn't let go. the ground was maybe twenty meters away. i threw my head back, feeling the rain on my face, and i screamed. for how long? i don't know. i only know how incredibly liberated i felt, lying on the roof, soaked by the rain. that was freedom.

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sadly, the feeling didn't last until i got home. i felt slain. for some time, i lay on my couch, coming down from my emotional high. my chest hurt from breathing. suddently, i heard wings fluttering, and before i could look up, i heard a familiar voice. „peanuts, silly!" my lips curled into a big smile. „kiyo, my girl." the parrot purred and rattled his beak. „you have peanuts for me, suguru?" i smiled. „of course." i went to the cupboard, getting the desired food for kiyo. „good job~" i laughed as i fed her some. at least she wouldn't leave. she would always come back to me. „give a kiss. mwuah. love you!", she mumbled. it made my heart skip a beat. even if it was a sentence she had just picked up, it was clear she meant it, the way she lovingly pecked my cheek said it all. „i love you most, kiyo."

i started cooking, feeling hungry after the long day. kiyo sat on the desk, singing some gibberish, that, with a big amount of imagination, could have been words. it was still cute. i put the food on two plates and put them on the table, before my eyes widened. damn it. i really forgot usagi wasn't here anymore. i clenched my fists. „FUCK!" i grabbed a glass and smashed it against the wall. the water dripped down the wall as i looked at the two plates. i cried out in anger. how could i let her go?! how could i ever think i could do this alone?!

i fell onto the chair, my head buried in my cold hands, breathing heavily, as my anger slowly subsided. kiyo, who had been startled by my outburst, now hopped onto the table and tilted her head, eyeing my curiously. i knew my outburst wouldn't solve anything, but i couldn't help the frustration and pain that bubbled up inside me. i missed usagi terribly, and the emptiness in the apartment was suffocating. „god, damn it.", i whispered. "wanna have a kiss?" „i'm sorry, kiyo, darling." i looked at the broken glass. already the second one became a victim of my violence. i sighed.
god, damn it.

i stood up to get a towel to clean up the mess i made. kneeling down, trying to pick up the shattered glass, i suddently felt a sharp pain in my finger. i jerked back, seeing a dark red blood drop escape it. a tingeling sensation rushed through my body. it hurt, but it also felt freeing. with trembling hands, i grabbed a broken piece of the glass, and held it to my wrist, to get more of that sensation. my eyes were blown wide as i watched the blood run down my wrist.

after a few cuts, kiyos cries made me snap out of my daze, and i realised what i just did. „oh no, nonono-" i ran into the bathroom and held my wrist under the tub, to wash away the blood and bandaged the burned and now, once again, scarred skin. then, i sank down the wall, hiding my face in my arms. instead of starting to keep my promises to yakumo, i just continued to break more. and more. he'd be so disappointed in me. i started sobbing. god damn it. i promised i would never do it again.

„fuck.", i whimpered. this was the least thing i needed now— falling back into old habits. „i'm sorry, yakumo! i'm sorry!!" i yelled, tears streaming down my face. i disappointed him, once again. „don't give up on me... please." i curled into myself on the bathroom floor. „i won't do it again. i promise."

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"say that you'll stay forever and a day, in the time of my life 'cause i need more time, yes, i need more time just to make things right."— don't go away by oasis

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i started planlessly cleaning my apartment, listening to oasis. it was usagis favourite band, she had told me. i could almost imagine her singing along to the songs. i sighed. oh, how i missed her. but, i knew, i needed to earn her company. i couldn't be around her like this. i couldn't put her in any more danger. if she found arisu and kuina again? hopefully. well, maybe not— maybe she just forgot about me as soon as she returned to them. maybe, to her, i'm really just a villain. maybe she played nice so that i would let her go... maybe, maybe, maybe. goddamn, i'm overthinking this again. she's genuine. „she's genuine.", i affirmed my thoughts, still not quite believing them.