James ◇

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by NvrEndingStory_

by NvrEndingStory_

Bucky's point of view.

This 10 minutes ride has been done in a complete silence. Many things changed since all these years, but it looks like some didn't. I still know Y/N by heart, and I know that this silent attitude she's having right now combined to this expression she's wearing is because she's in her head, getting drowned in her thoughts, even if I don't know what exactly she is thinking about. Back in time, I would have just talked to her, make her snap out of this overthinking session, make the demons eating her mind finally shut.

But now, especially right now, I can't do that because I myself am in my head, getting eaten by my own thoughts. The more the day pass and the more I find myself here, thinking.

Thinking about all that past, the captivity, the dead people, the fights, the missions,... It is like everything is crippling back to my mind while I thought I was finally free from all of this. And the thing is, thinking about it put me in a state that is simply... destroying me. I close my eyes and all I'm seeing violence, death, torture. I open my eyes and look at myself, at my arm, and it's like the pain is still happening, like it never ever turned into a scar that healed, like I never healed.

And, if this is the way it is crossing my heart and mind, it means that it does the same with Y/N, at least if she ever think about it again. Lately I feel like she is slowly going back to that person she was once, that person who was thriving, living, enjoying the simplicity of life. It may seems like nothing, but last day she was able to simply go for a walk without the gloves she usually wears to hide her scars. Seeing them, anyone asking about them could be a reminder of that paingul period for her, but her doing so means that she may be taking a step further in that growth she needs to have, and I'm proud of her, that's it.

I'm proud of the fact that she has been able to overcome a bit of this suffering that has been put in her precious heart. But I know she is still healing, she is a strong person but it is too much to bear. Her losses, the torture, the constant fear of the attacks she told me she was having once, I know all of this didn't went away completlely yet, and that's why I can't open up to her, as she wants me to.

It's not that I don't want to, I really need to, actually. I don't think I can phrase properly what would cure this constant growing pain that I'm having right now but I'd say I need to... let go. I just need to hear her tell me it's going to be okay, I need her to wrap her arms around me and let me cry on her shoulder just to let all that pain they put in me for these 70 years out, I need to be vulnerable for once, that's it.

But if I do, if I talk, I'm putting these thoughts back in her mind too, and I can't. I don't want her to feel an ounce of that pain again, I would rather die of this sorrow that's killing me than be the cause of another single tear of hers. I would die for her happiness, she deserve to live. More than anyone.

"You're okay?", she asks while looking at me, I didn't even noticed my eyes were on her again, lost in these thoughts. I better look down, because answer is I'm not okay. I'm far from an okay state.

I'm dying my love and I just want you to save me. I'm falling, and I just want you to catch me, but I don't want to take you in this fall.

I see she only cares for me, I see these eyes, but I can't. I better look down, because I can't bear this right now. I feel like I might crack and I can't do that. I can't do that for her, one word could simply... wreck everything for her.

"Yeah, yes, sorry."

I feel horrible for lying to her, never in my life I thought I would have to place some dishonesty in our relationship, but it is for the better of it. It is for her safety, and it's all that matters to me, her.

"Bucky, what's on your mind...?"

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"James..."

A million things are going through my mind, but they all come to you. You are in my mind, love.

_______________________

This chapter is followed by video part 165, thank you for reading!

Side note: This chapter is way shorter than Y/N's one, but I'll devellop Bucky's feelings in the following video parts and chapters. :)