[COMPLEMENTARY PARTS] - Never Ending story

Dove ◇

Y/N's point of view.

- AT BUCKY'S APARTMENT, EVENING -

It's not even midnight yet but Bucky already fell asleep, and we were in the middle of watching a movie he kept talking to me about, so that means he was very tired to do so. Him falling asleep in the middle of us doing something together is happening more and more frequently, it's actually the fourth time he does it this week, it doesn't bother me at all I'm actually glad he can finally find a sense of rest after all of this.

It's just sleeping, but I remember I couldn't even do so when I got out of that mind control and went back to the normal life as well, it took me months to be able to just close my eyes and let my mind rest for a night. I know he had that peacetime in Wakanda for a while, but I don't think it was long enough for him to be able to completely put this chapter behind.

There's one thing confusing me though: him having nightmares more and more. It's been months since he's out of that now, so what's triggering those nightmares in a way that instead of them slowly going away, they are more and more present?

I wish he would have told me earlier about these, just so that he didn't have to deal with this alone, even just for the few weeks he's been silent about it but honestly, I can't blame him, he said all of them were about him being forced to do these horrible things and I know seeing yourself like this can give you a whole new perception to everything, a whole new perception on you and how you feel about yourself, how to feel, actually, I've been there. The difference is for me, my perception of feelings has changed for a while now, but this episode just aggravated the process.

My response to feelings started changing when I first got to know Bucky, before that I was a woman raised by an unresponsive and dull mother, who never taught me to take care of this part of me, my mind, and my feelings.

She never transmitted happiness, love, and anything related to it to me, as any mother would have with their child. The only things she transmitted to me were pain, anger, and rage, not directly against me, but against the fact that I was all that was left of her dead husband, and that seeing me every day just reminded her of him, again and again instead of giving her the possibility to mourn this latter.

I couldn't be resentful towards her because I knew she didn't control it, but I was still a person so it still hurt, I still felt deep in my heart these negative emotions she was sending me but I just had to keep that to myself to not make the situation worse.

She raised me into being a dull and even dispirited person, I had to keep all this pain and suffering inside and I learned to never let it out I even thought it was normal since I never did otherwise, I considered this sorrowful state as normal for a long time since I just didn't know what positive feelings were for all these years. I was only surviving, but one day I finally felt alive.

I got shown what they were one day years later, and the person who showed me what affection, love, and all its related emotions were is James, and he introduced me to this new range of emotions as soon as I met him when we were still young, and every day since then. Unfortunately, my mother's raising was already too deeply anchored to my heart to let Bucky's caring fully grip to me, this bubble she put me in, I couldn't get out of it and still felt like it was better for me to keep it to myself instead, keep that vulnerable side to me unless I was with Bucky.

When I was with him I felt safe and valuable enough to let my guard down. When he left for the war I didn't know what to feel or how to feel, I had been introduced to feeling alive when he came into my life and felt like I was ripped again from it when he left.

I couldn't show how devastated I was because I never learned to do so on my own without him and because it was already hard enough for his family to endure that and I was trying my best to keep supporting them for him. I also couldn't just let my pain out and go talk about how broken I felt to anyone because if not James I thought I didn't have anyone close enough to understand me this deepest as he was able to do with my mother, and I thought I would never have.