Quite Quitting

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The week leading up to Glenn's funeral was a clusterfuck. I was a total mess, crying on and off all day to the point where Sugar took a day off to make sure I wasn't home alone. I cried for Glenn, for my guilt that kept creeping in every once in a while, for Alex. Alex had no interest in answering me back, even though I only asked questions about any help the family needed. By the time the funeral took place, I hadn't talked to him for almost eight days. Finally, on the day of the funeral, I got a message, not from him but from his message carrier, saying I'd been blocked.

I wasn't officially invited to the funeral. However, LongD employees were. David was the only one who messaged me back, texting me the details and location. The funeral would be held in New York at the same church Glenn got baptized. As soon as I got the information, I knew I would go.

So Monday morning, after getting the blocked message, I finally stopped crying and prepared for the funeral.

Sugar, still too concerned, walked me to the subway station and made sure I was on the right train before leaving me to go to work in the opposite direction. I did not deserve her.

Walking towards the church, I saw the city engulfed In Christmas. There was new green and red lighting dancing around in the wind as they hung on every store, restaurant, or building I passed. Small and large Santa Clauses and snowmen appeared at every corner I turned, and my hopeful heart was reminded that Alex had promised not to want to end us. He wanted to ask me to marry him.

Walking into the church, I had a rush of urgency. To see Alex, to say goodbye to Glenn. But as soon as I entered, I saw rows of people. The church was grand. With its high marbled ceilings and rows and rows of people, all looking far into the distant end of the room where the priest was delivering his sermon. On kindness and forgiveness, I gathered from the few lines I heard.

I took a seat in the last row. I could barely make out who was sitting in the front. The back of their heads was all I had access to, and that, too, was at least half a football field away. The plan was to track Alex down after the funeral, but I couldn't even see if he was there.

Alex's father spoke after the priest left the crowd with his sage words of "understanding that every human being had their demons, we should approach everyone with kindness." His father, on the other hand, was very stoic and said just a few words of thanks to everyone who was there on this unfortunate day. When it came to Glenn, he simply said, "My son was very...troubled. At least he is at peace now."

No one else spoke. Not Alex. Not his mother. Not a friend. Soon the large crowd began to disperse, causing a clutter I couldn't see past. I could make out Alex's mother, Sharon, as I was dragged out of the church with the traveling crowd. So all I could do was call out to her. "Sharon, Sharon."

She finally turned to face me. She gave me a somber smile and waited as I approached her. "How are you, honey?" She softly spoke when I broke from the crowd and landed before her.

"How are you? I am so sorry for your loss!" I said, giving her petite frame a tight hug.

"I am okay. He is free now. His father and I knew a long time ago there wasn't much else we could do to help him." She wiped tears that had formed and fallen within a few seconds of talking. I felt her grief, and my guilt reared its ugly head in my brain.

"I am so sorry, Sharon. I wish there was something I could do." It was all I could offer.

"Glenn always has good things to say for you. You've done more than you should have." She held my face. "For Alex and Glenn."

"Where is Alex?"

She simply just shook her head. "Don't worry about him. For a change, Charlotte, be selfish and just worry about yourself. If you let him, he can hurt you really badly. I love my son, but he shouldn't be around anyone who cares for him right now. He wants to blame everyone for what happened." So he wasn't just doing it to me. Well, his mother could give up on him, but I wouldn't!