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by its_petrichor

by its_petrichor

I promised I would at least try
that I wouldn't hold it all in
wouldn't dismiss it
wouldn't sleep on it

I need to live through the next few months
I need to make it
I need to want it

I don't know how to want it
have I ever wanted it?
I must have
three years ago when my eyes sparkled with ambition for what I could become
what kind of books I could write
I must have wanted it then

I've been asleep for a long time
somewhere along the way I lost that part of me who was so sure she could be anything she wanted
now
today
I am ready to settle
I would settle for a job I do not want because it's something to do
because it's easy
to settle

and my book
I call it a rebrand
but the simple truth is that I have abandoned it
I have left it to die
I can no longer write it
left the damned thing in the middle of a sentence

how could I?
how did I dare?

the thing that I signed up for merely to write has completely deprived me of the ability to do so
I am so outrageously disappointed
so sad
I am grieving

what else is new?