Bloody Tolerance (On Hold)

Bad Girl Walking

Recap:

I mean Yes, the experience with Asher was...out there colossal.

Still haunting me but...

Asher wasn't the only one that was left with the aftermath of scars.

Scars I still felt like the edge of a dissecting blade.

Cutting, cutting, cutting sharp

Oh yes, looks could be deceiving

Very much deceiving; I opened the Number 3 labeled door, utterly deceiving indeed.

Chapter 3: Bad Girl Walking

I had my whole life before my eyes. I really did: I loved to adventure out into the word, I had a place I called home but more importantly than anything else I had Him. I mean usually people do not find their one and only. But I found him. Found him to only loose him...his name was Asher, how life can be soo cruel. Cruelness collided with a final pang to me. I mean your friends, family and your dearest ones like to say everything is going to be just fine as they kiss your hand, cuddle close to you but you can't really find the words to ask, "Will it be all right? Will it all be O.K?'' Because you want everything in your life to be back to the way it was. When it was your lover that smooched a swooning kiss on your hand; to suggesting cajoling words to you to make your world brighten or yet cuddling under the blanket to fall asleep in his arms to be welcomed by the sun through the window.

I am sure you know when you feel like you are trapped. You feel like you were concealed in a dreaded nightmare. Those doubts sinking in, those questions wrapping at you because you wondered if you were even awake or just simply dreaming, dreaming these possibilities of where to run and where to hide.

Even as much as you tried to run, even as much as you would push your limit's you weren't able to escape because the precipice of your dream would only end with you fatally wounded. There were always times when I felt that I would wake up, open my eyes and see Asher staring and smiling at me. Finally at ease that all those recent days of suffering was just that, a horrid dream and I could be glad that I was the lucky ones with the Happy Ending.

Unfortunately, my luck ran out and I had no Happy Ending. Instead of a Happy Ending I had a Mourning Despair of a chapter and it was closing with a sad ending. In my future, I had no white prince charming on his great and brave stallion riding to rescue me. I had no love to adventure into the world; I had no place to call my own because I left it a long time ago and the dreaded truth of Asher not enclosing me in his warmth as if forever was heart breaking. As if we had a forever as we slept and the bad dreams was only going to be a dream and that is all that it would ever be.

Simply dreams.

To be honest, I sometimes wondered if this nightmare was really just a fantasy. An illusion of me ignoring the pain all this time and of me also living through it. None of it seemed real. It couldn't be true. It just couldn't. My mind did have a tendency to go off into wild imaginations. Maybe that was all it ever was. My wild and crazy imagination...

Oh, how delightful if Asher came to me physically and I would fall in his arms. Tempted to give in and be seduced by the kisses raining down my face from him. Maybe it was all my wild and crazy imagination, because with him, Asher, nothing was better. We would be together and Asher would take my hand in his and say how much he loves me, saying he would love me for eternity in all the years to come. Then I would wonder of all the opportunities we would branch out together in the awaiting future.

Sadly, the future brought reality and reality made me realize how these "if's" were just "ifs". How I was distraught to know that when Asher died, how I would never know what kind of future we would have had. What kind of joy it would've been and "if" we were given another chance.