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by its_petrichor

by its_petrichor

it is true that I have no idea what I want from this life
and it is true that I don't love my job
but I don't not love it
whenever I think about leaving
I choke

I might still have at least 10 months with you
but I keep thinking
if only there was a way to stay
if only I could find something for myself with you
if only
if only...
as if I could somehow trick myself into believing that what you do isn't what you do
and what I want isn't what I want

why?

you might have not seen me smile once
and you probably haven't said more than hi to me in passing
and I might not have stayed out later when I could have
but you do not know that my little heart of a romantic
who somehow
instead of a library
ended up in an IT company
loves you to pieces
you don't know that my loneliness cherishes every laugh
every minute spent together

I am not always and have never really been the most outgoing person
but you have been to me
and if only I had the words to tell you what that's been like
how it has forced me to take those steps towards the person I have always wanted to be
you changed me over-night
it often feels like
and gave me everything I never believed I could have as my own

and if I do end up leaving
this is what I can give you
these words are what I would leave you with in hopes that they account for all the times you asked me how it's going and I didn't ask you back because I haven't been able to since that one time when I was a kid
and I asked for help
and there was none
and all the times I didn't say goodbye on my way out of the office because the act of doing so made me so anxious I could puke

because I don't ever mean it
I don't ever want to make you feel like I'm hunting for that first opportunity to pounce when all I've ever wanted is for you to be proud of me
I want to do good
always
whatever you might ask of me
and I hope I have lived up to it
I hope it shows in how you perceive me
what these last two years with you have been to me

I don't think it to be too brave to say it has been everything
I wanted to be someone else when I left home
someone braver
more confident
kinder
and it wasn't the new city
or the new school
or the new apartment that gave that to me
it was you