Hazel And I

Day 6

We sadly walked of that classroom without fixing anything.

I did not know what to say or do because I was scared.

I trusted Hazel and I still do , I would trust her with my own life forever but I could not possibly say the same about Lilith who was only a stranger in my eyes.

It was raining again.

A month before exams , we stopped talking again.

My cats were sick and most of their newborn kittens died and I was very sad.

My father had cancer and I did not know how to feel about it.

We never got along and he was violent and harmful but I wished for him to live.

I just had to run away from everything again.

I wish I was brave enough to face those things but I was not.

I would sleep all day , sometimes I would study for exams or try to enjoy watching something.

But I would think of her through my day at least a couple of times and wonder if she was thinking about me as well.

You might say 'You could have just texted her' and if it was so easy I would , I swear I would but I could not do it.

Only if I knew that I was losing her I would have probably done it.

It was finally exam's period.

I arrived first and took a seat as the other classmates started arriving one by one.

Hazel walked in followed by Lilith , they both walked right past me , I do not care about that girl but Hazel ignored me.

I could not focus all day long.

The same thing happened the day after and the day after that as well.

They would walk in and out together and I just had to watch all of the things I feared becoming true.

I was riding the taxi when I saw her walking the path we used to share alone.

I can not remember what happened but I just asked the driver to drop me there , I was shaking.

I do not think she know but I actually started recording , My phone was in my pocket as I leaned against that wall waiting for her to come closer.

She was about to walk past me once more but I stopped her , I called out her name and Hazel heard me and gave me a chance.

It was probably out of pity since I must have looked so desperate but I did not mind at all , as long as I can hug her again then it was alright.

I still have that recording and it sucks very much.

*I JUST FOUND OUT THAT I ACTUALLY DELETED IT BUT I REMEMBER SAYING 'I thought you will not hug me back' WHILE CRYING*

We talked about the past month and it was mostly me explaining to her why she should not give up on me yet.

I did not tell her that I love her that day but I wish she saw it in everything else I did and said.

The silence was awkward , it made me regret it all because I knew that I did hurt her and the fact that she was ready to talk to me again was going to tear me apart.

We talked all the way home , I remember when I saw her off at the bus station I texted her something like 'I will definitely make it up to you' I guess I did not after all.

We started talking again.

Lilith was surprised , I guess she saw that Hazel was not talking to me and decided to do the same.

She walked towards us and I decided that no one would ever make us get into such a huge fight ever again.

Not even her.

I tried to get along with her , I did not talk to Hazel about her even though I was still annoyed by her actions and words.

I said I would bear with it.

That semester came to an end , my birthday was coming soon while I was hating my life more and more.

I remember how Hazel showed up at my door along with her mother and sister holding a cake , drinks and a gift as well.

I wanted to hug her longer but I would have cried immediately.

We all celebrated it together and I only took a small bite of that cake.

Sorry that I can not remember what it tasted like because I was just too happy and finally after holding back those tears just had to start falling.

I felt that we were a family , I have always wished since the day we met for Hazel to be my real sister.

My little sister used to get jealous whenever I mentioned Hazel saying that all I talk about was her and even now I still do.

That moment is very dear to my heart.

Hazel's mother whispered few words into my ear 'Don't let it happen again'.

She meant our recent fight , she must have realized that I was a toxic friend but she also decided to give me a chance.

So this time I broke the promise I made to the both of them and I am sorry.

That was and will forever be my favorite birthday of all times , how not while you were right there next to me.

The black sweater she got me was very much her style.

I do not remember if she ever saw me wearing it but this past winter I wore it whenever I went out.

I wished I would run into Hazel and that she might feel a little sorry for me as well but that did not happen.

That sweater is my favorite.

After the birthday party we were closer than ever and I liked it very much.

Hazel and I were trying our best to get over everything together , at that time it felt like it was us against the world and I had a feeling that we could make it.

That time I was determined that I would never hurt Hazel again.

While my father was in the hospital after his successful surgery she came to my house for a sleepover.

It was just me , my little sister and Hazel.

I left them watching a horror movie while I went to make dinner.

When I came back my little sister was sleeping already so we had dinner by ourselves.

She barely ate a thing and I could not eat as well.

The sadness in her eyes made me doubt everything.

When we talked about her worries I was glad that I was not the one who caused them but I did not like the painful expression she showed.

I prayed for her , tried to make her forget , said funny shit and all.

At the end of the night I fell asleep by her side after we talked for a while , I do not usually fall asleep so fast but when she was there It felt so peaceful.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night.

I could not go back to sleep no matter how hard I tried and so I quietly moved to the other room.

I watched some YouTube videos and tried to listen to some Lo-fi music but nothing worked.

But few hours later Hazel showed up and asked me what I was doing.

I said I was not able to fall asleep and I remember how she hugged me , we sat next to each other on that bed and talked for a couple of hours.

It seemed like I fell asleep again.

I have always wanted to tell her this 'I am sorry that I fell asleep that night'

I just feel like she wanted to tell me a lot but my body just gave up once again and she woke up wearing the same expression.

Maybe I can never make her as happy as she deserves to be...