• deep down the rabbit hole. ▓ suguru niragi centered

memories. ; 58

the evening went on, and they ate the hare. usagi had made something delicious. she, arisu and kuina started talking intensely, and sometimes, chishiya chimed in, but aguni was very quiet. 'hey, aguni.' niragi whispered and looked up to him. aguni drew his attention away from the fire. 'hm?' niragi sighed. 'what's going on? you're being very quiet.' aguni sighed. a bird flew over their heads, gaining niragis attention for a short amount of time. 'it's just – i was the one who did this to you. i made you a member of the militants...'

niragi sighed. 'it can't be undone now, can it? i'm not angry at you.' aguni sighed. 'you killed so many people because i told you to.' niragi chuckled and smiled in remorse. 'i wouldn't have killed them if i didn't want it.' aguni looked up, a bit angry. 'but i was the one who brought you to it!' niragi sighed. 'yeah. please, stop thinking about it.' 'so many people... dead...' he whispered, his hands supporting his head. niragi sighed and stood up to hug aguni from behind. 'i know it's hard. but this doesn't concern you.'

'I MADE YOU KILL!', aguni then yelled, making niragi take a step back in surprise. they now had gained the attention of the others without realising. 'but those lifes are my burden to carry. i did it, willingly!' aguni stood up. 'NO, YOU DIDN'T!' he exhaled slowly. 'i remember how mortified you looked after you killed your first person. it wasn't willingly! you were traumatised!' niragi chuckled. 'that wasn't the first person i killed.' 'killing during the games doesn't count.' aguni said. niragi shook his head. 'no. not even in borderland. i killed in the real world.' aguni furrowed his eyebrows. 'what?' 'it was my father.' he chuckled. 'i was seventeen.'

a silence lay over them, niragi looked to the ground, biting onto his tongue. 'he was an alcoholic. i can't count how often he hit me, or my sister. or my mother. he used to hit her and rape her and then leave to drink more alcohol or find some other bitch to fuck.' his hand clenched to a fist. 'he deserved to die. and his death is the only one i would never feel sorry for.' he chuckled. 'they say, like father, like son, no?' usagi was frozen in place at the reveal. 'y–you never told me that.' she whispered.

niragi laughed hysterically. 'from that moment, i knew i was doomed, and it wouldn't take long to my downfall. it did take longer than I expected.' he whispered, leaning strengthless against aguni. aguni bit his lips and laid his arm around niragi. 'the reason i didn't tell you about that, is because it's an ugly part of my life. it's the darkest chapter in my story in the real life.' usagi sighed. 'i understand.' 'but, how could you–' niragi cut arisu off: 'i don't want to talk about it.'

kuina changed the topic, and soon, they all were engaged into a light conversation. all, except niragi. he was frozen in place, his wide eyes focused on the fire. it's reflection danced in his fearful eyes.

usagi was the first one to notice it. 'suguru? are you okay?' but he didn't respond, too fixated on the flames. 'hey, buddy.' aguni tried it and touched his shoulders, making niragi jerk away violently in panic. his eyes met agunis – his look resembled the one of a hounded animal. it took a few moments before he started to recognise aguni and untensed. he jumped up, getting away from the fire.

memories flashed on front of his eyes, chishiya, and the fire. how it became hard to breathe as the flames engulfed him, cutting off his oxygen. the fire burning into his skin – he could feel the stinging scent of the fire as it ate itself through his clothes and the layers of his skin, how it stunk when his hair burned up. desperately, he tried to get air, breathing quickly, but it wasn't enough – it wasn't enough, no matter how much he tried to breathe in. then, he tumbled into someone's arms. 'shh, calm down. you're safe.' aguni.

niragi slowly relaxed, his airways getting more free with every breath. he felt something wet on his cheeks – tears. 'let go.' aguni said quietly and tried to loose the grip of niragis fingers, that he had jagged into his upper arms. niragi was sweating heavily as he broke down in agunis arms. 'I–I could feel it.' he sobbed, his head hanging low. 'the fire. it felt so real.' he whispered. 'so you got away from it with a little trauma, huh?' chishiya asked, and niragi visibly flinched at his voice. 'no more, please. no more.' he begged in tears.

they kept quiet, as niragi slowly regained his composure. A breathless, bitter laugh escaped his lips. 'i hate you, chishiya.' he opened his eyes, still laughing in irony. 'that dude is so smart but doesn't know how to work a fucking normal gun to kill someone. no, dear chishiya uses the most cruel way to finish his enemies.' He glanced over to chishiya, who chuckled softly. 'you'd rather want me to kill you with a gun?' niragi laughed. 'yes. with that method, there would be no way for me to survive.' aguni gripped him strongly. 'stop this!' he barked. 'stop having these thoughts.'

niragi closed his eyes. 'i'm tired. i'm more dead than alive at this point. my mind is giving up, my body is giving up–' he rapidly stopped and raised his head to stare into the void, his eyes searching for something. 'suguru?' aguni asked, worriedly. niragi pushed himself away from niragi and took a few steps into the direction. 'he's calling me. i need to–need to follow him.' usagi jumped up. 'who?!' she walked up to niragi and stood in his way, but he just softly pushed her away. 'yakumo. he is calling me. i need to come to him.'

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i wrote this months ago and i hate it, but i don't have the energy to rewrite it. sorry that it is this cringe, all of this