MATT STURNIOLO In Denial

Chapter Eight Epilogue

Ten years later.

At this funeral I cry. My body aches and my stomach threatens to spew the little amount left in it. The plaster comes up to give me a rose  but this time I know what to do with it. This time I walk up to the grave, I look down and I throw my rose on my dead husbands casket. I lean down to my daughter, who's only four, who doesn't understand.
"Maddie? You wanna throw your rose in?" I ask. She looks up with the biggest blue eyes, she got from her father. She shakes her head no.
"No." She says. I rub her back and lean my head on hers still starring at the grave.
"Can I keep it mommy." She says and I look back at her. It makes me tear up remembering how I kept mine.
"You can." I say.
This time I shake people's hands, I let people hug me and say sorry. I don't run off. My sister comes up and tells me she's going back to start getting ready. I'm hosting a small reception at my house, and to be honest I'm dreading it a little.
"What do you think Maddie." I say picking her up.
"You wanna drive with aunt Halley?" I ask. I hand her over to my sister. "Do you mind?" And she shakes her head no, tickling her and making her laugh as they walk to her car. I turn around once more to look at the grave. I remember when my father died my mother stayed and talked to the grave, I thought she was crazy talking to dirt, delusional even. While at the same time I was- well I get it now.
"I'm gonna miss you." I say. I don't hide from these feelings, I want it to hurt. I want to feel it, I need it to sink in. Eventually I make it back to my car, I sigh leaning my head back on the seat, and then let my self sob again shaking the car. When I finally compose myself I start driving home. It's been awhile since I've got anxiety driving but now I'm on high alert. I can feel a headache coming on and feel sick again for the hundredth time today. When I get home I tell my sister I need some time alone before the guest come over and head to my room. I sit in the bed we used to both sleep in and cry again. My headache which annoys me persist and gets worse. I head to the bathroom and open the mirror cabinet, looking for some Advil. I see the same pain meds I took after my accident. When Jeramy got sick he was in a lot of pain, they prescribed him the same ones. He died before he took them all, so now there here. Staring at me as my headache pounds on. I let myself grab two and fill my mouth with water from the sink and I swallow them. I go to the window and look out at the people arriving, as I wait for Matt.
"You look beautiful." He says, and I turn around quickly.
"Oh my god." I whisper taking the sight of him in. "I thought I was never gonna see you again." I say, as I shamelessly cry once again.
"You look old."
"Oh please." I say chuckling tasting the salt from my cheeks as I do.
"You haven't aged a day."
"You need someone to talk to?"
"Yeah," I stare at him embarrassed. Seeing him makes my heart ache more.
"I really missed you." I say. Wiping at my face again.
"I missed you too." He takes a step toward me. "You know I watch over you, I've seen you grow up, get married, have a beautiful kid. Your brave. It's been an honor." He says.
"Yeah." I sit on the bed, the tears rushing and filling my dress with a wet stain. But now I don't think I need to talk.
"Man I wish you could just hold me." I say, and as I do I notice little Maddie as peaked though the door and is watching me.
"Mommy," She says, coming in and reaching up so she can sit on my lap. My focus snaps back to reality remembering I am still a mother, I pick her up, smiling back at her.
"Yes, sweetheart." I tuck a loose curl behind her ear.
"Who are you talking to?" She asks, I look back at him and he smiles at her in my arms.
"I'm talking to grandpa." I say, and she looks right back at him. My father reaches out his arms and she quickly scrambles off me. She runs up to him and he picks her up. My father, who I thought was a hallucination from the pills like Matt was ten years ago, holds my daughter in his arms.
"Dad?!" I say a joyful fear in my voice. I run up and hug him too feeling him under my arms. Eventually he lets go and puts Maddie down.
"It's time to see our guest Maddie, let's go." I say grabbing her tiny hand.She looks back at my father.
"Is grandpa coming down?"
"No sweetie." I say now fully understanding. "He was just visiting." I get to the door and look back.
"He's an angel." I explain, and she smiles big, the way kids do when you tell them Santa's coming.
"An angel?" I nod, and my father smiles.
"I have to go now." He says, a tear now falling from his cheek, "But," he says magic in his tone, "I'll be here, if you ever need someone to talk to." And with that our angel disappears.