Hazel And I

Extra Day

I would lie if I'd say that I missed you everyday.

At some point I could no longer remember what your voice sounded like or how your eyes looked like.

I do not know why I suddenly texted you right after writing the first chapter of this {Hazel and I} maybe because I knew that you would not text me back but you did.   

And I had this feeling that a lot must have gone wrong with you for the past year while we were apart.

Those texts scared me for a while , not because of how short they were but because I could not handle how much you changed.

I think whoever said 'You will never find the same person twice , not even in the same person' was very right.

I did not text you because I wanted to find you again.

I just wished you would find yourself at some point but death took away from you another beloved soul.

And I know how you tend to burry yourself with them as if you have no reason to live anymore.

I wonder if things would have been a little better if I was there but I guess not.

I wish you could see yourself the way I do at least once , so that you never feel sad or down about how everything about you is beautiful.

I felt like crying when we talked and I wished I could give you a hug but hugs no longer do a single thing to you , do they ?

I guess if you are reading this it is probably your birthday.

Happy birthday my dear I hope you're out there smiling happily about it.

One of the goals I set for this year is to let you go.

It is not because I love you less than I used to.

I just can not feel the same way I used to do.

You would not believe how much I have changed in one year.

I am glad that you realized you should not find you in someone else.

No one is worth crying on.

Those who left are no longer a thing.

Those who passed will always stay in our hearts until we meet them again in heaven.

I wish you ace your exams this year because you deserve to.

I wish you find things you love again , and figure what you really want.

Dear Hazel , you are not alone.

Whether you like it or not this is the truth.

Some people are waiting for you to reach out for help if they haven't already reached for you themselves.

Those ones , like family members , they might not be perfect , maybe they did not love you the way you wanted or deserved to but they do love you.

I am not saying that they can be toxic to you.

I am just saying that I hate the idea of you losing yourself all over again.

I guess you never got it back to start with, did you ?

No matter how happy we looked back then , I doubt it all now.

Where you ever happy with me ?

I wonder.

Dear Hazel , do not give yourself up , this is the biggest mistake you might ever do.

And trust me when I say it because I know very well how dead a person would feel after it.

Survive every single day and be proud of who you are.

Yes you break down sometimes but you always end up getting up to do more.

Take it easy , step by step if not this year then next year and if not next year then the year after.

Never stop doing new things in hopes to fall in love with one of them just like I did while trying to find me.

I am falling in love with the journey.

I am writing this while feeling a sense of peace I have never felt before.

Even though today was a tiring day I feel good.

I pray you live a life that you will not regret.

If we ever meet I wonder how would your eyes look like ?

Will you slightly smile or just walk past me ? I will keep wondering forever I guess.

I feel like that one song that says 'There's things I wanna say to you but I'll just let you live'

This time I will let you live.

It feels hard to say this but I am setting you free Hazel so please go on and fly again , I will be watching you.

Hazel and I , We end here.