• deep down the rabbit hole. ▓ suguru niragi centered

affection. ; 59

usagi widened his eyes and pulled niragi back, trying to stop him. 'suguru! he's dead! yakumo's dead!' niragi stopped in his tracks, looking at usagi with wide eyes. 'no, he's right there. i need to follow him, he's leaving!' she tried to stop him. 'aguni, help me! yakumo is dead! he died five years ago!' niragi stopped struggling against her, looking into the darkness. his gaze softened. 'yeah.' he gulped. 'i f–forgot... for a moment.' he stepped away from usagi, before a cough attack suddently brought him to his knees.

frozen in place, usagi looked down on the blood spitting man that was lying to her feet. it was only after a few moments that she kneeled down to him and softly stroked his hair. her heart broke when she saw the usually so strong male so defeated – by his own body and mind. the coughing left after a few moments, leaving behind an unconcious man. usagi had started crying softly, pulling his head onto her lap. 'aguni? how was niragi when you first met him?' chishiya suddently asked. aguni sighed. 'he was like you. cold, emotionless. we first thought he was a psychopath. that was, until we made him kill his first person here.'

'what do you mean?' chishiya asked. 'he was horrified by what he had done. but, he regained his composure rather quickly. we figured it didn't affect him that much, so we made him do all the dirty work. at first, i found him literally drowning in his guilt a few times. sitting in the shower, or the bathtub and bawling his eyes out, i mean. those moments were horrible, but as everything, killing only gets easier. and so, the guilt got smaller and smaller. we all found ways to cope with the trauma of killing people.' he murmured.

'it affected him more than he showed. i feel like, it was the feeling to belong that made it easier for him. and the feeling to have a purpose.' he continued. usagi sighed. 'i wish i could have been there for him, back then. when he was still in school. he doesn't deserve this.' she caressed the skin of his face – the burns had created a landscape, full of hills and valleys. he was beautiful. 'i wish the same.' aguni whispered and then picked him up to bring him to the fire.

chishiya spoke up again. 'so, you manipulated niragi and turned him into an obedient killer machine? i heard you and hatter talk about him. shortly before hatter died. he told you that niragi was acting up more and you couldn't control him like you used to. he demanded you to kill him if he kept behaving the way he did. you said you would do it. so, be honest. did you really ever care about him, or is it your guilt that drives you to act like this around him?' aguni widened his eyes slightly. after a short pause, he started. 'yes, we manipulated him.'

he sighed. 'i used his wish to belong somewhere as an advantage. i made him do all the dirty work for us because i didn't want to deal with the guilt. i made him do so many horrible things... and he did it. i feel like, the moment someone was genuinely, and even if it was just decently nice to him, he melted like butter in our hands. the same with praise – i remember when, after every thing he did, he came go me and told me about it.' he looked down onto the tall male. 'those were the things that kept him going.'

he stood up to lie niragi down a few metres away from the fire. 'if you show just a bit of kindness towards him, you will see what i mean. it takes a while, because he is generally very suspicious, and secondly because he and you don't have that good of a relationship, but if you gained his trust, he would do anything for to save you. he's very loyal. as you can see. i pushed him into the fire, yet he still saved me from it and came back to me.' he chuckled. 'if you have him as a friend, you have a friend for life. niragi is also only human. he longs for understanding and love just like everyone.'

'i know what you mean.' usagi smiled. 'when i was at his house, i built up a connection to him through the things he had lying around. books, or music. he loved to tell me about it.' 'by the way, what happened when you were captured by him? did he... do something to you?' arisu asked. usagi chuckled. 'i won't tell. it might ruin this little hope of peace and friendship between you two.'

suddently, they heard a soft groan from niragi, who tried to sit up. 's–shit.' he whispered. usagi came closer, worriedly. 'how are you?' he chuckled, and after a moment, he answered. 'now, dying is officially better than living.' he whispered. usagi widened her eyes. 'no! dying is never better! you will survive, suguru!' he laughed breathlessly. 'for what, even?' he pulled out his gun and held it up in the air to look at it in his lying position. 'i've been thinking about... it.' he whispered. 'for days now.' aguni jerked up and snatched the gun from niragis hand.

'you will survive, you jackass.' he mumbled. niragi closed his eyes. after a short moment, he started speaking again. 'i saw yakumo. in my dream. i... felt like i was floating in the sky. and then, i saw him. and i ran... closer and closer to him. i was so close – closer than ever. and he smiled at me, and then – i woke up here again.' he chuckled. 'god, i hate him so much. how could he do this to me?' a few tears rolled down his cheeks, that he wiped away quickly. 'bastard...'

'who is yakumo?' kuina asked softly. a pained laugh emerged from his mouth. 'he is my best friend.' usagi bit her lip in agony. he still talked about yakumo as if he was still alive. kuina sighed. 'do you... have hallucinatios like the one just now more often?' she asked carefully. 'daily... as contrary as it sounds, during my time alone, his hallucination was the only thing that made my not go insane.' he sat up slowly and looked up into the sky, smiling softly. 'you know, sometimes i just thought he was a hallucination of my mind, because i was so... lonely...' niragi started, his eyes watery as he stared at the stars.

'but when I see our photos, I know that he is real.' he pulled out something from his pocket to look at it – a photo. 'he was an angel. i mean it. No one but an angel could have loved someone like me.' his words were filled with selfhate and bitterness. he looked up to the others and reached out to arisu, who sat closest to him to give him the photo. he looked at it for a moment. 'the right one... is you, right?' niragi laughed and nodded. 'i was seventeen at that time. the picture was taken the two weeks before he killed himself.'

arisu looked onto the photo again. 'you looked so...' 'different? yeah. i was kind of a nerd back then and a huge loser. the perfect bully victim.' he closed his eyes again, his gently smile staying. 'during my time in borderland, i got to play the bully for once. and i kind of understood why they did it, how they were able to do it. they were feeling so small, that they didn't know any other idea to elevate themselves but to bring everyone else down.'

he looked into the fire that was now way smaller. 'i met one of them. here. and we talked things out. i pity him. he was also just trying to search for an outlet for his pent up pain and anger.' arisu smiled. 'i'm proud of you.' niragi looked up. 'huh?' after a while he smiled shyly. 'thank you.'

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The next chapter is officially the last one <3