MATT STURNIOLO In Denial

Chapter Three

TW: descriptions of death, and car crash.

"No dad, gps says you turn left."
"You can't turn left."
"The gps says-"
"I'm telling you go straight."
"It's just gonna make me turn around."
"I know it's not left, go straight, if I'm wrong then I guess we'll just make a U turn."
The turn is coming up. My father lost most of his sight when he was deployed in Germany, but it doesn't stop him from being a cocky son of bitch when it comes to his since of direction. He claims loosing his sight has heightened almost everything else. Study shows that might actually be true, but I'm not letting a legally blind man tell me how to drive. He hears my blinker turn on.
"Come on!" He complains.
"Dad I'm gonna follow the directions on the phone." I say going to turn.
"I know what I'm talking about!" He says. He didn't, but neither did I. I made the decision to turn too late, I turn without looking and hit another car.
"Fuck!" I scream. My heart pounds. Even dreaming my body remembers the pain. I can feel my head smash into the window next to me as the semi truck hits my fathers side of the car. I feel the weightless feeling of falling as the car flips upside down. As we hang from our seatbelts trapped until someone can come to our rescue

When I wake up I'm sweating. My head is throbbing like it did when I woke up in the hospital. I feel blood rushing from the stitches by my ear. I bring my hand to my head and then look at the red on my fingers. My vision goes a bit blurry from the pain, and I wonder if this is what my father saw. Completely unaware of what was about to happen, he could only see a blur of his hands in his lap. His sight taken from the war, but his life taken by me. I stumble to get my meds from the night stand. I choke them down with a old energy drink and grab my phone. I go to my contacts. I scroll till I see Britney's name. My meds kick in quickly and the throbbing becomes a bit less intense but it can't stop my heart from hurting. I stare at Britney's contact then decide against it. I scroll down more and click on someone else name. I hear the dial tone.
"Matt?" 
"It's late."
"I know I'm sorry-"
"No, your good. I can't sleep either."
"I had a dream-" I close my eyes and see it again, I snap them back open. "I don't wanna go back to sleep or I'm worried-"
"You'll see it all again." He says reading my mind.
"Yeah." I say softly. Hearing his voice calms me and now the headache and heartache disappear.
"Will you keep me up? So I don't fall back asleep?" He pauses I wonder if he heard my accidental euphemism.
"Wanna go for a drive?" He asks.
"Fuck that."
"Oh shit, sorry not a drive."
"No it's okay, I just can't be in a car right now."
"No, yeah, I get it. You want me to come over? We could go on a walk or something?"
"Sure." I try not to seem too enthusiastic by the offer but I don't know how well I pull it off.
"I'll text you when I'm there."
"Okay." I say and I put my phone down.

