MATT STURNIOLO In Denial

Chapter One Denial

TW: descriptions of death.

My two scrawny cousins, our uncle, and three family friends start lowering the casket into the ground. This makes my mother loose it, but I can't stand the sight. I look at my phone and hands in my lap avoiding watching my cousins struggle to carry the weight. Not even a second later I hear the triplets next to me get into an argument.
"Shut the fuck up Matt." Chris says too loudly. I look at the boys quickly. Everyone shoots a look at me including my mother, who's glare burns. I try to mouth to Chris to be quite, and they try, but this doesn't stop the triplets from fighting for the rest of the funeral. Even in a hushed tone, these boys are loud. I wanna hush them again but their fighting actually helps distract me. I selfishly let them drone on so I can drone out the thought of who is now six feet under. When the service was over people start coming up to me and my family. My mom hugs people crying, while my sister shakes there hands, thanking them for coming. I stand silently behind Chris trying to hide from people's empty sorrys. People still come and try and hug me like they did my mother, ask how I am which I brush away with a simple "fine", or "I'll be okay"s. Matt comes up to me and hands me a rose. I accept it and smile.
"Thank you Matt." We stand there for awhile watching my distant family stand in huddled circles of condolences around the grave. After while people start leaving and I can tell my moms distracted enough I can sneak off. I motion quietly to the boys of my plan and they nod. My sister sees me and grabs my arm. "That was really insensitive." Halley whispers. I know she's talking about how my guests interrupted the service but I ignore her taking my arm back. I see behind me my mom starts talking to the dirt that covers him. I see her weep on his grave, even though he can't hear her. I turn back around and the boys follow my lead as I walk to the church.
I'm relived to see the church isn't locked. When we reach the center where the services are held I go and sit on one of the last pews. Again the boys follow my lead. Nick sits on the pew right in front of me, turning so he can still face us. Chris sits in my left, and Matt sits in my right, just like there assigned seats in their car. For the first time all day, the boys sit silent watching me. They don't bicker or tease each other. They don't hit or yell or even joke for that matter. They sit silent now we are all alone. I fucking hate it more than anything.
"Let's play a game." I say looking up suddenly. The boys sit up surprised by my enthusiasm.
"We don't have to," Chris says.
"We can just sit and be here for you." Matt agrees. I shake my head, I feel a tear about to break away.
"No," I say, and the tear falls. I wipe at it quickly. "What do you wanna play?" Matt asks seeing how fragile I've become in the quite. I shrug feeling another tear drip on my black dress. I shrug again this time trying to hold back the fountain of tears I feel now building up. Nick who understands, jumps in. 
"We are gonna play a would you rather challenge, super duper craziness, and it's gonna be massive and huge-" this makes Chris break into a giggle. I roll my eyes but it makes me smile as well. He continues like he's hosting a game show. "And big-" Matt looks at Chris suspiciously and Chris has a hard time keeping it in. "It's gonna be a crazy experience." I nod and laugh a little.
"Let's do it." I say happy for the distraction. glad that he didn't miss a beat, glad at how easily it helped me forget for a second how badly I am gonna miss my him.
"Would you rather never drive, or never walk?" Nick says. A bit too soon I think but I ignore it.
"Never drive or never walk-" Chris repeats,
"Never drive." Matt interrupts.
"Really?" Chris asks. They bicker a bit about the answer. They argue if being driven was allowed and I sit silently while they do. After a bit of zoning out to the sounds of them talking they snap me out of it.
"Does being driven around count?" Nick asks. I shrug. I hope so, I think. I'm never fucking driving again. They go onto another question and I sit again just listening. Watching them interact always made me so happy. I interrupt a game of rock paper scissors that breaks out between Matt and Chris to ask the next one.
"Lick dog shit, or bite concrete?" Chris makes a sound of disgust, but they all agree they would rather lick dog shit. Their logic being that you can't bite concrete, which is the most logical thing they've said so far.
"Never shower or never brush your teeth again." I ask. Again they all start arguing and taking over each other. I listen until it's time to ask the next question. When I ask 'jeans or sweatpants' they start fighting more intensely. Nick refuses to choose either and Matt and Chris start defending the integrity of the game. I really don't mind, it's why I brought them today. I don't mind that I never can get a word in or answer any of the questions cause they talk over each other. I sit silently watching them distracted and intrigued by how they work. I find myself looking at Matt, which gives me butterflies so I stop. I think about the rose in my hand. I think about how I'll keep it. I wonder if he knows I'll never let this rose go.
"Bailey?" I hear my mom shout from outside the church. It snaps me out of my bubble of peace and the boys stop talking for a second. I guess she's ready to leave now to. I think about the ride home. I worry she's gonna cry again. I put my head in my hands trying to get that fleeting peace back.
"It's okay." Nick says. "We are here, for whatever you need."
"I know." I whisper. And I hear my mom impatiently call for me again. "I know." I say again. My mom reaches the center of the church where we were. She comes over and gives me a hug which I barely reciprocate. She sees that I'm still with the boys and makes a face. As we walk out my mom shoots another record holding glare.
"The triplets, again?" She asks. I look back at them hoping they done hear her disappointment.