MATT STURNIOLO In Denial

Chapter Six Acceptance

TW: descriptions of death, blood.

The way Britney talked about Matt made him seem untouchable. It was strange and exciting and felt like the start of one of those John Green books, unbearably corny but you can't put it down. Telling Brittney I liked Matt made my feelings more real which then makes it scary. I've always hated the possibility of rejection. Thinking about him makes my head hurt again. I take a pill out, drink some water and lay on my bed star struck. If this were a movie based off a John Green book, I bet something edgy like Lana del Ray would be playing. I remember what his text said earlier. He has something for me. I collect myself then dial his number cooly waiting for him to pick up. I hear the dial tone then Matt's voice.
"Hey hold on." He's playing video games which I can hear in the background. I hear him yell in anger then him pick up the phone again.
"Sorry I just died. What's up?"
"Just taking you up on your offer to give me something."
"Oh shit right." He concentrates on his game then back to me.
"My parents are home would you mind-" this is followed by excitement, I guess this time he didn't die. "If I just come you?" I hear him press the buttons on his controller quickly. "We can just go to that park by your house or something." He considered I didn't want to be in a car, that's nice. He also wants to be alone, noted.
"Sure, I'll be here."

When I get to the park Matt's already there. He's leaning on his car with his hands behind his back. His hair is wet from just showering. I notice his pants thinking there cool but quickly look away, not trying to give the wrong impression of what I'm noticing.
"Hi." I say.
"Hi."
"You have something?" I join him leaning on the car.
"Maybe." Followed by a shrug. "You might not need it anymore though." He says motioning toward my head, I remember his promise last time I saw him.
"Oh no!" I say realizing. "You brought me a hat?" I laugh. "To hide my homeless hair?"
"I did." He says laughing.
"How considerate." I say
"Looks like you don't need it anymore though." He says as throws a Santa hat back into his car, which makes me laugh too, honored he was going to give me his famous Santa hat.
"Well." I look at him. "It's the thought that counts." I say. "Sorry you drove all the way over here, just to find out I'm clean."
"I just assumed you to be dirty." He says then regrets it, which makes me laugh more than what he said. I'm think the joke he was trying to make was that I was gross or something but it comes off way too sexual. We both kinda lean away from each other to make some more space in between us because of it.
"What?!" I laugh, still kinda backing away.
"No! I didn't- god no- your not dirty like that- I didn't assume-" We both stumble over at his stuttering excuses, he rubs his eyes while he laughs.
"You assumed I'd be dirty?" I repeat teasing.
"Ew no sorry." He says as he hears how it sounds again, wincing. After awhile the laughter stops and there's nothing left but a weird tension that follows. I motion toward the parks swing set.
"Wanna swing, kill time till my mom gets home?"
He looks over noticing the set and gets very excited.
"Oh my god! I love swinging." Matt says as we walk over.
"Oh my god!" I say "Of course you do."
"What's that supposed to mean."
"That I'm not surprised your someone who still loves to swing." We reach the swings and see that one of them is broken. I race and beat him to the one that works.
"Oh come on! And right after you made fun of me for liking swinging!"
"Sorry." I say swinging obnoxiously to rub it in. "I  just love swinging too." I wink.
"That's crazy." He says. I swing for a bit kicking up the wood chips bellow me cause my legs are too long.
"You know what I thought about today?" I say.
"What?" He asks hands crossed, dodging my legs if they swing to close to his head.
"The day we met."
"Yeah?"
"I was having trouble not thinking about- I don't know, everything I guess. And to clear my mind I thought about the day we met."
"How do you remember it?"
"What do you mean?"
"How do you remember the day we met."
"I just remember you Nick and Chris and I all lying on the grass."
"You remember us lying in grass?"
"Yeah," I say imagining the day. "Cause it was so sunny I had to squint as I looked up. I remember you guys were just asking each other random questions, and I just sat there listening looking at the light in the sky."
"On the grass?"
"Yeah, then it started raining a little."
"I don't remember rain?"
"You don't?"
"I remember laying with you while- I guess me and my brothers just talked- I remember the light sorta, but no rain."
"Weird."
"Weird." He repeats.
"You remember what you asked me?"
"Yeah." He has asked me my biggest fear. To me it was less about what he said and more why he said it. Him and his brothers had gone on there usual tangent about something out of the realm of any real common sense. It's funny, humorous to watch but hard to be included in. Something about being a triplet and the bond or something. But as I played there trying to tune out the world he noticed me. He asked me a stupid random question so I too could be included.

