MATT STURNIOLO In Denial

Chapter Five

I decide against spending the rest of the night alone. In the past few weeks I've avoided anyone who I thought would show any ounce of pitty for me. Especially my best friend, who knew me too well to think I survived the crash with just a couple bruises. She will wanna be there for me, as a friend should, try and be the millionth person this week to ask if I'm okay. So I've avoided her. Tonight though I miss her, and so I finally text her. I decide that I'll have her over and if she asks if I'm okay I'll just let her know I'm not ready to talk, hopefully she can just understand and we can just watch our favorite show. Anything we would do normally if I hadn't been through all this.

When she gets here I'm surprised by her excitement. She doesn't wear the same look the other people we've had over. She beams at me when I open the door, and I wonder if I should have called her sooner.
"Catch!" Britney throws me a pack of lottery tickets.
"Oh shit?" I say, barely catching them.
"Thought you needed some good luck." I laugh and rip the rubber band off the tickets.
"This is a bit excessive." I say.
"Probably." She says and we sit in the kitchen getting are keys to start and scratch. We sit for a few in silence before I finally ask.
"How the hell did you afford this many lottery tickets?"
"I bought one two weeks ago and won five hundred dollars."
"No fucking way?" I look at her and she smirks.
"And you just bought more?" She shrugs and goes to scratch another.
"I'm a firm believer that if genie were to offer you three wishes your first wish should always be to ask for more wishes."
"I think that's one of the like three rules of what you can't wish for." I argue. "Can't wish for more, can't with for love-" the last rule is you can't wish to bring anyone back from the dead so I pause.
"There's no rule about buying more lottery tickets."
"So it's just a gambling addiction?" I ask and this makes her laugh.
"I was gonna get my hair done or something but-" she interrupts herself. "Oh five dollars!" She waves the card in the air. The highest we've gotten is 50 so far, a lot of fives and two twenty's, the others were just duds.
"But what?" She sighs and reaches for another card.
"You almost died." She says suddenly.
"Oh."
"And your dad-"
"Right."
"And then getting my hair done felt silly."
"But buying fifty lottery tickets?"
"Just fed the addiction I guess." Which lightness the conversation back up.
I find another fifty and we celebrate shortly, before continuing our conversation.
"Are you ignoring me?" She asks, hesitantly. "I haven't heard from you in a while."
"I know I'm sorry. I just-"
"No I'm not mad." She says. "Just- worried I guess."
"I'm fine." She waits a while to respond, and I wonder if that means she'll leave it alone.
"I bet you've said that to everyone. And I bet that's not true." She says.
"I'm really fine Brittney, I just don't wanna talk about 'it'. But I'm doing okay."
"Is that why you don't wanna see that therapist." I look up and roll my eyes, my mothers got her, I think.
"Sorry. Your mother got to me."
"Of course she did." I whisper to myself.
"I don't wanna see him cause I don't need to."
"Okay," another long pause which makes my skin itch before, "but your mother said-"
"Of course she did, and honestly it's not really any of her business," now Im the one pausing, thinking about how I can explain it. "I'm getting through it. Just not in the way everyone expects me to." This time I feel a little bit of anger pull through the wall I've put up. "I'm just sick of people asking, or bugging me to talk." It's a little rude so I try and save it quickly. "I think- I think I'm just in shock. First stage of grief is denial right? I think I'm just really comfortable staying in denial- just for a bit longer."
She nods like she understands, then responds like she doesn't.
"It can't be healthy though. To keep that all in?" She questions.
"I've never been known as a huge health freak, I don't care what's in Taco Bell I just know it tastes good. I don't know how I feel but I'm not gonna try and google it." It's snarky, I feel it and hear it as I watch her expression change. Fuck, I don't want to be mean, it's just annoying. Everyone wants to talk, everyone wants to get into what happened like that's gonna fix it. I don't, I just want to be numb if, even for a bit longer. It hasn't been two weeks yet, God I just want a second to breath before I have to deal with it. I wanna feel normal for a second longer.
"Bailey, this isn't carbohydrates, your gotta have to confront it eventually-"
"Brittney!" I stand up so quick I surprise myself, the anger taking control of my body and I almost slam my hands on the table. I cross them quickly instead and shake my head. "I don't want to fucking talk about it!" Her big eyes stare at me with nothing but that pure pity everyone seems to wear around me. And in this one moment I hate her for it.
"I just know you-"
"You knew me before, I'm telling you now, right now that's not what I fucking need. Maybe if I wasn't the one driving- maybe If I don't- God but that made me- I just-" the anger boils and my words jumble in my head. I can't make a clear sentence and my heads not clear enough to try. "I'm sorry but-, if you and my mom and everyone would just fucking listen! If you did, you'd fucking leave it alone! That's what's getting me through it! That's what's helping me wake up in the morning! Leaving it. The. Fuck. Alone." She stares at me now just horrified. I'm saddened by relief that, I'd prefer that over the pity she showed before.
"Second stage is anger." She says quietly, the joke surprises me, snaps me out of it. I try and stop but it makes me smile.
"Brittney." I say tilting my head as a laugh starts to shake through me.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She says. Then she looks down. "I don't know what you need, I'm sorry I tried- I just don't know."
I soften my voice. "It's okay, I just- right now I need distraction, I need time to just settle into the idea. I know you care, and worry, and I promise I appreciate that, please know that. And when I'm ready I'm sure you'll be the first one I go to, just- right now I need space. I'm sorry I just don't wanna-"
