Carl grimes imagines/oneshots

Promise? Promise. (Fluff/angst)

Song: Devil On My Back - Chrissy

TW: this story contains conversations of depression and suicidal ideation if you need to skip this one that's absolutely fine. Take care of yourself and I'll see you in the next one.

It's been going really well in Alexandria, it was almost like the world never ended. Everything was perfect, almost.

Carl's been off lately. As much as he tried to hide it, you could tell something was up. He's been your best friend for your entire life basically.

Anyways, it was dark out and raining and you hadn't heard from Carl all week. It really sucked, you usually spent every second together. At first you thought he just needed space and you gave that to him but now it seems like he's spiraling. You knew what that felt like, falling into an endless void and not knowing how to ask for help. It was painful and you would never wish that on anyone. So tonight you planned to go over to his house and talk to him.

Rick was going on a run with Michonne and wasn't home tonight. You walked into the house and straight up to his room. You hesitate first. Do you knock or just walk in? You never questioned this before. You never knocked before.

You ultimately decided to knock. It was the respectful thing to do. You knock softly. "Carl? It's me. Can I come in?"

Silence. You wait a few seconds. "Carl?"

"Yeah, yeah. Come in." He responds, his voice devoid of any energy.

You open the door gently to see Carl lying on his back on his bed, staring at the ceiling.

You close the door behind you. "So what's up?"

"Nothing."

"Don't lie to me. Something's wrong."

He lifts his head to look at you and furrows his eyebrows in a look of fake confusion. "What are  you even talking about?" His tone was defensive and it hurt but you knew he didn't mean it.

You kept calm, the last thing he needed was a fight. "You know what I'm talking about. You haven't left the house in a week. That's not like you."

"I'm just tired."

"I don't doubt that but I don't think that's what's happening." You sit on the the edge of the bed. "I can tell you're upset. Talk to me."

"It's nothing, I'll be fine."

"It's not nothing and even if it was, fine isn't good enough."

"Still, I don't wanna burden you with my problems, you have enough on your hands."

He wasn't lying. You did have a lot to worry about. But right now, your top priority was him. "I always have room for you." You grab his hand. "Now tell me what's going on."

He turns on his side to face you. "Fine. I haven't been feeling myself lately. I don't like the safety of Alexandria. It's unfamiliar and I feel like I'm constantly on edge and I can't relax unless I'm with you. And whenever I start to feel good I get guilty because I feel like I shouldn't be happy when so many other people are still suffering and when so many of our friends didn't get to see this. And you have always been there for me no matter what and I really don't deserve that but you still stick by me even after what I've done and I don't know why. I just wish things could go back to normal but whenever they're even close to normal it's so uncomfortable. Things are good right now. Things are so good. And I can't even enjoy it because I feel like I'm just waiting for the bad to come back. I'm just under so much stress that I feel like giving up."

You listened intently, hanging on every word. By the end of it, tears were streaming down his face. And you felt tears prick in your eyes as well. "Why didn't you tell me this earlier?"

"I didn't wanna burden you. You have so much to deal with already. I don't wanna be just another weight you have to carry."

"Do you really wanna die?"

He sits up. "No! No I don't! I just wanna stop feeling like this." His voice trailing off toward the end of his sentence.

You feel a tear fall down your cheek. You had felt the exact thing he was feeling and you wouldn't wish anyone to go through that. Ever. And yet here you are, watching the person you love most in this world falling further into depression.

You take his hand in both of yours and kiss his knuckles. "Carl, I know exactly how you feel but I need you to understand that you don't deserve any of this. You're the most amazing person ever. You could never be a burden. And I hate that you feel like this, and I hate even more that you felt like you had to hide away and drown in it alone. I love you so much and nothing you can say or do will ever change that. I'm here for you, no matter what." You let go of his hand and wrap your arms around him, pulling him close. You rub his back as he sobs into your chest.

"Hey can you look at me for a sec?" You softly ask.

He does so and you can see the pain in his face. "Hey, this will go away. I promise."

"How long will it take?" He asks in a weepy voice.

You shrug. "I'm not sure. It's different for everyone. But I'll be here with you, every step of the way."

In that moment his emotions must've changed because instead of responding he kissed you. It shocked you at first but you quickly returned the energy, placing your hand on his cheek and kissing back.

He pulls away. "Was that real?"

You tuck a piece of hair behind your ear. "I hope so."

"You have no clue how long I've been wanting to do that."

"I think I can figure it out." An innocent smile plasters your across face and a pink coloration spreads across your cheeks.

"I'm glad you came tonight." He says while blushing.

"Me too." You pause, hesitating to ask the question that's been festering in your mind ever since he leaned in. "What does this mean?"

"I was scared you'd ask that. I mean I would love to be with you, but that's not really my choice."

"Carl, being with you sounds like heaven."

"Wait really?"

"Yes, really."

He smiles and wraps his arm around you, pulling you close. "God I love you so much."

"I love you too. Let's go to sleep, I'm exhausted and I can tell you are too." You give him a quick peck on the lips.

He nods. "Yeah I am." He lies back down on his back and you quickly follow suit. Lying on your stomach with your head resting on his chest, just feeling his heartbeat.

You lie like that for a little while. "How are you feeling?" You ask.

He places his hand on the back of your head and lightly scratches your scalp. "I feel really good. For the first time in a long time I don't feel like shit."

You look up at him. "That feels great to hear."

"You're gonna be here in the morning right?"

"I'll be here always."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

A/N: so lately my mental health has been kinda kicking my ass and it doesn't help that I keep listening to all too well and Paris, Texas on repeat but it's fine. I hope you enjoyed this one. Here's your reminder that if you struggle with anything mentioned please know that help is available and you're worth asking for help. If you are ever in a situation where you feel unsafe with yourself here are some resources if you live in the US.

741-741 (crisis chat text line)
(866)488-7386 (Trevor project chat line call or text)
988 (Suicide prevention hotline)
911 (Emergency services hotline)

Please take care and be safe. I love you, thank you for your support, and know that you are worth living for.

Take care, Moth.

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