"You made that day a lot better Matt. Thank you." I've slowed down enough in the swing now that we are now both still.
"Your welcome, that's why I'm here you know, so you can talk, so I can be there for you."
"You always say that." I say.
"Cause it's true."
"I'm just scared to open up."
"Scared?"
"Yeah. Like it's too late or something. I feel like I've built a wall up, been able to completely distract myself from- what happened." I stop looking at him and occupy my view with the wood chips scattered on the ground.
"It just weird, to loose someone and feel responsible, ya know." He shrugs again.
"Why do you feel responsible?"
"Well- I mean- I just kind of am. I the one was driving."
"I didn't know that."
"Yeah."
"I wouldn't wanna think about that either."
"It's not even thinking about it, I can't think I killed my dad. I can say it, clearly. But it's like the feeling around it, those- that's what I've turned off, I can't do that, I can't put it into words. I can't understand how it feels to know I'm the reason he's not here." There's a void between us for second, neither one of us knowing how to carry the weight of this reality. Matt looks at me very seriously and says,
"You know when I don't have the words I just sing." I look up at him.
"Shut the fuck up Matt." I say but it makes me laugh, and he finds it amusing himself.
"Just sing how you feel." He says, egging on the joke.
"Absolutely not." I say, still laughing.
"Okay, what song would you say best fits how you feel?"
"Let it go, from frozen."
"Jesus Christ." He says, and we both fall silent again. I hear a dog bark in the distance, a car drive by, I can still hear my headache that never goes away.
"It makes me feel damaged."
"You not damaged."
"You don't think so."
"No, cause it's probably really common, it might be a trauma response or something."
"Well that doesn't make me feel any better." I slightly chuckle at the word trauma, what the fuck does that even mean, I think.
"Why not."
"Cause I feel like you only hear about those kinds of things when you talk about people who survive the war. And it's always someone's grandpa who you can't play violent video games around."
"You don't wanna be that grandpa?"
"No." All of a sudden I realize that we are talking about it, without realizing it I've been able to open up about how it feels. It's feels like I'm the grandpa everyone's uncomfortable around. It feels like I'm the grandpa who tells stories about everyone he's lost, and back in his day first person shooter games was his reality. "Thank you." I say.
"For what."
"I don't know, just- your helping."
"I am?"
"Yeah."
"That's why I'm here, so you can talk to someone."
"You keep-" I look up to tease him for reapting himself but he's gone. I look around, thinking he's played a joke on me.
"Matt?"
"Yeah?" I hear, but I still don't see him. My head starts to pound harder.
"Matt I can't see you."
"Your pills are probably wearing off?" I get off the swing and look for him, I look back for him car but I can't find it either.
"Matt come out this isn't funny."
"I'm still here."
"Where?"
"Here." I walk around looking behind the giant plastic slide. I wonder toward the tower , but he's no where.
"Matt?"
"I'm right here." He says again, and I hear it like it's right in front of me.
"Come out this isn't funny." There's something like a whispered response but I can't make it out. I wonder if he's getting father away. What kind of prank is this, it's not funny.
"Matt come out!" I start to panic as my headache starts blurring my vision, I feel tears well up my eyes and I feel blind. I walk around with my arms out stretched trying to find him.
"Matt!" Nothing.
"Matt please!" I sit and ball myself up uncontrollably sobbing, I rock in my panic trying to control my breathing. I start to feel like I did after the crash, helpless to get someone back I love.
"Matt! Please! I need you!" I hear the softest response.
"What do you need?" It says, almost warped by my headache I barely understand it.
"I need to be held, will you hold me?"
"I'm sorry, I can't. I'm here so you have someone to talk to." I scream inside and out I scream. All of a sudden a memory comes back to me.