"Hey, it's cool, I can distract." She says likes she's snapped into character. She sits up concentrating which makes me worry whatever she's gonna do isn't gonna be any better.
"What would you like to talk about?" She offers. I think for a bit, what's gonna get my mind off it? I guess the only thing that's been on my mind for the past two weeks, the biggest distraction of all.
"Matt." I say, finally sitting.
"Matt?"
"Matt, the one with brown hair, kinda like fluffy, he's got tattoos on one arm." I say, trying to describe him. Even though he's the only Matt we both know. She looks at me dumbfounded.
"Matt Sturniolo?"
"Yeah." She laughs at this.
"Like Sturniolo triplet Matt?"
"Why do you keep using his full name?"
"Cause you just said Matt like a weirdo and I didn't know who you were talking about."
"I don't call you Brittney Farley." She looks at me and rolls her eyes.
"You wanna talk about Matt?"
"Yeah."
"What about?"
"I think I like him." I say, which makes her laugh even more.
"I'm serious." She stops laughing but still smiles as she looks at me. Me and Brittney always talk about boys, so the conversation about Matt will feel easy. Unstaged, stress free. I appreciate that's she's met me half way.
"You say that like it's not common knowledge." She says finished with her tickets. "I think we won like 200 bucks." She says shuffling them.
"Common knowledge?" I exaggerate.
"Well I mean I knew you liked him. You talk about him constantly." She reaches for the bag of pretzels and eats it before continuing. "I love Chris." She says, sighing like she's acting on Disney. Really emphasizing the word love as she 'proclaims' it.
"I didn't know you were friends with Chris." I say which makes her laugh even harder.
"Oh shut up, I just watch them."
"You watch him?!" I say disgusted. "You stalker!" I laugh with her.
"Shut up! You have actual feeling for Matt Sturnilio, me watching them isn't nearly as creepy."
"What's creepy about actually liking Matt?"
"Well it's not like you know him, you've never had an actual full conversation with him, it's just a bit obsessive." She laughs more and it feels like it did before the crash, I love it.
"I've had a full conversation with Matt!" I argued. It's nice to be teasing each other about stupid shit like boys. It keeps my mind off of the fact that my dads not gonna see me graduate college, or wish me happy birthday in a couple weeks.
"Oh yeah, what do you and Matt talk about?" She says, still seemingly doubting it.
"I don't know everything I guess. You know how the triplets are. They talk about the most random shit. Honestly he's just really been there for me since everything happened. He's actually really sweet. If you want I can introduce you to Chris. Endless you prefer just starring at him." She laughs again.
"Oh no please, you don't have to." She teases again.
"I invited them to my fathers funeral." I say.
"You what?" She says, and stops chewing on her pretzel.
"Like all of them? You asked the sturnilio triplets to your father's funeral?"
"I'm sorry I didn't invite you, I just- I mean you know how they are. They don't take much seriously, it was nice to be with people who could joke around that day."
"Wait, you mean they actually came?" She looks at me dumbfounded again. She's must be jealous which makes me smile. She's never jealous of me, it's usually the other way around. "They came to your fathers funeral?" She asks again.
"Well, yeah I guess." Her jaw drops.
"How did you get them to come?" She asks.
"I don't know I just texted them?" I said. Now I'm looking at her like she's the one dumb.
"So when you said, you like Matt, you meant you like Matt, like for real. Like you have talked to Matt, and Nick and Chris, and they actually went to your fathers funeral?"
"What did you think I meant?" She's shaking her head confused.
"Show me you texts messages." She says. And holds out her hand.
"Nosey." I say. "Why?"
"Cause I don't believe you." I roll my eyes, and scroll till I get to me and Matt's text messages. I hand her my phone and watch her read. She looks horrified again, then confused, then she starts playing with her lip.
"These are your texts with Matt?" She asks and I nod. "Yeah."
"And you've been talking for while?"
"Yeah."
"For how long?"
"I don't know, a bit."
"Like a couple weeks?" God, Brittneys never been one to pass up on the details.
"Yeah I guess so."
"You saw them at your dad's funeral?"
"Yeah. They all came. Matt even gave me a rose." I say now just fully bragging. "Though they started bickering when they lowered the casket which was awful timing, and so now I don't think my mom likes them very much." Her eyebrow raises, and she hands my phone back.
"Your mom-" she stops herself trying to be careful with her words. "Your moms met Matt?" She still sounds like she doesn't believe me.
"Yeah."
"This is serious." She says huffing she looks so conflicted by this knowledge. Drama queen, so think. The one time I actually get to hangout with someone cool and she just can't fathom it. God forbid I have other friends than her, it makes me laugh again at her reaction.
"No I mean, it wasn't like a 'meet the mother' kind of thing. They just came to the funeral."
She rocks back into her chair. She watches me. She checks her phone.
"Oh shit." She says,
"What's wrong?"
"My mom, she's called me like three times."
"Oh do you need to call her back?"
"No, sorry." She stands and grabs her wallet. "I spaced I was supposed to pick up my little sister from volleyball." She starts texting her mom, "Shit! I'm sorry I gotta go." She grabs her keys and I follow her to the door.
"Thank you." I say as I open the front door for her.
"For what?" She keeps checking her phone.
"For being there, even if it wasn't how you thought." She nods, checking her phone again. Then she hugs me tighter then she ever has. She holds me for a bit.
"Your gonna be okay Bailey, you hear me."
"Yeah?"
"Okay, your gonna be fine."
"I know."
"If you see Matt again, you let me know. I want to know everything." She winks weakly at me fighting tears.
"I'm serious." She says looking at me like my mother does when I've done something bad.
"Tell me."
"Okay." I laugh it off. "Okay, I'll text you later." She lets go and watches me before heading out the door.