We walk around for a bit around my neighborhood, chatting about plans for the summer. He says we should go to Hawaii, which seems unrealistic and perfectly wonderful. I agree knowing we will never actually go. We eventually find ourselves at the quick trip by my house, and I go in and get a large soda. I haven't really been hungry the past few weeks, nibbling on food anytime my mom forced it. But being with Matt made me feel better, my stomach settled. We sit for a bit on the curb, and people watch. It's late which means the gas stations crowded with drunk girls pulling down there club dresses while flirting with the cashier, crazies talking to themselves, and tired gym rats stopping for gas before heading to the gym. It's a peaceful kind of crazy. The kind you can rely on.
I haven't washed my hair in days, I accidentally threw on my David Bowie T-shirt which has three weirdly colored stains on it. So I really shouldn't be too surprised when a sweet elderly white women comes up to me offering me change.
"Bless your heart, you look so young." She says and I look up confused. She is holding her hand out with a twenty a sympathetic look plaster on her face. I look at Matt confused.
"She thinks your homeless." He says laughing.
"Shut up." I say glaring at him.
"Pardon?" The lady asks.
"No not you," I say laughing with Matt now. " I don't need it, thank you." I say rejecting her pity cash. She looks in Matt's direction mortified. I smooth my hair back and put it in a pony tail, embarrassed of what I most look like right now.
"That was a low moment for me." I joke.
"That was crazy." He agrees. "You don't look that bad."
"That bad?!" I say going to shove him, he moves quickly out of my way.
"How long has it been since you showered!"
"I showered last night, I just can't wash my hair because of the stitches." I explain.
"Next time I see you I'll bring you a hat."
"Oh thanks," I snort. Another couple walks by and looks at us.
"She has a home don't worry." He yells to them,
"Shut up!" I say again but this time I laugh with him. The couple scurries quickly away.
"I'm kidding. You look good." I don't. But It's nice to hear.
"Yeah?" I say unconvinced.
"Sometimes I forget you don't see yourself like everyone else does." He says and reaches for my drink. I swipe it away quickly.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I don't know," he shrugs. " like you don't realize your actually really pretty or something." It was kinda of a forward thing to say, and it makes me nervous.
"Or something?" I say trying to keep it light.
"Or something." He repeats.
"Well, I guess you wouldn't understand."
"What?"
"I don't know I was gonna make some joke, that you like already know your pretty or something but now I'm thinking it's stupid." My checks feel red as I fail trying to match his confidence of forwardness. I worry he doesn't like being called "pretty" cause it's girly, and feel like I just fucked it all up.
"I do not." He says annoyed.
"Well you do now." I say trying to play it cool again, and failing.
"Oh-" he says. "Thanks." He fiddles with his hands and looks at the ground.
"Your welcome." I take a sip of my drink to avoid looking back at him right away.
"Do you wanna talk about your dream?" He asks timidly, changing the conversation over to something else.
"Not really." I say and I get up. He follows me and we walk up the side walk that leads to my house.
"I'm here, so you can, you know, talk if you want. Whenever you ready." He says and his hand swings next to me close enough I could grab it. I don't, I quickly switch the hand my drink is in so it's occupied.
"I think I'll be ready soon. I guess- I don't know- everyone wants me to be ready. I just- I don't know right now I just need a friend."
"You want me to be your friend?" He asks. Now I do look at him. I see those stupid blue eyes everyone's always taking about. Those stupid blue eyes seem disappointed I needed a friend. I worry I closed a door so I make another joke.
"A friend or something." I say, referencing what he said earlier, and leaving the door open for something more than friendship. Just in case that's why he seemed disappointed. I catch a small smile that he tries to hide, as we get to my house.
"It's almost morning." I say as I pause at the door.
"Do you want me to leave?" I hear the smallest amount of sadness in his voice. I look at the door and remember my moms sleeping upstairs.
"Would you-" I pause considering if it's a dumb question. "Would you stay, just till I fall asleep. So I don't have to be alone?" He checks his phone to see the time, then nods.
"You have to be quite though." He nods again. We sneak through the house to my room. I offer he sit on the chair by my bed, which he takes quickly. I sit up in bed and we play on our phones for a bit, trying not to feel awkward that the same night he called me pretty I asked him to stay the night, hoping I don't seem clingy.
"What are your predictions for this year?" I whisper, trying to start a conversation so I don't over think the whole situation.
"For the year?" He asks looking up from his phone.
"Yeah like what do you think will happen?" He thinks. "I think that they are gonna turn trees into plastic." I start.
"Why?"
"So they can like put cameras in or chip em or something." I whisper.
"Interesting."
"I think time travel will be invented." Matt says running his hands through his hair to fix it. I notice I get a little jealous his hands get to touch his hair. Then I cringe a bit at how cheesy it is to think that at all.
"That would be wonderful, I hope so." We sit I think about what I would do if I could time travel.
"No I bet it's already been invented." He says swiftly as if reading my mind.
"Yeah?" I turn to watch him.
"But the government has a hold on it."
"Sure that makes since."
"Maybe it can only be used for like government things like, if they have to cover something up."
"Oh!!! The moon landing"
"Well that wasn't covered up." He says obviously.
"No but there's something sketchy about it."
"Oh for sure. I don't believe in the moon landing at all." Matt says materaffactly.
"Like at all?" I tease.
"Yeah cause if it was real, why is no one on the moon right now?" He says ignoring my sarcasm
"How do you know there isn't." I object and his eyes widen. "Exactly."
"Your smart." He says, and I believe he means it.
"Thank you." I say surprised by his complement.
He shrugs again. "I guess I'm feeling nice tonight."
"You've called me pretty and smart, and say your feeling cocky." He rolls his eyes and so I chuckle.
"Why don't you go three for three and tell me I'm funny too?" I joke back.
"Cause I don't wanna lie."
"Smooth, smart ass." Nice save Matt, I think. I was beginning to think you might like me too.
"Now you called me smart and pretty."
"I called you smart ass."
"I'll take it."
"Your taking smart ass?"
"Yep."
"Alright."