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by its_petrichor

by its_petrichor

I have always wanted to dance
I've always wanted to skate
I used to dream of being exceptional at it
and to this day
a part of me still does

I never dared to go after it because I always felt like a gross lump of fat
not worthy of flying
not worthy of being looked at

we talk about getting rid of those grudges that we hold against our parents
we talk about being kinder
less bitter
they raised us
is what we say

I'm not saying that you robbed me of that life
because that life is not the life I am living
it was not meant to be mine

I'm saying it could've been mine
I'm saying you could've told me I could have it
I'm saying you should've
I'm saying I needed you to
I'm saying I'm mad at you sometimes
I'm saying I am grateful
I love you
I'm saying but you hurt me

you hurt me
and they were not my words I heard echoing in my mind when I looked at myself in the mirror

yeah I could be a good person
a good daughter
and tell you that I forgive you
so you could sleep at night
while I still think about grazing my skin in the silence of my bedroom

I could tell you
I could lie to you
and you would never know
and I would be a good daughter
I would listen to you talk back to me in the mirror
when I'm 6
when I'm 20
when I'm 40
but I would be a good daughter

look dad I'm running again
look I've lost some weight since the last time you saw me
just look at me
I've been skipping meals
tell me I'm worthy of flying
tell me I'm worthy of being looked at
please just be proud of me

or I could tell you this
I could tell you what you have done to me
and you would wish you never said you hated being lied to

I know it's not fair
I know you've changed a lot
you're more careful now
you tiptoe around me
think twice before opening your mouth
and I know you're sorry
terribly awfully sorry

but while I've been pretending to try to forgive you
I also have always known that I never will
at least not all the way
not in a way that you'd want me to
because that too isn't fair

you have left him somewhere in the past
you have buried him
you have become another
but I am still her
I am still 6 and 10 and 14
I am 20 now
but I am also not
I am her
she is me
and it isn't fair dad
that's not fair to me

I promise to try you know
I promise to always try to forgive you because I don't love anyone else like I love you
I put you in God's place
and it'll be the death of me
but I am making this promise
because I want to be a good daughter
and because I want you to be able to sleep at night
and because I want to love me dad

oh to be able to love myself
what a beautiful love that must be
give it back to me please
you have it in your palm
please give it to me
so I could forgive you
so I could forgive me