~303~

0 0 0

by its_petrichor

by its_petrichor

what do I mean when I say I love her?

I love you but I hate you?
I love you but I don't know how to talk to you?
I love you but I can't forgive you?

of course I love you
I couldn't not love you
the question isn't about loving
it is about the underlying meaning
it is the connotation
it is all the things I feel whenever I tell you I love you

I do it for you you know
I do it out of obligation
I do it because it is right
most of the time
I don't want to say it
but I do anyway

it is horrible
pathetic even
but you did this
you did this to us
and I can't hate you because you're Mom
but I do
I think I do Mom
at least a little bit
probably though a lot

do you think you've changed?
even a little bit?
and if not
don't you think you should have?
don't you think I deserve that?
a fucking break?

I look at you
and I see pain
years and years of unresolved ugliness
it is so ugly
but you love me so much
and it makes it so much worse

sometimes I wish you didn't
sometimes I wish you could take a step back from all that blinding love and see me for who I am
someone you left
someone you did wrong more times than I can count
I am someone you hurt
terribly

being someone's mother does not excuse you from being sorry