Farewell. ◇

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by NvrEndingStory_

by NvrEndingStory_

Bucky's point of view.

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"I-- I can't breathe. James please you got to let me go. I'm begging you Bucky, I can't... Can't breathe... Buck, please."
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Third time it happens this week, I've lost track of all the other times I've had such a nightmare during this last month. Third time I find myself in this state, panicking, panting, awakened by what I just saw in this dream. Third time my mind can do nothing else, but put these wrecking images back in my head.

It is always the almost same thing every time, I find myself being him again, I find myself with blood on my hands, I find myself hurting one person always: Y/N. Every time I have those dreams now all I see is her, screaming for help and in pain, her being tortured by no one else but me.

I'm starting to have trouble differentiating a nightmare that never happened with a memory, that already happened. The thing is whether it is the one or the other, the end image is still the same. There's him, and her. At first, I thought it was only him and her, but the more I see it, the more I relive it, the more I'm starting to think it could be me, and her, not him, and that's what troubling my mind now.

I just... woke up from that, a minute ago I was him, and now I'm... me, again. But even with how hard I try and even gaslight myself I know a part of me is still him, I mean I've changed, I know that.

Simply I can't trust my own mind now and... I think I relied on Y/N to do so for me, to simply see me as a person. But ever since she said those words, ever since I know I still scare her I feel like I'll never be the person I used to be again. If even her can't trust me anymore, then why would I.

I'm afraid now, afraid of my own person.

If I call her now maybe there's a chance that I can see her again, let her touch soothe me as it always did, simply look at her and get lost in her eyes. Right now it's either getting stuck in my own mind with the same images again and again, or going to see my love, my heart, and seeing her, not hurting anymore but still with the same scars all over, all these scars I feel like I could've avoided her.

I know in a way I could've avoided her most of that pain she's bearing and had to pile up during all these years, it was my role to do so, I had to protect her, that's all.

But one decision led to all of this, one stupid decision of mine and I will never, ever forgive myself for that. If I never enlisted she wouldn't have come this far then. If I let her be happy with Howard and pretended that I could still be here the same way for her I know she would have stopped being this soldier for me and focused on a future where I wouldn't have been, she could've forgotten me. Maybe I should do it now, let her forget me and just go away. Maybe that's what she needs, my absence, not my presence. Maybe I'm the reason why her wounds can't heal.

There's no threat now, the world seems kind of safe and even normal. The only threat there is for her is me, and after all she's been through she can't go through more, she doesn't deserve it, anyone but her.

Those screams she shouted while in captivity every time they were experimenting, the begs she was saying every time she desperately asked them to stop, all of these were the same that every time I had to go against her and unfortunately achieved what I had to do, the time I put that knife in her back... I remember this time she was laid down there, she was bleeding to death and I just left her there. She was dead to me at that moment, and I just left. I just left her for dead, I won, almost. How many times could've I won? Most importantly, can I still win?

The answer is yes, I can. All these things they taught me to win against her, they're still in there. So I can still win this, and that's what's dangerous about me and her together.

What if even with everything they did for me in Wakanda, deep down, it is still inside? If he's gone why all of this can't leave my mind? I feel like I have this shadow following me permanently, Y/N said she wasn't seeing me like him, but why do other people still do? I have to go to this therapy and I don't even think it's working, but I can't stop trying. I just don't know who I am anymore, I know who I'm supposed to be but I can't.

I'm supposed to be here for her, but I can't, I feel powerless and it's destroying me, and her. She needs me as her rock, not me as a burden, and I need time to get my own burden away. She says she isn't scared of me but still freezes at my touch, still seems petrified when I don't gaze at her too softly, still feels unsafe with me after all, as if she never actually put moved on from him.

Maybe she can't put that chapter behind because I am this chapter she has to put behind and away. Maybe it's me who has to go away, just for her to be at peace for once in her life. Just for her to close her eyes and be at peace. It's all I want for her, peace.

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If unclear, Bucky didn't call her following the last chapter.

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This chapter is to be followed with video-part 170.
Thank you for reading, don't hesitate to comment. ♡